The Bachelor (2018): Season 22, Episode 2
A mansion packed with lithe young women. A manly man, being manly, revving the engine of his slick motorcycle. They are miles apart, yet yearning for the same thing – to get into each other’s pants – eternal love. Will the distance close between confirmed bachelor Arie Luyendyk Jr. and one lucky lady? I tuned in, so you don’t have to!
*(Programming note: I was caught in Southern California during the mudslide and was without internet this week. Normally you can count on these recaps being up Tuesday, after the show airs on Monday. )
Arie sits on a hill, his face warmed by the California sun, as he prepares to swoop down from a mountain and into the hearts of America. Meanwhile, the ladies are screaming as if they are about to see The Beatles, even though “their man” is nowhere in sight. Chris Harrison materializes with a dire warning, “You seem happy now. But I know from experience it won’t last.” Um… thanks?
With that comforting line, Arie rolls up to the shared home and strolls into the living room. More high-pitched screaming ensues. Jenna says, “Arie makes me lose my words,” even as she’s literally saying words. A date card is handed out. Everyone is assuming it will contain a group activity. But no! It is a solo outing for Becca K. with the cryptic message, “Hold on tight!”
Guess what, folks? The producers didn’t rent that motorcycle for the hell of it – that date includes a ride! Becca clutches Arie, shouting in his ear as they zip down the highway (of love). Meanwhile, back at the house, Krystal says, “I’m really glad I didn’t have to get on that bike. My dad was in a horrible motorcycle accident,” as she proceeds to list all the body parts that can be mangled when one takes a high-speed spill. Fun!
Krystal seems like a good time! [Photo Credit]
Boy, does Arie have a day in store for Becca, including getting styled by human lollipop Rachel Zoe! A rack of dresses is rolled out. Champagne appears. Arie says, “I’m going to sit back and enjoy.” Settle down, Richard Gere – this isn’t Pretty Woman. She tries on several outfits and looks stunning in them all. Arie magnanimously says, “You don’t have to choose – they’re all for you!” But wait – there’s more. She’s got to have shoes to go with those fancy frocks. Arie produces a box containing bejeweled Louboutins. Is it too much? It’s not! It’s the man strolling over the hill with a tray of diamonds for her to choose from that puts this shizz over the top. (“Neil Lane sends his regards,” is my new favorite sentence.) Becca can now comfortably sneak into the next Kardashian photo shoot and blend in perfectly. Arie says, “I thought it would be fun to spoil you because it wouldn’t fall on deaf ears.” I don’t know how he ascertained such a quality simply from Becca’s limo exit, but damn, she did something right.
How ya like me now? [Photo Credit]
Meanwhile… the girls are chattering like nervous birds before a storm. What are they doing? Where are they? When will I get MY turn? Are his lips really like pillows? are all muttered in hushed tones before Becca appears on the landing, holding her pile of bling. They pretend to be happy for her, but as soon as she leaves the room, Bibiana wails, “Oh, my god – they’re going to get married!” Yep, it’s the second episode and it’s already game over.
But we must press on, because this show has airtime to fill until March! Another date card appears. Surely this is the group date! But no, a singular name is read. It’s Krystal’s turn for a one on one, with the note, “Home is where the heart is.” She meets Arie on a tarmac. They are flying on a private jet to Scottsdale where, you guessed it, Arie resides! Somehow this has suddenly turned into hometowns and Bachelor Nation explodes on Twitter. It’s too soon! What is happening? Most of us surmise that: (1.) Arie forgot something at his house and convinced Chris to let him go fetch it. (2.) He has a lucrative real estate deal to close in Arizona. After all, he needs some chingle chingle to pay for that date he just took Becca on!
Krystal couldn’t care less what the reasoning is behind this mega-fast-forward move, for she is, “Smitten as a kitten.” God, I hate her and her breathy baby voice. She rasps, “This must be really meaningful for him.” For him to take you to his home? Yes, it’s safe to assume there’s meaning behind the gesture.
Were you thinking Arie whisked Krystal away to get to know her better? Quite the opposite, my friend! Krystal barely says a word (thank god) as Arie takes her on a tour of his high school (Why? He’s 36-years old!) and also drives by the Pizza Hut where he used to work as a teen before taking her home to watch videos of his childhood. Then they are off to meet his parents. Naturally, as this is what you do when you’ve known someone for all of 5 minutes. It’s as awkward as it sounds, with stilted conversation as they struggle to find something to say to one another.
Hot date! [Photo Credit]
Night falls. They are now back in California. He takes her to the iconic Bradbury Building (where a portion of the original Blade Runner was filmed) in downtown L.A. It is here that Arie finally asks Krystal a question about herself. Krystal reveals a convoluted, albeit sad, story about her homeless brother and how painful it is to have no one. Arie says, “That’s okay. I have friends who’ve also had rough upbringings.” Well, I don’t know about you, but I certainly feel better! (Personally I’m distracted, for now all I want in life is a Blade Runner/Bachelor mashup.)
After baring her soul, it’s time for Krystal and Arie to sway to the requisite, “We’re alone in a ballroom getting serenaded by a stranger” portion of the show. The unknown artist is Connor Duermit. Who is he? I have no idea; I refuse to Google him.
Yet another card is revealed and this time it really is for the group date! Fifteen names are read. They are: Bekah, Jenny, Jenna, Bibiana, Chelsea, Tia, Annaliese, Seinne, Brittany, Marikh, Maquel, Valerie, Lauren G., Kendall, and Caroline.
