The Other Woman (2014)

other woman posterBy: Jenna Zine (Six Pack) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Carly’s world is rocked when she discovers her loving boyfriend, Mark, is actually a cheating douchebag that has a wife stashed in the wealthy suburbs of Connecticut. But the surprises don’t end there: Carly teams up with Mark’s wife, Kate, when the two discover that Mark’s bedpost has more notches than either of them could’ve imagined. In the process, an unlikely friendship is forged.

A Toast

Holy goddamn fucking shit, this movie is a stinker. And shockingly so. I don’t know how director Nick Cassavetes managed to take a talented cast, along with a promising premise, and turn it into this massive pile of garbage, but somehow he did. When the best thing about your film is a bit part by Nicki Minaj (as Lydia, Carly’s lazy assistant), you are in big trouble. This revenge caper, best girlfriends, rom-com mash-up should’ve been a slam-dunk. Instead it’s a joyless slog that feels much, much longer than its actual running time.

What happened? Let’s break it down.

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I’m worried that I might be in a really bad film…

Beer Two

I’m mourning the loss of my lovely Leslie Mann. She did a star turn with her brief role in 40 Year Old Virgin as a hilarious drunk. She sparkled in Knocked Up. Her appeal started to wane in This Is 40. And now? Her screechy rants are like nails on a chalkboard. And in The Other Woman, there are plenty of screechy rants. There’re also massive amounts sobbing, railing, and shoving whip cream down her pie-hole while mascara streaks her cheeks like Alice Cooper on a bender. This is her shtick, and her shtick is really fucking tired. She sucks the funny right out of this movie – if there was any to begin with.

I get it – your husband is cheating on you and you are devastated. But must you strip yourself of your dignity? As if that’s not offensive enough, Leslie’s character Kate is just plain dumb. She talks about needing to go to “brain camp” to smarten herself up. She says this as she flits around and her husband looked how I felt – like he wanted to stab himself in the thigh. If I were saddled with someone so annoying, I’d be banging every chick within a twenty-mile radius too, just to numb the pain and boredom.

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Yes, exactly like I said: mascara + weeping + whip cream = I’m sick of Leslie Mann.

Beer Three

It’s a tiny bit better with Cameron Diaz as Carly Whitten. I pray that you don’t have to sit through this, but if such is your fate, focus on Cameron. Sure, she also plays the same character she usually does – the perfect woman, who’s still bubbly and kind, that everyone wants to be friends with. She perfected it in Something About Mary and not much has changed, but it works for her. She’s committed to the role and gives it her all, but not even Cameron can save this. Don Johnson also pops up as Carly’s naughty dad and he does a fine job – but he’s not in it enough to turn the tide.

Beer Four

Were you hoping for a couple of sight gags involving shit during your revenge rom-com? No? Oh, well; too bad – because you’ll be treated to two. (The number two!) One involves a massive Great Dane, and the sizable poo that goes along with such a beast, and another involves Mark’s comeuppance in the stall of a restaurant’s restroom. I’m mean… really? I can’t believe a woman (Melissa Stack) wrote this script.

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Wanna get out of here and go star in a better movie? 

Beer Five

How about a flaccid love interest to round out the fun? Nope – I’m not talking about Mark. He’s the villain, and he tears it up (until the end, when he goes from suave to cartoonish). Rather it’s Kate’s brother, Phil (Taylor Kinney), who’s supposed to be the good guy (and eventual perfect fit for Cameron’s Carly), but he’s so bland that you couldn’t get a spark off of him even if he was doused in gasoline. And don’t even get me started on Kate Upton (as Amber, Mark’s additional mistress) – either she’s an acting savant, or she’s playing herself… But if the casting director was looking for someone vapid, who had nothing to contribute beyond jiggling breasts, he or she found the perfect fit.

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Sometimes blondes aren’t more fun.

Beer Six

Is this where feminism goes to die? This is supposed to be a plot where the women triumph – instead all they do is obsess over a jerk who “gets more ass than a toilet seat.” Is this what we’ve been fighting for?

Again, what should’ve been a lighthearted romp feels like a punishment. Honestly, if I hadn’t been on the hook to review this film for MovieBoozer, I would’ve walked out. That’s how little I cared about the characters or what might happen to them. I went in with high hopes, but I don’t think I laughed or smiled once. The characters weren’t allowed a shred of respect and it ultimately washes over the audience when one realizes that they paid to sit through this mess.

Verdict 

Six Pack

I implore you not to waste your time or money. You’ve been warned.

 

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time Kate has a meltdown.

Take a Drink: every time you think, “What woman would really act like that?”

Take a Drink: every time Mark does something shady.

Take a Drink: every time Kate drags her poor dog around Manhattan.

Do a Shot: for Nicki Minaj – at least she’s kinda funny.

Do a Shot: for the gorgeous locations. I had to look for something interesting!

 

Last Call

Not that you won’t be compelled to run screaming from the theater, but no – no last secret scenes. Escape is yours!

About Jenna Zine

Jenna Zine is a writer, unashamed Bachelor franchise live-tweeter (with Felix Felicis at @2Girls1Recap), lapsed drummer, and occasional standup comic. She's probably somewhere right now complaining about her bangs. Find more at www.jennazine.com

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