Take a Drink: anytime something melodramatic as fuck happens.
Take a Drink: each time Abercrombie and Fitch aka Sean’s life gets a little shittier.
Do a Shot: for every dance bro body spray/insane Alexxa Brava costume change.
Take a Drink: whenever the crews trash talk each other/for every dance battle
Take a Sip: for each new dance crew/training montage
Take a Shot: for the token “F Bomb”. Take Two: If you’re the last one to catch it.
Shotgun a Beer: when the magic of dance saves the day.
By: Felix Felicis (Five Beers) –
Sometimes you watch a movie so retarded it makes every other life experience you’ve ever had sparkle in comparison. I remember last week’s Taco Bell Hell Deuce fondly after watching Step Up: All In No Seriously Give Us Your Money And Watch The Magic Of Dance And Friendship! Things I would’ve done rather than watch this fecal fuckwittery include: banging my head on a wall for two hours, lighting my face on fire, watching a live water birth, and willingly spending ten minutes with a dealer’s choice Kardashian.
Step Up: All In follows, uh, hold on, I have to check IMDB as I literally didn’t care enough to remember anyone’s name other than Adam Sevani’s “Moose” (and that was only because they repeated it every five minutes)… Okay, I’m back! The film follows Ryan Guzman’s “Sean” as he and dance crew The Mob continue trying to make it big riding on the success they had in the last installment of the franchise, Step Up 4: I Didn’t Watch This All I Remember From The Trailer Is They Danced To Save Miami Or Something And Got A Nike Ad Out Of It? But with money and hope running out, Sean and The Mob split up just in time for Sean to discover a dance competition in Las Vegas that could be the answer to all his dancery dreams! But calling up his old crew would make too much sense! Much better to form an entirely new crew in three weeks, and as these All Stars from the franchise get together to battle for their career dreams they learn lessons on life, love, and DANCE. Brb. Gotta go vomit the last of my dignity into cable-knit legwarmers.
Adam Sevani, a franchise regular, is a welcome addition to the film as he’s a genuinely likeable person on and off screen. There was also a pretty hilarious opening audition sequence that gave me false hope like dangling some sweet crack in front of an addict and then snatching it away that this movie wouldn’t suck harder than Tara Reid auditioning for Sharknado 3. Taken individually, the characters are relatable and engagingly talented dancers. As long as they don’t speak. Step Up: All In was basically a two hour music video ruined whenever anyone opened their mouths to “emote”. I’ve seen more talented acting from a molding cucumber in my vegetable crisper. Dave was a hell of a legume. I miss that fungi.
I’ve reviewed three movies in three weeks and would I have rather been in the bukkake bonanza of baddassery that is Guardians of the Galaxy a second time? The answer is YES SWEET BABY JESUS YES. But is Step Up: All In better than the AARP pornado I sat through And So It Goes? The answer here is ABSOLUTELY I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I’M TYPING IN ALL CAPS BUT GODDAMN IT I CAN’T STOP HELP ME. This movie is a pointless explosion of gangsta song and dancery (but it’s better than being junk-punched by Kim Jong Un for two hours). So there’s that.
I lost the will to live twenty minutes into this film. Whoever wrote this script hands-down dug it out of an asscrack filled with empty platitudes, inspirational quotes and “Hang In There!” kitten posters. I’m all for helping the needy, but letting raccoons addicted to PCP and forced to watch The Notebook on a loop, Clockwork Orange-style, write Step Up: All In was a terrible idea, you guys. WAY worse than letting Taylor Swift think she can act by continuing to cast her in shit.
Here are a few gems I remember in-between snorting bleach and crying in the fetal position:
“You think I can’t swing this?”
“You’re the dancing Moose, the dancing Moose can figure it out.”
INSERT DANCE BATTLE!
“I feel like I’m holding you back.”
“I found the person I wanna dance with.”
“Are you sure?”
INSERT DANCE BATTLE!
“You know what you need to do.”
“You do it.”
INSERT DANCE BATTLE!