Surprise – this outing will involve cars! It is a Demolition Derby! Arie wants to see who will have fun with this activity, who will take it in stride, and who will break down. Annaliese outs herself as the weakest of the pack when she starts wailing in fear over the challenge. The reason? She has Bumper Car Trauma lodged deep in her psyche from an incident when she was a child. You see, one time she drove a bumper car where others then bumped into her, and she never felt so alone! All I can think is, “Bitch, that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.” Unlike her, I know I am not alone. (Even sensitive Arie has to struggle to keep the smirk off his face.) Seriously – I am simultaneously offended that this is her version of adversity, and jealous that this is her reality. Imagine the privilege!
Mr. Harrison shows up to narrate the action. He sneaks in a dig at the bachelor, asking, “Will this be the first time Arie wins something on the track?” Sick burn, dude!
After the weep-fest, Annaliese proceeds to repeatedly plow into the other cars, proving herself to be fierce competition. Was it reverse psychology? I’m not sure she’s that clever. Regardless, the ruse is for naught. Seinne wins, with Tia coming in second.
I’m getting a serious Tom Cruise “Days of Thunder” vibe here… [Photo Credit]
Now it’s time for the Demolition Derby After Party! Of course it’s Chelsea who nabs him first (per the producer’s request). She reveals that she has a 3-year old son. Arie doesn’t run for the hills, so Chelsea takes that to mean they’re getting serious. Whatever helps you sleep at night, Chels. Arie tells her that he actually lived with a woman who has two kids, but it didn’t work out. Good to know that that relationship failed, otherwise it would be really awkward for you to be the lead on this program right now.
Seinne gets to spend time with Arie next. She tells him she’s a Yale grad who has traveled the world and speaks four languages. Arie says, “I barely graduated high school and I worked at Pizza Hut.” But the patriarchy is solidly in his court, so it’s Luyendyk Jr. who is the millionaire and it’s this hardworking beauty that must compete for his heart. No wonder white men are hanging onto to the old guard with all their evil might.
Meanwhile, Bibiana fumes in the background. She’s already earned her spot as the most quotable when she accuses Chelsea of “the old Snagaroo” where her “patience has been trialed.” But she bounces back by counseling herself, “to be patient, to the point of rage.”
Bekah then grabs Arie and they head out front for one of Arie’s patented “deep, slow” smooches. It is way too intimate, and uncomfortable to watch. Bekah, wearing an animal pelt, tells Arie she, “must always be wrapped in fur.” Arie lets out a nervous, knowing laugh and I am left to assume this is some sort of euphemism for pubic hair? But that doesn’t make sense! She’s a millennial and those gals get waxed “down there” practically from birth. Wait! Is she talking about his hairy package? (I assume he manscapes, but I’m not sure if he goes as far as to wax his balls.) Or could it be as simple as needing to be swathed in a dead animal at all times? So many (mainly inappropriate) questions. Well, let’s table this discussion for now. I’ll leave you with this – those two are gonna Netflix and chill before he sends her packing for sure.
We are so gonna get busy later! [Photo Credit]
It’s time to hand out a date rose. He gives Chelsea a shout-out, but then spins away to present the flower to Seinne, who graciously accepts. It’s clear he’s got to keep Chelsea for narrative’s sake, even though he doesn’t want her. She’s a brat, so it’s hard to feel too bad for her. Bibiana continues with the crazy dagger eyes.
Now we’re back at the mansion for the cocktail party preceding the rose ceremony. Arie seeks out Brittany first because she apparently got injured at the Derby and he wants to make sure she’s okay. He then presents her with the “Most Hardcore Award.” Because nothing says, “I care,” like a fake diploma with a gold star from an arts and crafts store!
Krystal brags about having a rose. She doesn’t need the time after her lengthy one on one date, but it doesn’t stop her from interrupting three other women to get another moment alone with Arie. Not only does this rightfully piss off the ladies, but one can watch the light die in Arie’s eyes as Krystal goes from “playful blonde” to “clingy bunny boiler.” I was thinking Chelsea was the villain of the season, but Krystal definitely seems to be vying for the title!
Lauren B. (who was one of only four women not on a 1:1 or group date) is one of the women Krystal horns in on. That’s really rude – girlfriend deserves a minute! The other lady she cuts off is Bibiana and holy shit, is that ever a mistake! Bibiana gives her the dressing down of a lifetime. I swear she says Krystal just “dug a big asshole” for herself before ending with, “If I get eliminated, you’d better sleep with one eye open.” Krystal tries to defend herself, but Bibiana says, “Nope. Mic drop.” Bad for Krystal. Good for us.
Bye, bitch! [Photo Credit]
Sound the alarms – it’s rose ceremony time! Becca K., Krystal, and Seinne are all “safe.” The next names to be called are: Maquel, Jacqueline, Bekah, Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S., Tia, Annaliese, Lauren B., Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, and – lucky for Krystal and her eyes – Bibiana. Krystal shall remain shank-free… for now.
And the gals who are leaving this week include: Valerie, Lauren G., and Jenny, who claims she’s never been broken up with before. She’s weeping in the foyer. Arie comes to check on her. She says, “I’m not crying over you. I’m crying because I have to leave my friends,” making her the first contestant in Bachelor history who did go there to make friends! Take that, Courtney Robertson!
The end scene includes Arie and Kendall in a lively discussion about taxidermy. She presents him with a “pickled” rat and a seal that’s falling apart because it’s “vintage.” She claims she’s never killed anything. I’m not sure I believe her. (Come on, when do you ever come across a dead seal that’s in the perfect state of decomposition – pliable enough for taxidermy, but not too ripe? Odds are slim! I’m not calling her a serial seal killer. But I’m not not calling her one either.) Until next week, my patient friends!
The Bachelor (2018): Season 22, Episode 2 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time the group is deflated when they don’t get called for a date.
Take a Drink: every time Arie talks about himself.
Take a Drink: every time Arie makes out with a contestant.
Take a Drink: every time Krystal offends someone.
Do a Shot: for Bumper Car Trauma!