Trapped in the Closet Chapters 1-12 (2005)

0491587_big[1]By Bill Leon (Six Pack) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Trapped in the Closet is the on-going musical saga by R. Kelly which chronicles the aftermath of a daisy-chain of people fucking. Our story begins with a one night stand between Sylvester and Cathy. Her husband is a pastor named Rufus and he comes home forcing Sylvester to hide in the closet (Trapped in the Closet). Rufus discovers Sylvester in the closet- who of course has pulled out his gun- and decides to reveal to his wife and her lover his own affair. It’s with another man (Trapped in the Closet). From there, the story continues to unfold in increasingly hilarious and over-the-top ways. Throughout the first seven chapters, our protagonist is telling the story from his own perspective. From chapter eight on, R. Kelly steps in as another character, the omnipotent narrator. Chapters 1-12 R. Kelly role count: 2.

A Toast

Trapped in the Closet is a powerhouse of entertainment. I feel like part of it is a bit of a look into R.Kelly’s psyche, part of it is driven by its necessity to rhyme in order to advance the plot, and part of it is R. Kelly voicing all the characters and narrating simultaneously. R. Kelly does not phone in this vocal performance by any means. He clearly believes in this material and sings even the silliest of lines with such conviction. The planets aligned for whatever reason to make Trapped in the Closet insanely fun. Every single element that should work against it kind of makes it better. This is The Room of music videos.

Beer Two

At times, I wish the trademark drip drop noise-laced beat was less prevalent but its a ‘rap opera’, so repetitive constantly swelling beats it is! Once we get past this first installment, we get a lot more musical variety thankfully… although it’s still all at the same B.P.M. You should know coming in that you won’t be seeing any amazing musical compositions here.

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Beer Three

Everything happens to convenience the plot which moves forward based on what rhymes R. Kelly can make no matter how forced they are. I like to pretend this whole thing is being made up on the fly, again just based on the need to rhyme words.

Beer Four

I also like to pretend R. Kelly was writing the plot twists at the end of each chapter and smiling to himself. I’m not sure if some of these SHOCKING reveals constitute SHOCKING reveals. Chapter 12’s final reveal is *spoilers* All these people kind of sort of know each other. Some other baffling more insensitive plot twists include “A gay man.” Outrageous! “A midget.” WELL I NEVER! and the always classic “That midget is the father of my child!”

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Beer Five

A midget stripper shits himself in this… I just thought that was a noteworthy thing that happened.

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Beer Six

SOMEBODY NEEDS TO FIX THAT DRIPPING FAUCET IN R. KELLY’S RECORDING STUDIO!

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This is my favorite part of the first installment.
“CALM THE FUCK DOWN!”

Verdict

a6packbeer

Overall Trapped in the Closet Chapters 1-12 is just so bad it’s good, so gleefully stupid and ambitious that I really can’t fault it for much. I love it.

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for infidelity.

Take a Drink: when someone pulls out a gun.

Take a Drink: for outrageous and shocking plot twists.

Do a Shot: of your choice for anything in this because it’s all worth taking a shot for.

About Bill Leon

Writer/Podcast at Movieboozer

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