Rio 2 (2014)

By: Felix Felicis (Three Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Once Upon A Time… In a land far, far away there lived a wizard, and that wizard looked into the eyes of children and said “I give unto thee the same regurgitated crap over and over again because you little bastards won’t have a fucking clue as long as it’s LOUD and SHINY (surprisingly also applicable towards drunk people)… Amen.” That wizard may have been stoned… Cards on the table, he also might’ve had Tourette’s. Don’t get me wrong, Rio 2 was cute and fluffy and wrapped in unicorn farts and everything you could’ve hoped for and more in an ode to animated song-and-dancery; I’m just saying there’ve been fresher whores on the block.

prettywoman
Never kiss on the lips… I learned all my swag from Julia Roberts, y’all.

Rio 2 follows the continued adventures of Blu (voiced by Jesse Eisenberg), Jewel (voiced by Anne Hathaway) and Co. as they take their brood on a National Lampoon’s Vacation deep into the heart of the Amazon in search of relatives and their own wild spirit. Will they save the jungle from the evil doing of evily-evildoers? Will Blu butch up and prove that fanny packs are the new black? Will we ever prove Sasquatch is real?

YOU GUYS I FOUND HI- Oh, wait. That’s a pic of me from last weekend…
YOU GUYS I FOUND HI- Oh, wait. That’s a pic of me from last weekend…

A Toast

3D cash-grab aside, Rio 2 was an entertaining, family-friendly, mildly diverting way to spend a couple hours if your masturbating hand gets fatigued after a Skinemax marathon. Allegedly. Writing for a friend. It was visually what happens nine months after LSD and Pot get white-girl-wasted and anger-bang raw-dog. If you’re even SLIGHTLY high *cough* dude to my left, that Axe body spray isn’t fooling ANYONE *cough* then this is the film for you! With a smorgasbord of audio/visual stimuli, both children and stoners alike (a surprisingly similar demographic) will be delighted by this animated gem.

More like TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA STONERS, amirite? Guys? Guys, where are y'all going?
More like TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA STONERS, amirite? Guys? Guys, where are y’all going?

And speaking of audio, the voice talent in Rio 2, from Anne Hathaway’s “Jewel” to Jesse Eisenberg’s “Blu” and Kristen Chenoweth’s “Gabi” were spot-on in this Fiesta del Flight. If you pay attention to anything, watch the shit out of Chenoweth’s dynamic solo song. The musical numbers, while somewhat predictable, are engaging, and, even with the fair amount of dialogue dumbassery we had to wade through, only made me want to light myself on fire once or twice… So, you know, using the extra-special give-a-fuck-o-scope by which I judge animated films, Rio 2 is a step above winning a free McMuffin in your office raffle and one below that time you convinced a hobo to lick your roommate’s face in Safeway I TOLD YOU TO LEGGO MY EGGO SCOTT NOW WHO’S THE BITCH, BITCH! But I digress.

mcmuff
Put the McMuffin in my mouth and back away slowly…

Beer Two

I’m not saying I have a bone to pick with 3D, I’m just saying that just because you CAN do something doesn’t mean you SHOULD and this includes:

*Challenging Chuck Norris to a slap-fight

*Trying to eat your body-weight in burritos

*Listening to One Direction/Justin Bieber/Miley Cyrus

*Thinking “One More Shot Won’t Hurt”

*Waking up next to that vegan you banged after he bought you shots

*Making a list of shit that’s half-true

ONE DIRECTION IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.
ONE DIRECTION IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.

There’s little-to-no reward in forking over the extra cash to see Rio 2 in 3D, Boozers, so save your money and splurge on that double-sided dildo we both know you’ve been eyeballing on Adam&Eve.com. Trust me. WORTH IT. The film largely relies on the Ye Olde Shit Flies In Your Face Once In Awhile Oh Wasn’t That Cool?!? gag. If I wanted something shoved in my face without invitation all the time, I’d be in a relationship. *drops mike* *cartwheels into Beer Three*

Add "Shame-Based Hot Pocket Binge Eating" and that's pretty much dead-on.
Add “Shame-Based Hot Pocket Binge-Eating” and that’s pretty much dead-on.

Beer Three

Thematically, and scripturally, Rio 2 lacked creativity on par with anything Nicki Minaj has ever done; I’m including breathing. It’s a dash of Pocahontas with a pinch of Romeo and Juliet and a dollop of Meet the Fockers. It’s a paint-by-numbers masterpiece of Frankensteined concepts that even Bob Ross, the Original Gangster himself, would take a hard pass on. The saving grace in Rio 2 is the charming, if predictable, characters and the surprisingly catchy tunes. Even my pre-show boxed-wine buzz couldn’t etch-a-sketch this scriptural asshattery from my brain:

“Happy wife, happy life.”-Several Characters

And

“Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?”-Nigel

And

“Polly wanna cracker?”-Julio

And

“Birds of a blue feather, have to flock together.”-Several Characters

Pirates are just hipsters who sprained an eyeball rolling them.

I mean, letting sitcom writers chained in your mom’s basement participate in a work-release program from the 90’s is sweet… But for fuck’s sake WHO LET THEM OFF LEASH AT THE PARK?! If Rio 2 missed a thematic or dialogic cliché, it’s only because the writers were doing rails of cocaine off of Rosanne’s ass while the Fresh Prince of Bel Air rapped about how “Parent’s Just Don’t Understand” after Blossom got her first period/kiss/pregnancy scare as Clarissa Explained It All to a Full House.

I get it, bro, I was confused by my first period, too.

Verdict

3beers

Rio 2 is the perfect one-night-stand; just entertaining enough to have a good time but double-bag that shit ‘cause you’re not taking this one home to mom. Two family-friendly nipples pointed, mostly, up.

Condoms... Because kids are harder to throw away.
Condoms… Because kids are harder to throw away.

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever there’s a musical number. Bonus Shot: group ensemble.

Do a Shot: for every scene change using a map.

Take a Drink: anytime there’s a Shakespeare and/or Romeo and Juliet reference.

Take a Drink: whenever birds use human technology/techniques.

Bonus 3D Shot: every time shit pops out at your face.

Shotgun a Beer: for the Showdown at the Fern Gully Corral.

About Felix Felicis

Filled with smart-assed sass and armed with the expletives to prove it, Felix Felicis is a critic adrift in a sea of dirty thoughts and tawdry humor. If you see her float by, toss Felix some beef jerky and a taser. She'll take it from there.

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