Take a Drink: for nightmarish character design
Take a Drink: for ridiculously blunt James Bond references
Take a Drink: whenever the beaver screams like the possessed
Take a Drink: for every “quip” of Alan Cumming’s oily, randy goat character. Take a bath afterwards.
Take a Drink: whenever the duck pilot randomly shows up
Do a Shot: for the dregs of Sean Connery’s career
Do a Shot: when you realize he dragged Shirley Bassey into this to crap all over her legacy, too
Do a Shot: and cry. Sean Connery was your hero, man. This is how all heroes end- deluded and senile.
By: Henry J. Fromage & Oberst von Berauscht (Six Pack) –
I’m not going to beat around the bush here. Sir Billi (or Guardian of the Highlands, as it’s know in some places) is the single smelliest animated shitpile I’ve ever had the pleasure to witness, and not only that, it’s almost certainly Sean Connery’s last act as an artist, as he stars as a skate-boarding dairy farmer who has to save a beaver from a raging river and animal control or some such shit with the help of his ambulatory goat/dog-thing (Alan Cumming) and a town full of characters specifically designed to make a viewer physically ill. It’s beyond depressing, and yet impossible to tear your eyes away from. So I goaded Oberst into watching it and recording his thoughts via Facebook chat, with occasional commentary from myself and other MovieBoozer luminaries. Here’s what transpired:
Henry J. Fromage: I have a special place in my heart for fuckugly animation that should never exist, speaking of which…
Oberst von Berauscht: The fact that Sean Connery managed to star in a worse film than League of Extraordinary Gentlemen just saddens me.
Hawk Ripjaw: It’s not even that. It’s that he quit Hollywood, and this is the movie that made him come back.
Bill Leon: …. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS???
Henry: Bill… it is everything that shouldn’t be… and a long, wet, corn-studded shit on an entire career. It’s glorious… and hands down the ugliest animation that ever was or ever will be:
Bill: Flashbacks of Foodfight!
Henry: Foodfight! looks like Pete Docter and Brad Bird voltroned into the greatest animator of all time compared to this. I really can’t stress enough.
This is the worst animated film of ALL TIME.
Look at that freaking abomination straight out of Revelations in the corner there.
IT SHOULD NOT EXIST.
Bill: And it stars Sean Connery… This is weird.
Henry: I kind of just want to quit my job and devote my time to a daily podcast analyzing this film frame by frame.
I don’t think anything but the most stringent, detailed calculation of its many crimes against film and nature could do it justice
Henry: That’s Alan Cumming there
Oberst: Alan Cumming is kind of movie Cancer at this point.
Henry: And Shirley Bassey… probably saddest of all is the fact that he pulled her legacy into this mess…
Oberst: I don’t think Connery pulled anyone into it. I would bet that he’s old and frail and someone talked him into it.
Henry, maybe you should start a Shitty animation podcast. It would be cheap to do. Lots of them on Netflix
Henry: The thought that there might be something… worse… than Sir Billi out there frightens me at a deep, existential level
Oberst: But isn’t the pursuit of a worse film than Sir Billi a special journey all its own?
Henry: Before I embark on such a quest, I need you all to help me confirm that my brain’s not rebelling against me and watch Sir Billi: Guardian of the Highlands.
Oberst: Where can I see it for free?. I’ll watch it right now and post about it here… It’s on Netflix. It is under “Guardian of the Highlands”. Will you stay around and listen to my death rattles?
Bill Leon: I’ll read them when I get home.
Oberst: Mediocre Bill, MEDIOCRE!
Henry: Yes Ken, yes I will. One should not have to shoulder this burden alone
Oberst: Alright… I’m pressing play…. in 5
Production logo of a Scots Piper failing to blow.
Here’s the Shirley Bassey song you warned us about.
Already the animation is… worrying.
They just rhymed “To the end” with “Serve and protect”.
Sean Connery is the Executive Producer. AKA: elder abuse, someone convinced him to fund this movie.
Henry: It’s Scotland’s first animated film. I think the poor fool did it out of patriotism.
Oberst: The opening narration… Connery sounds gaunt. He sounds… sickly
Henry: Almost makes me root for the Englishmen in Braveheart. Think of the horrors the Scottish animation industry may have wrought if William Wallace had gone unchecked.
Oberst: Or, God forbid, if Scotland separated from the UK?
Henry: I’m convinced the reason the vote for Scotland’s independence failed is because Sir Billi made them realize they weren’t ready for this real country shit. Think of the same minds trying to build a bridge, or design a system of taxation.
Fires… fires everywhere.
Oberst: What the fuck is that… thing?
what the fuck is that
Is that supposed to be a rabbit? Or is that the Pookah that Jimmy Stewart warned us about?
Henry: This is not only the first time you’ll wonder what the fuck you’re looking at. There will be more.
Oberst: HOWARD THE DUCK
HOWARD THE FUCKING DUCK
Henry: Female. Texan?
Oberst: A female duck
Henry: …which will disappear from the plot for 60 of the next 70 minutes.
Oberst: No Beavers allowed?
Henry: The beavers… oh god, the beavers.
Oberst: Sharon Osbourne on a Vespa. And Sean Connery appears. He’s about to boil that cow to death, I know it.
What the shit
what the shit
What is the Krampus doing in his house?
Alan Cumming is the Krampus.
And he just pissed himself.
Henry: As did the entire Scottish film industry.
Oberst: That’s not a joke, they just introduced Alan Cumming the Krampus, and all he does in the scene is piss himself.
