Take a Drink: anytime the planet Inspiron is mentioned
Take a Drink: if you can discern a lack of interest or sadness in the eyes of the talking dogs
Drink a Shot: for the puns
Drink a Shot: for low-rent CGI
By: Oberst Von Berauscht & Señor Cojones (Six Pack) –
-Oberst: A group of kids and their look-alike puppies find themselves wrapped up in a comic book mystery come alive. The dogs find magical rings which give them each super powers. Meanwhile, an evil alien searches tirelessly for the rings, hoping to exploit them in his bid to take over the universe. As the evil alien closes in, a good alien assumes the form of a dog, and becomes a super hero alongside a comic book writer, whose tales of their exploits become a major selle… I wanted a movie to review, and for my sins, they gave me one. Streamed it up to me through Netflix. It was a real choice movie, and when it was over, I never wanted another.
–Señor Cojones: The movie is sold early on with two disparate storylines. As it progressed I found myself being more drawn to the untraditional hero’s tale concerning a boy coming of age with his shapeshifting alien dog. I figured that when the stories finally merged it would set the stage for an action packed throwdown against a plundering technology-powered fiend!
–Señor Cojones: I am going to stay positive…the film has an underlying message of comic book appreciation and celebrates the joy of children being willing and able to read REAL comics. Super Buddies can stand tall like such great works of cinema as The Neverending Story or The Pagemaster as a family feature that encourages reading!
-Oberst: Ever since seeing the movie I’ve been experiencing frequent blackouts, I will just be in the middle of a normal conversation and suddenly will wake up and two hours have passed. Anyway back on topic, Super Buddies is the latest in a series of Buddies movies, which were offshoots of the Air Bud franchise, involving a Basketball playing dog. The various Bud/Buddies series has been a cash cow for Disney, resulting in a dozen films, mostly released straight to DVD and streaming services. This latest film features a cast including such icons as John Ratzenberger and…It’s impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what a horrible movie means. Horrible… Horrible has a face… and you must make a friend of horrible. Horrible and artistic terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies.
–Señor Cojones: Umm…okay honestly it was rather horrible. This is the type of feature that really challenges you to distance yourself and not ask those deeper questions. Like why does an alien in the form of a dog form a close pet/owner bond with a human boy? As a higher life form wouldn’t he be above such trivialities as performing tricks and licking?!
-Oberst: There are many issues with the film’s storyline, stemming from the screenplay. One of the “Super Buddies” is named B-Dawg, and spends most of the film spouting generic ghetto stereotypes. The children characters are mostly human stand-ins for the puppies, and more or less exist only as a form of exposition, or to make questionable hand gestures…
The screenplay also features such brilliant lines such as “Pepperoni! If you are what you eat, then I’m about to become super spicy-salty.”
–Señor Cojones: The film paints everything in broad strokes and spells out for you who is good and evil. The acting fails to elevate any of the performances beyond simple stereotypes and borderline offensive caricatures! The monkey being a plainly obvious exception…
-Oberst: I find it particularly worrying that the filmmakers chose to CGI only the mouths of the dogs. The eyes are kept more or less unedited, which makes for some interesting clashes in mood when the dogs are reading upbeat dialogue in scenes where the dogs are clearly tired or totally disinterested.
-Señor Cojones: As a morbid alternative, I would suggest watching the film on mute and providing your own dialogue. I envision a scenario where the puppies are being enslaved by their cruel human wardens.
-Oberst: I have this theory that John Ratzenberger owes a small fortune to creditors, because he’s giving far more effort than this kind of film requires. Not that I mind, he does manage to be the best actor in the room in just about every scene. But when he dons the Grandpa Man costume the film is best experienced with the mindset that the entire film is taking place during Ratzenberger’s bad acid flashback
-Señor Cojones: I’m left wondering if the screenwriters have so distanced themselves from the everyman that they truly believe that “Grandpa Man” is a real thing?! Like there are patriarchal families in which the leader not only invents a hero for the youngster’s birthday, but he would actually don the persona to attempt battle against a superior alien life form?
-Oberst: I was rather shocked to learn that the actor who plays Sheriff Dan wasn’t in any way related to the film’s producers. His performance ranks as one for the ages… and by “ages” I mean that it is for the ages of 0-8 years old, because nobody older would possibly find it convincing.
I think the filmmakers are going for some kind of reference to Sheriff Rosco and his dog Flash from Dukes of Hazz-I felt like he was up there, waiting for me to take the pain away. He just wanted to go out like a professional, standing up, not like some poor, wasted, rag-assed renegade filmmaker. Even the Producers wanted him dead, and that’s who he really took his orders from anyway.
-Señor Cojones: I don’t know his performance when under the influence of Drex was a marked improvement. If I was really going to criticize a performance it would be the candy store burglars…
-Oberst: Oh lord the puns, the puns… I watched a movie… crawl along at the pace of a freezing glacier… That’s my dream… that’s my nightmare… to watch a movie crawling, slithering along at the pace of a freezing glacier… and to survive.
-Señor Cojones: BUDdy YOU said it!! I found the overa-BUD-nance of puns to be un-BUD-ieveable!! I mean, who talks like that?! Barking out forced clichés with such rapid intensity!
-Oberst: the horror… the horror
-Oberst: Warning to all parents; the brain damage caused by this film is not worth the temporary reprieve it will buy you from having to actually control your children…
-Señor Cojones: Only see this movie if you work for Purina, have a death wish, or have a significant other who is REALLY into superheroes, dogs, and Cheers.