By: Hank Bagwell (Six Pack) –
I saw this film at Redbox and my girlfriend thought it sounded good. When I saw the late James Gandolfini in it, I really wanted to see it. An incredible actor who was taken from us too soon. He, as always, was terrific.
The film is about two girls who are hired assassins. The beginning pays a bit of respect to Pulp Fiction, where Travolta and Jackson are talking about a foot rub and Burger King in Europe, as they are on their way to a job, only these girls are dressed as nuns. Gandolfini plays a man who is struggling to reconnect with his daughter and when these girls take the job to kill him (for a dress, mind you), they find themselves in a situation they have never been in. They fall asleep on his couch and when they wake up, he is napping in a chair in front of them and things aren’t as easy as just putting a bullet in him. They get to know Gandolfini and discover that they have a common enemy. “Chaos ensues…” blah blah blah, and the rest is history. I really wanted to like this film.
Uhhhhh…. Ummm…. James Gondolfini??
The cast is incredible but it feels like they struggle the entire movie. I tried to figure out why, but I was being annoyed by the script. I found myself actually thinking “Did a twelve year old girl write this thing?!” It is terrible. I mean, I couldn’t believe how terrible it was and even as I say “terrible” for the third time, I feel as if it isn’t sufficient. If one could imagine getting a root canal and a prostate exam at the same time, it couldn’t be more painful. In good humor, I look to see who wrote this steaming pile of crap, only to discover that the same guy who had written AND WON AN ACADEMY AWARD for Precious, has also, not only written, but directed this, not so precious, pile of shit. I couldn’t get over the dialogue.
Bad directing. Or at least I thought so, and since I’m the guy writing this review, my opinion counts as final. With a cast like this, the actors appear numb and there are some REAAAAALLY good actors. They must have been roofied, dragged to the set, woken up, and handed the shittiest script their agent could find for them. It very much comes across as a really crappy student film. You mean to tell me, with all the talent in this film, THAT… is the best you could do?
The editing is so quick, it makes the script even faster, which, in turn, makes it sound even more juvenile.
“No, you did!”
“Nuh uh! You did!”
They break the film up into chapters, once again, trying to make a Pulp Fiction-type feel, and it winds up making it worse, because PF is fucking amazing and VD is fucking awful. Heh. Violet and Daisy/VD. See what I did there? I should have just written that for my review and saved myself the time it took to write this. I wasted God knows how long of my life watching it. For the first fifteen minutes, I thought I was watching a short film. It probably should have been a great short.
I rarely give bad reviews, but I couldn’t rightfully let the three people who might read my review, walk in blindly.
It’s a couple of girls, with obvious daddy issues, who are too screwed up to just be strippers. This may be the first film we should have rated by fifths… of vodka. Without all the shooting and blood, it could have been a great script for the return of Mary Kate and Ashley or even worse, Hannah Montana.
The only thing saving this thing from being a six pack was the cinematography, which was AMAZING! Wait… I’m drunk already from the drinking game. It’s a six pack, but still… the guy who is credited for it has shot a lot of things I have loved.
My suggestion… Watch it with the sound off… Then again, the scoring wasn’t that bad, so maybe put it on the French version and enjoy!
Every time they squabble like 12 year olds… Drink.
Do a Shot: every time the girl has to leave to “go get more bullets”
Do a Shot: every time they show the weirdo from the rooftop with binoculars
Any time you guess what happens next… Drink.
Take a Drink: whenever Daisy is a ditz
Take a Drink: for every hit
Take a Drink: for pets
Take a Drink: whenever the damn dresses are referenced
Do a Shot: whenever V & D (hmmm… ewww) prove to be horribly incompetent assassins