Take a Drink: each time there’s that cheesy firework/rocket pyrotechnic effect.
Do a Shot: whenever Mark Wahlberg gets protective of his daughter.
Take a Drink: every time you see a product placement slap you in the face.
Do a Shot: for every American flag.
Take a Drink: whenever you hear “Lucky Charms”, “Daddy”, “Optimus Prime”, or “Transformium”.
Shotgun a Beer: if you made it to the end of the film without a bathroom break… Because you’re a goddamned camel.
Hey guys, let’s go ahead and take a shitload of acid and magic mushrooms and do lines of bad decisions off a stripper’s asscrack and see what happens (clearly the idiots who conceived this fecal fuckwittery and latest turn in the crapfest pantheon that’s become of the Transformers: Give Us Your Money And We’ll Junk Punch You With Nostalgia No Really This’ll Totally Be A Better Decision Than That Time You Raw-Dogged A Hooker franchise). But we digress. Welcome back to The Felix-Ripjaw Debate Presents: a very special review of Transformers: Age of ExSTINKtion, in which Hawk Ripjaw (kitten wrangler extraordinaire) and Felix Felicis (hamster whisperer to the stars) take one, two, thirty-five for the team and tell you why you should take a hard pass on this latest Michael Baygasm.
Several years after Chicago got its butt turned inside out in Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon, there are a whole lot of plot holes and Transformers both good and evil are being hunted across the globe by a shadowy government agency led by Kelsey Grammer’s beard, driving the Autobots into hiding. Meanwhile in Texas, a guy with a TOTALLY REAL name, Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg), runs a failing robotics shop out of his shed while his daughter Tessa (Nicola Peltz) does teenage girl stuff.
One day, Cade and his buddy Lucas Flannery (T.J. Miller, no word on whether he’s called T.K. Miller in the UK) travel to Mexico City to explore an old theater and wink at the audience at how movies are only remakes and sequels like it’s the freshest shit ever and no one, not even a movie released earlier in the month, had ever made a joke like that before. That’s when Cade finds an old truck in the auditorium that no one had noticed, because a fucking semi in a movie theater is totes easy to miss. He buys it and takes it home, and soon finds out that it’s none other than Optimus Prime, in severe need of a trip to Midas and probably sexual release. Optimus strikes me as the kind of guy who needs to get his nut off every now and then.
Of course, no one pulls a fast one on Kelsey Grammer’s beard, and he immediately dispatches his evil squadron of government agents with slow motion trench coats, black cars, and sunglasses to get Prime, and the family goes on the run with Tessa’s boyfriend Lucky Charms (Jack Reynor) in tow. As it turns out, the mastermind of this is a Transformer named Lockdown, who has a gun for a face and a ship so big he’s GOT to be compensating for something and is hunting down all of the Transformers. Meanwhile, Joshua Joyce (Stanley Tucci) is using the metal the Transformers are made of (called, I shit you not, “Transformium”) to make an army of new robots. Action ensues. Bladders fill.
He Said: Believe it or not, Bay is not quite the spoiled 5-year-old that we thought he might be, because he’s finally actually listening.
She Said: This is a trick question, right? AM I ON CANDID CAMERA?!
He Said: Age of Extinction is slightly less nauseating and chaotic than its predecessors, and once or twice it is actually possible to tell who is who when the metal starts flying.
She Said: If The Bayster and J.J. Abrahammy get together on a project, we’re so fucked. It’d just be five hours of incoherent camera flares and explosions. So basically like having sex with a Kardashian.
He Said: The character designs still kind of suck, but at least we can actually tell when our least favorite character is getting punched in the face and be satisfied. In addition, the stupid humor is WAY toned down—
She Said: Yeah, and the douchetastic dialogue is dialed WAY up, ex.
Optimus Prime: “When you look at the stars, think of one as my soul.”
BRB. Gotta go vomit the last of my dignity into Michael Bay’s skinny jeans.
He Said: –there aren’t any idiotic parents or dogs humping each other to be found anywhere, though that runty little Transformer from the last one with the blue eyes makes a return.
She Said: DANNY DEVITO IS IN THIS?! HOW DID I MISS THAT?!
He Said: Also, mad props to Bay for making the requisite FAS (Fucking Annoying Sidekick) kick the bucket within the first act of the film. That’s right, you only have to put up with roughly three years (approximately the length of one third of Age of Extinction) of T.J. Miller’s bullshit before Lockdown uses his Ultra Cockslap Bombs to turn our comic relief into Kentucky Fried Human.
She Said: Great. Now I want fried chicken. Actually, a bucket of that would’ve made this movie way better (because if I’m gonna get boned by something, I want it to be fried chicken and not a suck-ass robot fuckfest of banality).
He Said: Also, John Goodman does the voice of Hound, and we all love John Goodman.
She Said: John Goodman is my spirit animal. Well, it’s a tie between him and deep-fried Twinkies.
He Said: Woe betide the souls that sang praises to Bay after learning that Shitty LeBeouf was no longer part of the franchise, because the trade-off was just as bad. While the lack of someone screaming “OPTIMUS” every five fucking seconds is more refreshing than Channing Tatum after a shower, the alternative is either “DADDY!” or “TESSA!” and they’re pretty much just as frequent.
She Said: Forsooth, I’m really hoping the Transformers franchise is the longest and most elaborate episode of Punk’d ever.
He Said: Nikola Peltz, who graced us with her “acting” in M. Night’s The Last Airbender, is one of the most boring female protagonists since Mary Jane McScreamy Scream in the old Spider-Man movies.
She Said: If you spliced them together we could cure insomnia.
He Said: She’s pretty much a pair of legs with a face, since both get plenty of close-ups, and the only reason she isn’t treated like a Megan Fox cum dumpster is because her character is supposed to be 17-years-old.
