Alvin and the Chipmunks in Chipwrecked (2011)

By Oberst Von Berauscht (Six Pack) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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In his mind Dave (Jason Lee) is a normal, everyday working father taking care of his six talented children.  Is it his fault that his six children are actually rodents with a penchant for the top 40 charts?

Alvin and the Chipmunks in Chipwrecked (2011)
Alvin and the Chipmunks in Chipwrecked (2011) DVD / Blu-ray
Yes… yes it is

So when Dave decides to take the kids on a cruise, it is only natural that the hijinks which ensue find them on a deserted island, struggling for survival.  Children’s cartoon or psychological thriller?  You decide…

A Toast

Drink a toast to this movie francise, for providing David Cross with a steady paycheck.

At one point, he was actually funny.

Beer Two

I’ll start by saying that I’ve never been a “Chipmunks” fan.  The voices are annoying, and the music even more so.  The whole thing feels like a crass cross-marketing effort by film/music producers.  There is no need to actually take the time to create new songs when you can apply 5 minutes of effort in pro-tools and call it “Children’s Music”.

Beer Three

And while we’re at it, jokes are things which require thought as well.  So instead of those we’ll just reference some internet memes that stopped being funny a year ago.  With references such as “Double Rainbow”, “Winning”, and “Honey Badger Doesn’t Give a Fuck” it was merciful that they didn’t see fit to include a Rickroll.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euKIk9cwNFQ

Ffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…

Beer Four

I’m very curious what kind of drug habit Jason Lee has developed that he has seen fit to keep making these films.  Every time he screams “ALLLLLVINNNNNNN!” it appears more and more like a cry for help.   What the fuck dude?… you were Brodie… Brodie…

Jason Lee’s Credibility 1995-2011, RIP

Beer Five

To the barrage of puns which range in annoyance everywhere from the eye rolling frustration of the title to a line about Chipmunk tails being “Shaken, not stirred”.  These screenwriters deserve to be punched in the dick.

Beer Six

This is a very special beer that goes out to everyone using the “It’s just a kid’s movie” excuse.  Children’s movies can be well-directed, written, and performed (See Hugo).  The conscious decision to allow your children to see this film should be grounds for the department of Children and Family services to take them somewhere safe.  You are not only a danger to your children, you are a danger to yourself.

Verdict

First Hop, then The Smurfs, now this movie completes the year’s trifecta of shitty-ass live action/animated children’s films.  And how fitting can it be to end on the single worst one?

 

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every pun

Take a Drink: whenever they reference an internet meme

Down a Shot: every time someone says AAAAAALVIIIIIIIIN!

Take a drink: when they break out into song for no reason

About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they’re confused about something) at least a few times a week. I’ve gotten way off track here… The point is, Oberst is one of the website’s founders, so… yeah

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