By: Oberst von Berauscht (Five Beers) –
Taylor Lautner stars in Taylor Lautner, as Taylor Lautner; the Taylor Lautner of Taylor Lautner. One day, while browsing the Taylor Lautner, he finds out that he is actually Taylor Lautner, instead of Taylor Lautner. (The Taylor Lautner he always believed Taylor Lautner to be) Then a bunch of bad guys bust in and Taylor Lautner has to Taylor Lautner his way out of town. Taylor Lautner is in a bind… he doesn’t know who to trust other than Taylor Lautner. Unwittingly, Taylor Lautner sets forth a series of events that only Taylor Lautner will be able to solve.
If you haven’t guessed already, the movie Abduction is a film all about actor-model and sometime Emo-Girl moistener Taylor Lautner. And in that aspect, the film is handled quite masterfully. Certainly, the more apprehensive and narcissistic critic might accuse the filmmakers of taking a fairly straightforward action-suspense thriller and promoting it with the flavor of the month cover model guaranteed to draw in the female quotient, but rest assured it is true.
For the record, there are some elements to Abduction that are respectable. The Pittsburg setting is utilized well, particularly the final sequence within PNC Park, which actually creates some semblance of dramatic tension. And the decision to maintain ambiguity as to the identity of Lautner’s true father keeps up a palatable sense of mystery from which the movie benefits greatly. This is unfortunate though, because it throws the film’s unpolished feel into sharp relief. It would probably have been better if director John Singleton just gave up early on. Indeed, there is sometimes more honor to be had in a total failure than a missed opportunity.
Expository dialog meets obvious foreshadowing, and makes sweet-sweet love in a dark and sinful way to plot convenience. This is a film where computer hackers can tap into every telephone and security camera in the world with a couple keystrokes, where a boy gets assigned a partner for his class project that just happens to be the girl he has been pining for, where his best friend just happens to be the best fake-ID forger in the state.
Not even the actors seem to believe this shit. Who can blame them?
Taylor Lautner is an actor capable of exhibiting a wide variety of emotions, ranging anywhere from “slightly squinty” to “very squinty”. And as Steven Seagal can attest, that attribute can be quite useful in maintaining a long and fruitful career in direct-to-video releases.
Gaze upon your future
The main character is introduced as a douchey jock with anger management issues, who likes nothing more than to hang out with his douchey friends and pick fights with other douchey jocks. A lot of the audience in the film seemed to take these sequences as “comedy” whereas I interpreted it as feeling way too much like hanging out with the assholes I hated to be around in High School…
I’m just holding out for the sequel
Coming soon, to a theater near you…
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a drink: every time Taylor Lautner takes off his shirt
Take a drink: any time a line said earlier in the movie is repeated in flashback
Pour One Out: in memoriam of the once-great Sigourney Weaver (and take a shot for every cringe-worthy line she delivers)