Oh great, I was worried that this movie wouldn’t have an annoying pre-teen.
I was even more worried that the pre-teen wouldn’t be Connery’s sidekick.
So far I’m getting everything I wanted.
Henry: Did you mention said pre-teen looks like Jimmy Neutron got half his skull caved in by a milking accident?
“Touched”, that boy is.
Oberst: The pretty girl has arrived, and she has realistic boob physics. I suddenly wonder how many man hours were spent on that rather than say…. literally everything else.
Henry: By “pretty”, you mean the same cow that gave lil Jimmy a lifetime pass on the shortbus rolled over her face, right?
Oberst: Why did the rabbit family just tie the beaver to a log and send it down a cliff face?
And why is Opera playing in the background?
Also, why do all the animals wear Jumpsuits like Russian gangsters?
Henry: So many questions.
Mine- why are the rabbits so superhumanly ugly?
And why does the beaver’s voice sound like that?
And why does she never stop screaming?
Or is that me? Is it me who is screaming?
Oberst: Oh god.
They’re even more horrifying when they’re wet.
Also, I’m pretty sure Alan Cumming Krampus and Sir Billi are fucking.
Because he just called him “My Knight” and gave a knowing glance.
Henry: Interspecies fucking on a grand level explains a lot about this movie.
Like why God hates it so.
Oberst: It also explains a lot about the Scottish
Henry: Scottish people, if you ever read this, just know that there is a great deal I appreciate about your culture and history, including my own Scottish heritage.
But Sir Billi blots out those good feelings like a solar eclipse.
Made of haggis.
Oberst: To all Scottish people reading this. I love your Whisky. But the batch you drank before putting this together… must have been tainted.
Henry: By botulism and goat piss.
Oberst: And the police cops are also very much fucking. I was convinced by the line about “If my wife finds out I’m with you…”
Howard the duck just appeared again and now she’s gone.
I think we all really deserve an answer about these tracksuits.
Was this to prevent showing the naughty bits of the Animals?
God no, don’t zoom in on the rabbbit’s face again. The sight is too horrible.
Sean Connery: “I’ve got something here in my pocket that’ll numb the pain.”
I hope it’s a fucking handgun.
Henry: You can’t make animation this ugly by accident. A human being spent hours rendering that thing.
Deeply, deeply disturbing.
Oberst: Alan Cumming really tries hard in the worst of movies.
Wait what? So the rescue helicopter was throw off course by Female Howard the Duck.
Causing “Bessie” the Beaver to fall into the dam.
…and CONTINUE FUCKING SCREAMING.
Why does she keep screaming?
Henry: To drill a hole a hole deep, deep into your subconscious.
And deposit a tiny beaver pellet there.
Oberst: “I can’t function without my Wee Man”- Sean Connery talking about Alan Cumming Krampus.
Henry: … where it will rot you away from the inside.
Oberst: Russian Submarine?
Is this a movie, or is this a dream?
Henry: Too easy answer: a nightmare.
But why am I in it too?
Oberst: They can’t…
Why is Female Howard the duck in this movie?
Why was there a Hunt for Red October reference?
Why is… this moive?
Why is this movie?
Henry: The questions Alan Cumming Krampus wants you to ask in the deep, dark recesses of your soul.
Despair, all ye who enter here.
Oberst: Wait what?
Ok, so first they said Alan Cumming Krampus is dead. then the butler says “Are you sure he’s only fainted?”
Nobody ever said he fainted.
Hard cut to sad music montage of Sean Connery training the Krampus to speak and run up steps like in Rocky and play frisbee and Singing in the Rain and Casablanca and then Female Howard the Duck flies by again and is playing “Ride of the Valkyries”, and throwing a bottle of… something that is caught by Sir Billi’s retarded son.
And then the goat is alive because he drank from the bottle of whatever.
And The Russian Submarine Captain gave the beaver to the police officer.
And we hard cut to a 90s racing game.
Sir Billi is driving an Aston Martin DB5.
Apparently attacking police is not illegal in Scotland?
Henry: Nope. Well known fact.
And Sean Connery is skateboarding.
And his parachute is the Scottish independence flag.
So the Animal Control Policeman is being arrested because apparently the laws he is enforcing are not convenient to the plot resolving?
And that FUCKING beaver is still crying.
WHY is Female Howard the Duck in this movie?
Now a Chris Rock impersonator’s talking about a beaver who stole his balls.
Henry: Because balls can mean two things, dontcha know?
Oberst: They could, if there was a joke in there somewhere that I missed.
Alan Cumming is going to sing isn’t he?
No, it’s Shirley Bassey again.
Henry: Shirley Bassey was the grotesque New Jersey caricature all along!
Oberst: Who looks like Sharon Osbourne for some reason
Henry: Sharon Osbourne fucked the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
Oberst: This is the most awkwardly choreographed dance party ever.
Directed by Sascha Hartman. I wouldn’t go advertising this on your resume, Sascha.
The ending credits music is a Smooth Jazz version of “Auld Lang Syne”.
Cause why not?
Henry: Yeah, Sascha and her… sister (?) wrote and directed this.
And nothing else. Ever. Connery’s nieces? Blackmailers?
Henry: So Oberst, final thoughts?
Or does that face melting scene sum it up?
As bad as I told ya?
Henry: Yesssss. Now you see.
Henry: You have seen it.
You have gazed upon its visage and survived.
You are among the elite now, Oberst.
And that is my closing statement.