She Said: Hey now, there was a really poignant moment where she stared off into the distance and didn’t say anything. It was actually her best scene.
He Said: Which scene was that now? You’re describing like all of them.
He Said: The father-daughter dynamic is the most basic of “Cade is overprotective because Mom is dead,” and HOOO BOY I BETCHA CAN’T WAIT FOR THE COMEDY THAT ENSUES WHEN HE FINDS OUT SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.
She Said: YOU MEAN THERE’S A COMPLICATED FAMILY DYNAMIC TO RESOLVE AFTER THEY SAVE THE WORLD AND GO OUT FOR A NICE DINNER AT APPLEBEES?!
He Said: Once Shane shows up, there is plenty of “hilarity” as Cade immediately becomes terrified that the couple even kisses, because that’s where babies come from.
She Said: Hahahaha right? That’s just stupid. Everybody knows babies come from sitting down on toilet seats in public restrooms… Wait. Or was that herpes?
He Said: I thought it was butt cancer.
He Said: Someone fucked up on the movie set, because in one of the early action scenes a key grip apparently left a box of the production’s logic laying around and it got blown up, causing all of that logic to be destroyed.
She Said: This was basically a rebootquel and your first problem was assuming anyone brought a box of logic on set to begin with. They clearly blew their wad a little early on shallow characters and special effects. I’ll bet they didn’t even have gluten-free bagels from Kraft services.
He Said: So many things don’t make sense here, from Optimus Prime magically having rocket boots during his cock-stroking final monologue about looking to the stars to do some philosophical bullshit, or another Autobot being a helicopter once and a car some other time. And wasn’t Bumblebee a new Camaro in the last movie? He’s old here again.
She Said: On the plus side, I had a fucking delicious hot dog to digest my regret with during the movie… So there’s that.
He Said: The couple next to me had a hot dog too.
He Said: How the fuck do you make giant robots fighting each other boring?
She Said: Hipster robots, Republican robots, Militant Feminist robots, Real Housewives of Robots robots… Actually, I’d watch the shit out of that last one. CALL ME, BRAVO NETWORK.
He Said: Somewhere in his mad scientist laboratory in which Bay concocts all that is evil about Hollywood blockbusters, the director figured out how to make an action movie with explosions, citywide destruction, and giant robot aliens shooting and killing each other a clock-watching experience.
She Said: I had time to hate my life, stew over past regrets, knit five sweaters, and silently resent my mother; all before my first bladder-busting piss break.
He Said: This motherfucker is almost three hours long. Though Felix and I are half a country and an ocean apart, we each had to take two bathroom breaks, like we had a potty party via neural connection.
She Said: Please don’t ever say “potty party” again. My vagina just shriveled up and died.
He Said: I had to go during the rendezvous at the gas station and then right after they tore shit up in Joyce’s lab. Just when you think it’s over, there’s another 20 minutes, just like when your significant other wants to talk about relationship issues.
She Said: The longest relationship I ever had was with an extra-large, triple-pepperoni pizza. I miss him.
He Said: Once the first “Directed by Michael Bay” card appeared at the end of the movie it was like the outside of the theater was the inside of Wal-Mart on Black Friday, everyone made a mad dash for the exit to empty their bladders and take to the IMDB forums to argue over who’s wrong about subjective quality.
She Said: I totes get what Nelson Mandela went through now. Sure, he was in prison for twenty years but tomato/tomahto.
He Said: We were all just so glad it was over, and stepped outside to blink the sunlight from our eyes, remember what fresh air smelled like, and realize that they were able to build a new shopping mall across the street.
She Said: Let’s go to the mall… Today!
He Said: At the end of the day, this movie is unmistakably a Michael Bay joint.
She Said: I don’t even think watching this stoned would’ve helped.
He Said: There’s so much Bayness here it’s headache-inducing. The man has his personal list of tropes tattooed on his chest, and all he has to do is lift up his shirt and read them, also showing off what he thinks are chiseled abs but are really just a nice, soft beer belly.
She Said: It’s almost genius, really. He literally makes the same movie over and over again AND WE LET HIM. Fuck. I quit life. Just wake me up when the McRib comes back in season.
He Said: This movie has it all: American flags, impossibly huge explosions, gratuitous product placement (I mean IN YOUR FACE) and, of course, those awful circular tracking shots that are probably in every single scene.
She Said: Imagine a toilet backed up with sewage. You toss a cherry bomb down that bitch and dance in the shitsplosion of AMURRICA and consumerism. It’s the Michael Bay Experience. Also, if you go and see Age of Extinction after reading this KNOW THAT YOU’RE WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS (and avoid the 3D, it’s pricey and distracting at best, annoying at worst).
He Said: And of course, all Asians know karate. Joyce is in an elevator with some rando and shortly after, both this Asian dude and Joyce’s Asian assistant are kicking the ass of all of the evil government guys. Because who gives a fuck about cultural sensitivity?
She Said: Fun fact: Michael Bay had his head so far up China’s ass he cast the Hong Kong Justin Timberlake (Han Geng) as that random dude with a guitar in the climactic battle, not to mention Elevator Guy (China’s first-ever Olympic Gold Medalist boxer, Zou Shiming) for the totally non-stereotypical Ninja Asian Ass Kicker Bro.
He Said: Age of Extinction was the cinematic equivalent of receiving a lobotomy from someone who has no idea what that is so instead repeatedly smacks you in the face with a wrench.
She Said: Transformers: One Time I Shit My Pants And That Was More Fun Than This was like White House Down meets Independence Day and drops a Cleveland Steamer on National Lampoon’s Vacation. Gargling meth would be a better decision than seeing this movie.