Watching this movie will make you stupider, science fact, but if you willingly bought a ticket to this dance dumbassery I’m not sure that’s possible. Please raise your hand if you’re a fan of the franchise so I know who to junk-punch BECAUSE YOU’RE WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.
Imagine wooden puppets awkwardly flailing around while having grand-mal seizures for two hours, set to an over-stimulated backdrop designed to dazzle and amaze and distract you from the terrible act-I SAID LOOK OVER HERE, KAREN, GOD CAN’T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT NO DON’T PAY ATTENTION TO THE MOVIE HA HA HA. There was little-to-no chemistry between the leads, and by that I mean I’ve seen crackheads handing out bus-stop-blowies emote more convincing attraction than whatever was happening with Dance Party Ken and Dance Booty Barbie. Their whole mind-numbing courtship, culminating in a Dirty Dancing homage to trust, was about as believable as Bill Clinton denying he got his chub on in the Oval Orifice.
Half the time I wasn’t sure Sean and, um, hold on I have to check IMDB again… Briana Evigan’s “Andie” even liked each other (at no point was their rapport genuine or believable). And when the movie wasn’t shoving that down your throat, it was bouncing between lackluster dance battles and gangsta posturing so unbelievably over-blown I’m surprised the swagger ref didn’t blow his whistle and red card the whole fucking cast. Wait… This just in. They didn’t even have a swagger ref?! No wonder, this cast was scooped from the Derek Zoolander School For Kids Who Wanna Learn How To Act Good And Do Other Stuff Good Too alongside the So You Think You Can Dance But You Really Can’t Act alumni association.
Creativity! Creativity! My kingdom for an ounce of fucking creativity! Okay, maybe not my kingdom but I definitely shelled out cash that could’ve been spent on booze for this bland bullshitery. I know it’s hard to keep a franchise fresh and if you stray too far from the formula, fans will nail you harder than Courtney Love nailed rails of cocaine back in the day (though don’t go far enough and critics will drop you faster than panties at a John Mayer Concert) BUT FOR FUCK’S SAKE CAN WE ALL AGREE THAT OPPOSITES ATTRACT OOPS HE BETRAYED ME WAIT I REALLY DO LOVE HIM KISSY FACE KISSY FACE IS A BIT OVERDONE?!
Step Up: All In suffered from your basic paint-by-numbers plot Helen Keller could’ve done a better job on, not to mention when there weren’t predictable turns of events shoving characters into the appropriate arcs purely because that’s what needed to happen, there were gaping holes in logic so huge Pharrell could shove his entire oversized-weird-ass-hat-included head through it at any time. For example:
- Crew quits on you and you immediately discover a great dance competition that could solve all your problems? Wanna call them back? Hahaha wrong answer, form an entirely new crew with three weeks until the big showdown! Obviously.
- Discover dastardly deeds behind the scenes? Wanna tell anyone in a position of authority? No? YOU’RE GONNA SOLVE IT THROUGH THE MAGIC OF DANCE?! Genius!
This movie was a pointless, vacant, negative space where two hours of my life got sucked away into a black hole of mediocrity leaving me empty and unsatisfied. So basically like any relationship I’ve ever been in. Step Up: All In was filler fluff at it’s worst, barely entertaining even during the showy dance scenes WHICH WERE THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT TO THE MOVIE. Even in a franchise there has to be a reason to give a shit about the characters, to have that next chapter in the story and Step Up: All In failed to engage on that most basic of levels, forcing the story into a mold designed to suck cash out your wallet, and the last dregs of dignity from your soul, for no other reason than “just because.”
So if you enjoy being clubbed over the head repeatedly by a tired plot points and played-out themes, then look no further because this is the movie for you! With just three easy payments of $19.99 you, too, can experience this shitsplosion of douchebaggery! But the pre-teens to my left were enthralled from start to finish, so if you’ve got a few broken condoms to get rid of for a few hours and the babysitter’s busy, this’ll do the trick.
Step Up: All In was a dead hooker propped up for another Weekend At Bernie’s-like franchise installment except way-less-not-at-all-funnier. Take a hard pass on this and go see Guardians of the Galaxy. Or watch paint dry for two hours. Both are better decisions.