Abduction (2011)

Abduction (2011)
Abduction (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Oberst von Berauscht (Five Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Taylor Lautner stars in Taylor Lautner, as Taylor Lautner; the Taylor Lautner of Taylor Lautner.  One day, while browsing the Taylor Lautner, he finds out that he is actually Taylor Lautner, instead of Taylor Lautner. (The Taylor Lautner he always believed Taylor Lautner to be)  Then a bunch of bad guys bust in and Taylor Lautner has to Taylor Lautner his way out of town.  Taylor Lautner is in a bind… he doesn’t know who to trust other than Taylor Lautner.  Unwittingly, Taylor Lautner sets forth a series of events that only Taylor Lautner will be able to solve.

Taylor Lautner

A Toast

If you haven’t guessed already, the movie Abduction is a film all about actor-model and sometime Emo-Girl moistener Taylor Lautner.  And in that aspect, the film is handled quite masterfully.  Certainly, the more apprehensive and narcissistic critic might accuse the filmmakers of taking a fairly straightforward action-suspense thriller and promoting it with the flavor of the month cover model guaranteed to draw in the female quotient, but rest assured it is true.

Beer Two

For the record, there are some elements to Abduction that are respectable.  The Pittsburg setting is utilized well, particularly the final sequence within PNC Park, which actually creates some semblance of dramatic tension.  And the decision to maintain ambiguity as to the identity of Lautner’s true father keeps up a palatable sense of mystery from which the movie benefits greatly.  This is unfortunate though, because it throws the film’s unpolished feel into sharp relief.  It would probably have been better if director John Singleton just gave up early on.  Indeed, there is sometimes more honor to be had in a total failure than a missed opportunity.

Beer Three

Expository dialog meets obvious foreshadowing, and makes sweet-sweet love in a dark and sinful way to plot convenience.  This is a film where computer hackers can tap into every telephone and security camera in the world with a couple keystrokes, where a boy gets assigned a partner for his class project that just happens to be the girl he has been pining for, where his best friend just happens to be the best fake-ID forger in the state.

 

Not even the actors seem to believe this shit.  Who can blame them?

Beer Four

Taylor Lautner is an actor capable of exhibiting a wide variety of emotions, ranging anywhere from “slightly squinty” to “very squinty”.  And as Steven Seagal can attest, that attribute can be quite useful in maintaining a long and fruitful career in direct-to-video releases.

Gaze upon your future

Beer Five

The main character is introduced as a douchey jock with anger management issues, who likes nothing more than to hang out with his douchey friends and pick fights with other douchey jocks.  A lot of the audience in the film seemed to take these sequences as “comedy” whereas I interpreted it as feeling way too much like hanging out with the assholes I hated to be around in High School…

Verdict

I’m just holding out for the sequel

Coming soon, to a theater near you…

 

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a drink: every time Taylor Lautner takes off his shirt

Take a drink: any time a line said earlier in the movie is repeated in flashback

Pour One Out: in memoriam of the once-great Sigourney Weaver (and take a shot for every cringe-worthy line she delivers)

About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they're confused about something) at least a few times a week. I've gotten way off track here... The point is, Oberst is one of the website's founders, so... yeah

One comment

  1. Beer 4… Awesome. Just saw this movie, it was painfully cheesey. Quite surprised I made it to the end.

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