United Passions (2015) Movie Review: Running a FIFA with No Prescription…

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for high-minded pronouncements about Soccer

Take a Drink: every time the score swells to ersatz-dramatic speechs

Drink a Shot: each time a character specifically reminds you that what you’re watching is Historically Important

Take a Drink: whenever something racist is done by a British person, because the only racists in the world of FIFA are British.

Take a Drink: any time an actually historical event is referenced, but not shown.

Drink a Shot: every time the film cuts to the multiracial-cultural soccer game being played by children of all backgrounds.  Because in case you didn’t remember Soccer is IMPORTANT.

Community Review

How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

Loading...

Movie Review

By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Six Pack) –

The History of the first 100 years of Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) is charted through the lives of 3 of the organization’s leaders; Jules Rimet (Gérard Depardieu), João Havelange (Sam Neill), and Sepp Blatter (Tim Roth).

Editor’s note: all references to “Football” have hereto-forth been translated to “Soccer” because this is Uh-Merka.

In case you didn’t know, United Passions is happy to remind you that the reason Soccer is such an important sport is due to the actions of a bunch of wealthy white businessmen.

A Toast

United Passions was released with absolutely the worst timing of any movie in history, just as an investigation into FIFA’s corruption resulted in numerous arrests due to racketeering, wire fraud, and money laundering, also resulting in the suspension of accused FIFA chairman Sepp Blatter, who ironically serves as the film’s social conscience.

None of the above issues matter though, because of course United Passions is a 100% historically accurate portrayal of FIFA that tells all, right? Oh… you mean the film is almost entirely funded by FIFA?  Oh…. ohhhhhhh.

OrangutanPee

Beer Two

This first beer goes to Sam Neill and Tim Roth, who accepted the paychecks they were offered.  Tim Roth gets off easy, because his performance is so visibly shaped by the absurdity of this farce that he breaks a knowing smile in just about every scene.  I prefer to think Roth is continually breaking character, but that the director and producers were so up their own ass that they interpreted it as depth of performance.

"You believe this shit?"
“You believe they’re paying me to say this shit?”

Sam Neill, on the other hand, looks haggard, as if he is struggling with the moral dilemma of playing a part in white-washing the questionable history of the organization.  I just feel sorry for him through most of the film.

Beer Three

This is the sort of historical drama where the characters talk highly of what they’re doing, commenting endlessly on the importance of the moment, as the music swells romantically and the camera slowly tightens on its lead characters.  But a film like United Passions, which somehow cost as much as $30 million to make, also quite quizzically never shows the important event.  Instead, the characters will be shown walking through or sitting at a table in a lavishly adorned building. They approach each other and exclaim how important “X” event is that they just witnessed.  In a rare instance they will cut to archival footage. The only exception being near the end, where the producers saw fit to stage a couple of press conferences which… feature the character sitting at a table in a lavishly adorned building…

RothNeill
Goddamn it…

Beer Four

Gérard Depardieu can’t seem to decide on a voice. In an attempt by the French actor to play a French person, he varies so wildly as to be classified as “Vaguely European”. Through most of his scenes in the film, his dialogue is incomprehensible. Unable to tell from the film what his character’s name was, I gave him a name befitting his cross-cultural accent.

Bratwust McPasta
Bratwust McPasta

Beer Five

All of this story is wrapped-around by images of a multicultural game of Soccer played by children of all races and creeds.  It is one of the most obvious pieces of low-rent “message” symbolism in cinematic history, undercut by the message the film delivers that they’re playing a sport owned by wealthy businessmen.

Who break racial boundaries by appearing in photo-ops of constructed historical boundaries being broken...
Who break racial boundaries by appearing in photo-ops of constructed historical boundaries being broken… (boundaries they created)

Beer Six

This last beer is pure speculation, but there is no way this movie should have cost $30 million to make, or even $20 million.  So I’m assuming United Passions was yet another way for FIFA to wash away dirty money by sinking it into a venture they knew was doomed to fail. I cannot prove this allegation, so here’s that picture of the Chimpanzee again…

OrangutanPee

The movie even digs its own grave by showing how the glad-handing of FIFA’s numerous members plays a part in the way any and all decisions like “which country can host the World Cup” are made.

Verdict

Goooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllll!

Six Pack

About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they're confused about something) at least a few times a week. I've gotten way off track here... The point is, Oberst is one of the website's founders, so... yeah

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!