The Quiet Ones (2014)

quietposterBy: Hawk Ripjaw (Five Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Science, baby! Professor Joseph (Professor Moriarty) is attempting an experiment that draws out a spirit. That’s right, kids! Just like The Apparition! While this one is less like Tinkerbell (believing really hard) and more like just using “science” and Kelsey ElectroGrammar-O-Matics with the only explanation being that “the negative energy makes the needle move,” it still sounds pretty stupid. Anyway, Joseph hires a shy cameraman named Brian (Sam Claflin, shockingly buff until you remember he is in The Funger Games) to accompany his assistants Krissi (Erin Richards) and Harry (who gives a fuck who plays him) to a creepy old house (is there any other kind?) to study a young girl named Jane (Olivia Cooke) who is DEFINITELY NOT POSSESSED, SERIOUSLY and keeps talking about a girl named Evie who lives inside her. She’s not possessed. Evie makes bad things happen around the house, but is not possessing Jane. Joseph is sure of it, and he’s a Professor so shut your mouth or he’ll punch you.

Brian falls in love with Jane almost immediately, because of course he does, and also proves that even in the 70s people can’t put the camera down and just run. Lots of crazy shit happens that Brian gets on film, and none of it is even a little bit interesting or scary. Over and over, the characters try to summon Evie, while Evie does whatever works best for the plot of the film. Finally, all hell kind of breaks loose. Kind of.

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A Toast

OK, so the acting was all right across the board. The students felt pretty natural, Lane Pryce was great as always, and Olivia Cooke was surprisingly effective as a girl who was possibly definitely not possessed.

Also, it was only about an hour and 40 minutes, so while it felt longer, it was really not all that much time out of my life.

Beer Two

Do you like jump scares? I hope you do, because there are more of them here than there are times I’ve been told I dress like an asshole (that’s a lot). They aren’t even the good ones, either; nothing earned, nothing even remotely “scary.” I shit you not, one of the first jump scares is during an interview video where a pipe in the room explodes. Just talking then BLAOW! SCREAMING! YELLING! There are crashes here and there, so cheaply executed it’s actually infuriating when they get you. A kid being filmed during an experiment. WHY NOT HAVE A FUCKING CHANDELIER FALL RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA?

90% of the jump scares are shitty ones, too–like Joseph accidentally kicking something in the dark (that “something” apparently being three fucking metric tons of silverware based on the racket it made), or someone being on fire followed by a demonic face rushing at the camera–seriously? My face almost broke with the number of times I rolled my eyes.

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Beer Three

And that’s all of the “scary” the movie has. There’s no fear here at all, unless you count my butthole almost exploding from needing to poop and me worried if I’d be able to make it through the film without my colon blowing out of my right hip.

The most tense I got was my penis while wondering how short the shorts would be on Erin Richards’ next costume change. So make this beer a really tasty one, I guess.

Beer Four

“She needs food and rest! Even God rested on the seventh day!”
“Hmm…interesting.”

This is an actual exchange in the movie. The dialogue is completely awful, with one of the best/worst lines being from Jane: “Were you expecting my head to spin around?” The title The Quiet Ones is not a reference to the ghosts, a cult, or really anything similar. It’s Joseph and his team. They’re called “The Quiet Ones” because they don’t talk about the experiment. Spooooooooky, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight?????

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In fact, all of the writing is terrible, particularly the characters. In my trailer review I mentioned that Moriarty is playing “a kindly professor.” That could not be further from the truth. He’s banging both of the female characters, punches people more regularly than you would expect someone from Oxford to do, and has an accent (surefire evil sign, folks). Well, not evil, really. He’s just a major dick. Everyone else is banging each other, except for David who gets like three opportunities for some possessed lady poontang and cockblocks himself every time. The two students are pricks and don’t get anything to do, and David is just kind of annoying and naïve.

And that scene in the trailer where that red tendril thing shoots out of Jane’s mouth? That happens less than halfway into the movie, and is never mentioned again. Brian completely forgets to consider it when trying to prove the whole thing is a hoax on Joseph’s part, and STILL Joseph doesn’t think it’s a sign of possession. It’s never factored into the plot again. And of course, there’s also the pair of “plot twists,” which the movie just kind of shits out without really playing them up or making them have any sort of discernible weight.

Really, the best sentence to come out of the movie is the tagline, which is of course played completely seriously yet impossible to take seriously: “Something unspeakable is happening to Jane Harper.” Get it?

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Beer Five

It is BORING. So fucking boring. Almost nothing happens in the movie at all as it lazes from one scene to the next with little consequence or plot-advancement. With the first major scene shift I checked my watch and realized with horror that I had only been sitting in the theaters for 45 minutes. It was worse than going on a date, but that might be because most dates I go on aren’t dates and are me watching Batman and masturbating.

At least there are some funny parts, one of the best being Brian trying to explain to Harry and Krissy that it’s all fake. He grabs the doll, which is apparently a voodoo doll because why the hell not, and stabs it in the stomach. Suddenly, we hear intense screaming from upstairs. Guess what happened? And don’t even get me started on the tacked-on ending.

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Verdict

5Beers1-300x102

The Quiet Ones? More like….the…The Dumb Ones. Yeah, that’s right. Fuck you, movie. It’s not nearly as bad as The Apparition, but it’s also not as hilarious, either. So honestly, you’d be better served by watching the former if only to chuckle at the stupidity. This one is just plain bad.

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Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every jump scare.

Do a Shot: every time someone gets punched.

Take a Drink: each time Joseph is a dick to someone.

Take a Drink: for every time the characters act stupidly.

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