Spider-Man 3 (2007)

Spider-Man 3 (2007)
Spider-Man 3 (2007) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Katherine Balestrini (Six Pack) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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What can I say about Spiderman 3 that doesn’t involve me swearing so much I turn the internet blue and gets Movieboozer taken off for its profanity?

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Made me so angry I turned into an emoticon.

A Toast

A film that starts off like any other sequel; fans boiling with excitement to see Venom? Spiderman has the girl, what could go wrong? Sandman, sure he looks a little naff, but he is a Spiderman villain after all and last but not least… no, I just stopped caring.

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Something useful made from sand.

Beer Two

OMG!!!! What the hell happened, it’s like watching the worst version of something and staying till the end praying, nay hoping that it gets better! It just gets worse and worse, from Spiderman turning Emo, the dancing… the devil may care attitude of Spiderman at one point is laughable!

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Never a truer quote when Tobey Maguire said yes to another sequel!

Beer Three

Venom. The anticipation, the pure  evil that is Venom, the lust for power, for vengeance. No, wait, he is only on the screen for a fraction of the movie, we haven’t really got time for Venom, we have much less powerful, less anticipated villains we must get back to!!

VENOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

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Should have been AWESOME, do you hear me?? Awesome!

Beer Four

Ahhh Harry, aka the best friend, aka The Hob Goblin, aka another orphan, aka the ex boyfriend of MJ. His hate for Peter is  equal to anyone who has lost a girl/father to the same person. I know I would be mad. But weirdly in this messed up film about messed up orphans, something remarkable and totally expected happens….forgiveness just before Harry kicks the bucket. It’s like this was written  for children….oh wait, it is!

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Proper revenge is best served with swords, blood and great lines. “ Are you not entertained?”

Hell Yes, Marcus! If only Stan Lee had been more vengeful.

Beer Five

The moped!!! Jesus H, he is Spiderman. He is always Spiderman, he doesn’t just change his mind on a whim. So why is he paying for petrol, parking, and tax when he can quite happily web from place to place?

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He would have looked cooler on this!

Beer Six

Topher Grace. What can I say about Topher; strange name, average looking bloke, an ok actor. However, he tries so hard in this to make it awesome; he is trying his best to make it off the screen and into the films of tomorrow. This, however, is not the movie for him; he is up against far better actors, a terrible script and please see above for Venom rant. Since this film Topher has not really made it, his agent knows it, and one day he will reappear in a sitcom on your TVs.

Verdict

Six Pack

This film made fans and teenagers weep. Poorly scripted, poorly acted and poorly executed. The people who made this film should be ashamed!! Making out in a Spiderweb!! Sandman!!! What happened?  Let’s hope they don’t remake it, while I am still young enough to care….oh wait!!! NO!!!!

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t this stupid. But they make the remakes and I watch them, they make the sequels and I watch them.

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Someone make something new and original and I will probably not watch it!

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: if you paid to see this film

Take a Drink: for every new character that shows up

Take a Drink: every time you think, “there must be something else I could be doing”

Take a Drink: when you realise that you stopped caring about Spiderman

Do a Shot: emo Spiderman!

Do a Shot: When Venom comes on screen!

Do a Shot: When Venom is gone!!

About Katherine Balestrini

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