The Smurfs 2 (2013)

By: Jake Peroni (Three Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Once upon a time, kids had to wait until weekend mornings to watch cartoons. Remotes were called “Clickers” because of the noise they made when you scrolled through the 12 channels available. Kids played outside dawn to dusk, rain or shine. But when that Hanna Barbera logo streamed across the screen, little kids would drop whatever they were smurfing and gather round the little wooden paneled box. Their little hearts lifted with anticipation… Only to sometimes share in the disappointment to find out it’s a goddamn Johan and Peewit themed episode of the Smurfs. Seriously, did ANYONE like the Johan and Peewit episodes? If you did you’re now a psychopath.

johon and peewee

“I said quiet, Peewit. They all know we suck and ruined the Smurfs”

Luckily the Smurfs 2 did not introduce those two medieval snoozefests and kept the story focused on the little blue bastards we paid to see.

Having never seen the first I was smurfin’ nervous we would not be able to pick up the story where the first left off;

Did any Smurfs die in the first?

Did Gargamel finally actually eat one?

How are Smurfs born?

Is Smurfette their sister or the village sperm bank?

All these burning questions, I hoped had not been already answered in the first smurfin’ movie!

smurfetteslut

Let’s be honest, if she was the only female, it wouldn’t matter what she looked like.

Well, this movie may not have answered all my smurfin’ questions, (and I’m not allowed to contact Hanna Barbera with any more letters… long story). But the film did shed light on explaining Smurfette’s existence and role in the village.

To start, I was happy to see the movie recreate the characters I remember so vividly. This film is a perfect platform for CGI technology. I normally rant about the smurfin’ downfall of films due to the smurfin’ gross overuse of CGI, but smurfin’ A, if this film was the perfect fit for it.

The story picks up with Gargamel (Hank Azaria) adapting to life in modern day Paris. He has created two “Naughties” (gray smurfs, one’s a hot little biscuit and the other is a big dumb frat bro). In the movie, Gargy has no intention of eating smurfs like in the show, instead he extracts magic from them to aid him in his wizardry. (DRINK if you have used the word “Wizardry” in the last 12 months). Gargamel’s goal is to convince Smurfette (Voiced by Katy Perry) to give him the secret potion recipe, which involves happy thoughts and all that BS… The shocker was finding out that Smurfette was NOT an original smurf. Gargamel created her, and Papa Smurf made her blue and adopted her. (I seemed to be the only person in the audience stunned by this revelation).

stunned monkey

Whatever, this is the best pic I could find dancing on the borders of blackout city.

Anyway, the plot isn’t really important. You are either watching with your kids, or stoned off your rocker to follow any semblance of a plot; you just wanna see the little blue sh*ts running around the real world.

hanginwithadrunksmurf

“Eyh brah, I think it’s kickin’ in”

A Toast

There is a heavy “Fatherly” theme to this film. Pitting a stepdad’s role over birth parents. I originally planned this as a negative beer, being such a downer with drama laced in a movie about 2 inch little fairy mushroom men. But they rounded out the whole movie with an overall lesson of love and acceptance, redefining a traditional family. I really liked that… and I’ll bet anything that was in the pitch to the studio to buy the screenplay. Although I’ll also bet my kid’s 529 plans that this family acceptance theme went well above their (i.e. the target audience’s) head. I’m wondering if ANYONE in that theater knew what was going on?

papasmurfy

See my kids would laugh at this… none the wiser.

The movie was light and enjoyable from beginning to end. Was it great? I don’t know, it’s a kids movie, the jokes are lame and PC, but the story and nostalgia are just enough for the  the grown audience to invest in.

In total honesty, the best part of this movie is not a part of the movie itself, it’s the Britney Spears music video that my kids have watched 300 times since discovering it on YouTube. I thought of an awesome joke involving Smufs, Brittney Spears, and blue balls back when I was sober… Can’t remember it for the life of me now. Just trust me it was good. Go ahead and laugh as if it was a 7 out of 10 on the funny joke scale.

britney-spears-ohh-la-la-650-430

Britney is no stranger to blue balls…or something like that. Anyway, AWESOME video.

Beer Two

Surprisingly this was the first movie I got the kids ALL the way to the end… it was tough though. We had an “I have to poop” shituation, and by the end they were running up and down the stairs. Long story short, beer two is simply because the movie is almost 2 hours long. ALL KIDS MOVIES should run a MAXIMUM 1 hour 30 minutes. Anything more than that, I let them poop their pants.

Beer Three

Grouchy and Vanity are premier Smurfs in this one? I feel like Grouchy’s lines were no more than George Lopez’s opening monologue from his show no one ever watched. (p.s. Grouchy was voiced by George Lopez) What happened to Grouchy hating everything? Has it gotten so PC that he can’t even say “I hate…”? And Vanity?? They missed the boat with a lot of flamboyant jokes… He was obviously toned down for this, too. What a crock.

Lastly, Papa’s voice sucked. It was nothing like the Papa Smurf I remember, instead it sounds like a horny pedophile camp counselor. (So they tell me.)

smurfs2featurepic

“Excuse me, was that a molestation joke?”

Verdict

3beers1

Worth a looksy, if you have kids, or are on hallucinogenic drugs. (Ironically both cause very similar internal roller coasters). But if your plan to see this is to stir some long forgotten nostalgia, look elsewhere. This is a reimagining of the Smurfs based off the show we love. Go watch them on Boomerang (and hope it’s not a Smurfin’ Johan and Peewee episode!)

Drinking Games

Take a Drink: anytime the word (or form of the word) “Smurf” is used instead of an F’ Bomb

Take a Drink: anytime someone sings La-La-LaLaLa-Laaaaa (smurfs song)

Take a Drink: for any “recycle” or environmentally friendly joke 

Down a Shot: anytime Azrael the cat laughs

About Jake Peroni

Bestselling Author, Distinguished Film Critic, Cutting Edge Journalist, Respected Reporter, Successful Businessman... Big Fat Sh*tty Liar. Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

One comment

  1. I adored the Smurfs when I was little:) These films however want me to strangle my child self!! STOP MAKING THEM !!!!

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