Take a Drink: whenever Santa slays, obviously
Take a Drink: whenever Santa takes off his hat
Take a Drink: for each new piece of mythology
Take a Drink: for puns
Take a Drink: for each surprising profanity
Take a Drink: for each ironic Christmas song
Do a Shot: when shit gets…
By: Henry J. Fromage (Three Beers) –
This time of year, we’re inundated with a deluge of rosy-cheeked, jelly-bellied bearded serial home invaders plastered on every available surface from Candy Wrappers to underwear (so… candy wrappers). This jolly bastard is so ubiquitous that it’s easy to forget his true purpose.
Selling Coca-Cola in the creepiest way possible.
Santa’s Slay saves Commercial Christmas (real Christmas is in October or something) even better than 100 Talking Points-wielding Hollywood hypocrites. It gets to the true heart of what Santa Claus, pagan avatar co-opted for sugar water sales, is all about.
Namely, kicking ass.
Professional wrestler Bill Goldberg plays a homicidal, Terminator-style Old Saint Nick. What the fuck more do you need?
This. All fuckin’ day, this!
Okay, Claire from Lost, the dweeby son from Big Love, and Robert Culp doing his best Christopher Lloyd impersonation are the nominal good guys, saving humanity from Santa’s heavy metal takeover of their town, and all Earth, probably. There’s also a white reinbuffalo that pulls Sinter Klaus’s hell-sleigh, gift-wrapped grenades, gory practical effects-sportin’ deaths aplenty, fake tits, dirty Grandmas, magic curling… just watch the damn thing already.
This was not written by Pulitzer Prize-winners, and I’m okay with that. Still, most of the humor is cheesier than Bruce Villanch’s filthiest dreams. There really are more Christmas-related puns than are medically advisable, and there’s not a few Jewish jokes which are so lunkheaded I don’t even think they qualify as racist.
He’s just remembering what the Hebrew Hammer did to Andy Dick
Haha, what’s his name? Corky Romano! Yeah, he’s in it for like two minutes, alongside James freakin’ Caan in what may be the lowlight of his career.
And that’s saying something.
This is the only representation of Santa Claus I’ll ever show my kids. I’m going to have fucking awesome kids.
Last Call: Stick around to get the stinkeye from Goldberg.