Take a Drink: for every C-Z list celebrity cameo
Take Two: if it’s Today Show-related
Take a Drink: for each chainsaw kill
Take a Drink: for blatant product placement
Take a Drink: for every heroic montage/slo-mo moment
Do a Shot: Goddam, Penn & Teller look old
Do a Shot: *swallows*… *tugs collar*… Jared Fogle
By: Henry J. Fromage (Six Pack) –
Just like a herpes sore which nonetheless is a reminder of a pretty enjoyable night out, the Sharknado franchise is back again, right on schedule.
The capacity of the English language for beauty is immense
Sharknado 3 finds Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering) in Washington D.C. to receive a medal from President Mark Cuban while his now pregnant and chainsaw-handed wife (Tara Reid) and daughter (not gonna bother looking it up) vacation in product placement-friendly Universal Studios Orlando. You guessed it- Sharknados all along the surprisingly geographically compact East Coast of the God Blessed States of America.
Well, Syfy finally hired a DP- 3 of ’em, in fact! Precisely one actor gives a credible performance- Kellita Smith, playing an air base guard who can’t believe any of this shit. And yes, Sharknado 3 follows the same goofy, “throw everything at the wall and don’t give a fuck what sticks” approach as its predecessor.
Some have to.
Mo money, same problems. The script and direction are truly lazy, the former a half-baked molten pile of cliched dialogue, stitched together cheapo setpieces, and fitfully amusing inanity, and the latter pretty much the same mix of slapdash editing and Lost in Space-level special effects that look like an embezzling investigation waiting to happen.
“This was literally shot in space.”
Tara Reid’s a lead, so the acting… you know. Weirder are the cameos, which range from President Mark Cuban and VP Anne Coulter to Penn & Teller to Anthony Weiner (?) to, err, Jared Fogle. The throughline between them seems to be bullshittery, tired controversy, and a lack of moral compunctions. Why any of them consented to be in this is the true mystery, and embarrassment is their just reward.
Weiner is literally just… present. I’m not even sure he gets a line.
Watching the extras is more fun, and gives viewers a glimpse into how strange, desperate, and plastic a place the underbelly of Hollywood must be. These people would probably literally take a life to be Tara Reid. Sarah McLachlan needs to make a commercial for these sad, bleach blonde, overtanned, leathery, dangerously skinny, and 10-40% silicone souls (either sex).
The corporations are even more transparently scrabbling for relevance. There’s so much lazily (this word keeps coming up, eh?) shoehorned product placement in this, no other drinking game is necessary or even medically advisable.
How to spot a company (or two) with no conception of culture
What really ties together the awful is how Anthony C. Ferrante and Co. try so hard, and fail even harder, to come off as self aware. You can’t announce your intentions to turn in a shoddy product and claim later that “I told you so!” Or, worse, maybe you can.
I’m not gonna lie- I got some solid laughs out of the more bizarrely random moments (the baby!). Still, the franchise has run its course- time to let it die.