Unhung Hero (2013)

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By: Rob Perez (Three Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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An interesting character study about one man’s obsession with his own shortcomings, Patrick Moote goes on a journey to find out why society places so much emphasis on large . . . penises. Yes, Unhung Hero traces the journey of a man who, after being publicly humiliated by having his marriage proposal rejected on a jumbotron screen, he finds out later that not only does the proposal go viral on YouTube—getting 10 million views in four days—but the real reason behind his fiancée’s no was because he has a small penis. Ooh, ahh, ouch, damn, yikes, jiminy cricket! Of course the good news is that at least I don’t have that problem (Wink).

No, don't do it Patrick. Don't do it! Booyah, it's over!
No, don’t do it Patrick. Don’t do it! Booyah, it’s over!

A Toast

We begin our penis documentary with Patrick in Papua New Guinea where he hears about a chemical that promises Patrick’s penis will grow but has to be injected into his penis in order for it to work. Whether Patrick pricks the main vein with this new ball juice serum is anyone’s guess but at least Patrick has the guts—and unlimited finances it seems—to travel the world to find a cure for little willies. Starting in LA his travels take him to Japan, South Korea, Papua New Guinea, New York, and back to LA.  Patrick decides to make his small penis a guinea pig and see how the world truly feels about the less endowed. In the process we get to see Patrick do all sorts of pretty humiliating stunts with his penis—which we never see, especially since we’d probably need a magnifying glass to see it—and attempts to make it bigger. The results are humorous but they eventually take a serious turn while in Tokyo when he witnesses a doctor—considered the forefather of a penile length procedure—perform the surgery, sees what the procedure entails exactly, and angrily storms out of the country. Just what we need, an international incident over some guy’s small package.

Hey, if this doesn't work I can totally just put the penis pump in my pants. No one will ever know.
Hey, if this doesn’t work I can totally just put the penis pump in my pants. No one will ever know.

So after getting dumped Patrick begins his fact-finding journey, asking men and women how important is penis size. He approaches his parents about his issue and begins to cry in front of his mom (oh, grow a pair) and even finds out his father is on the small side. (No, it doesn’t skip a generation). Later he holds a get-together with his friends who reveal that in high school the term “pickle dick” was in honor of him (pickle dick, ha ha ha!) As if this wasn’t the worse case of ball busting ever he goes searching for his former girlfriends who are all asked by Patrick to be honest and rate his penis. Seriously dude, how do you think this is going to go down?

Determined, Patrick goes on a quest around the world to find a cure. Surely something must be out there for guys like Patrick, whom a urologist describes his penis as a “handful,” the male equivalent of a girl with an A cup. Oh man, this is just getting worse and worse.

Beer Two

With penis enhancements and accessories a 5 billion dollar a year business Patrick tries out an assortment of dick-ccessories (got it from the film, can’t take credit for that one) and makes a trip out to Vegas to the Adult Entertainment Expo to ask porn performers for input. Because if your ego hasn’t already been shattered by this point, of course you want to ask some of the biggest guys in the world and the women who do them what they think of small penises, right? When he realizes American women prefer bigger he travels to Asia to find out if there’s a cure out there (and where he would undoubtedly be the biggest guy in Asia since you know what they say about Asian guys).

Talking to porn stars will totally make my shortcomings easier to deal with.
Talking to porn stars will totally make my shortcomings easier to deal with.

He finds out that not only do Asian men have, on average, the smallest penises in the world (noooooooo, really?) but in Korea, home to the world’s biggest penis statues located in parks dedicated to penises, Korean women actually prefer smaller penises (‘cuz they haven’t been with me yet). It’s while in Asia that Patrick and his small penis get him into big trouble. There’s the incident in the South Korean sauna where Patrick tries to sneak a camera in and is assaulted by several naked men (oh yeah, naked Asian guys with nothing swinging beating down on Patrick is freaking’ hilarious). Then we see Patty, err Patrick, lifting a five pound weight with his penis, drinking and eating various penis drinks, animal penis delicacies (Mmmmm) and we meet up with our friend the penis injector from Papua New Guinea. After realizing the needle is even longer than he is and must have 10 injections inserted into his penis in order to see results, he walks out without doing it. Pussy!

They're statues, they're statues . . . no reason to get excited!
They’re statues, they’re statues . . . no reason to get excited!

Beer Three

It’s not until he travels to Japan and witnesses a rather grotesque penis procedure that Patrick begins having second thoughts about the whole project and admits his insecurities. From a somewhat likable guy who just doesn’t understand why his small penis gets to him so much he becomes a much different, angrier person to everyone, all captured on film while he contemplates even finishing the documentary. When he’s at his lowest point he begins questioning why anyone would want to be with him after seeing this. His mother then sternly reminds him of his history of quitting things midway. “With growth there’s pain,” she tells him. In New York, the world’s smallest man meets in person with Jonah Falcon, the man with the world’s largest dick, who also reminds Patrick if he had a few inches more “You’re still you at the end of the day.”

I can feel the power between my legs!
I can feel the power between my legs!

Verdict

3beers

Believe it or not, whoever thought a documentary about a guy with a small penis would be a good idea was right. Patrick and his team do a fine job of educating the public about penis products, procedures and such (cuz we can’t get enough of that stuff) in a fun and engaging way. Even when the tone turns serious we actually feel his pain whether we’re blessed down there or are going through the same insecurities Patrick is. It’s a sexual topic but the documentary isn’t very sexual; it’s just the point of view of a guy who takes one for the team (if that team were made up of guys with the same short-comings). Patrick literally goes around the world to tell everyone about his small penis and his relationship issues, stuff many guys can relate to, which we have got to give him a lot of credit for. At the end of the documentary Patrick discovers it really isn’t about how many inches you bring to the table. What Unhung Hero tells us is two things; it’s important to accept yourself as who you are, and the person you end up with has to like and accept everything you bring to the table.

 

Drinking Game

Do a Shot: the moment you see Patrick getting dumped on the jumbotron screen.

Do a Double: when you see Patrick dressed up as hot dog and marching in a gay pride parade in San Francisco.

Do a Triple: when Patrick gets yelled at and thrown out of an adult store when he’s caught videotaping inside.

Have a Tall Strong Drink: when Patrick and his sound guy rush out of the Tokyo operating room to throw up.

About Rob Perez

I come from Long Island, NY where I was born, raised and currently still live. I grew up with New York City literally right next door to me where I get to experience everything great about the greatest city in the world, anytime I want to. Look me up especially if your film tastes are in sync with mine. I enjoy comedies, sci-fi, action, spy thrillers, indie films, just about anything with a decent plot. I've been reviewing music and films for 15 years and I'm looking forward to sharing my thoughts with MovieBoozer.com.

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