5 Reasons Your Favorite Movie Sucks

By: Oberst Von Berauscht –

You’ve likely never seen a good movie in your lifetime.  It isn’t your fault, because in order to know what is good, you need to do some research, and looking up things is hard.  I’m sure that you’ve got big plans this week to see the latest summer blockbuster, because your friends told you it was going to be awesome (And they can’t be wrong, the commercial on TV said so).  The fact is your favorite movie sucks, because…

(5.) You have low standards.

As a society raised on commercial-based television, we’ve been indoctrinated to buy things we recognize.  There is a trigger inside your head that makes you do it; regardless of a product’s quality you keep going back.  McDonalds doesn’t stay in business by providing great food on a consistent basis.  They have figured out the lowest rung of the quality ladder they can stand on to maximize profit without the pain and effort of turning out a decent product.

This movie made well over a Billion Dollars worldwide.

You might be saying “Transformers was fun, and Chicken Nuggets are awesome”, well, that is because…

(4.) Your opinion is wrong.

Opinions are unique to every individual, and based on a lifetime of experiences and education.  For instance, if you grew up in a poor neighborhood, you might be more inclined to enjoy a film set in a similar location. That is, unless your childhood memories were traumatic, in that case you might actually prefer the opposite.

If you haven’t yet tasted the bitterness of defeat, inspirational movies feel good, because they give you a false feeling of impending success.  And you don’t even have to try particularly hard to become great.

This guy just ran a lot

And this guy just took some therapy

“Well then” now you’re asking, “If your opinion is so superior, what movies do you consider to be great?” To which I have a simple answer.

(3.) My opinion is right, especially if you disagree.

You might tell me that Avatar is the best movie ever made, or perhaps you loved Braveheart? By simply stating this you have lost all right to judge the validity of my opinion.  The burden of proof lies in you, and before I will freely list my favorite films, I need to know that you agree with me. We in the circle of genius call this “moral high ground”.

In the rising tide of mediocrity, it is important to build a levee.

“And who or what says that I should care about what you have to say?” now you’re asking.  Well, that question does deserve an answer:

(2.) Evolution isn’t any less real when you don’t believe in it.

Enough Said, but just in case you still don’t get the point of this article…

(1.) I actually don’t believe any of this.

There is really no way of being 100% objective about movies, one man’s favorite movie is another’s guilty pleasure is another man’s worst film experience.  And sometimes we don’t realize how insulting we sound when we criticize someone’s opinion about a movie.  It is very easy to fall into the self-righteous trap of thinking you are best qualified to judge, well… except for Transformers.

Fuck those movies 

Leave a comment and tell us what you think.

Also, check out these other fancy articles:

Uhh-Merka at the Movies (Independence Day Special)

5 Reasons The Avengers will Kick Batman’s ass (At the Box Office)

Ten Board Game Adaptations Better than Battleship

About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they're confused about something) at least a few times a week. I've gotten way off track here... The point is, Oberst is one of the website's founders, so... yeah

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