Primates of the Caribbean (2012)

By: Mother Clicker (Six Pack) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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We have a weekly movie night with the kids (ages 10 and 6). We are running out of things we can all watch together (or at least agree on). Usually something animated will get an “ok” all around. I am not asking my kids to help me with this, because in all honestly they have some shit taste in movies. They like everything we watch… 5 stars all around!  I think it has more to do with the soda and candy we give them than what we watch.

Hitting a lull in movie choices, we turned to Primates of the Caribbean (2012), rated PG. In this world we have an island of monkeys, with our Hero, Marco, being a beach patrol guard. He makes sure no one litters or misuses the beach, and reports all strange things to the President. A friendly monkey, Carlo, shows up with his casino to help the island. This “help” turns into a takeover of the island and mind control of the inhabitants. It is up to Marco and some misfit pirates to save the day.

A Toast

What the hell is the title of this thing? I’m trying to do a little research for this review (to look all smart and shit). I go to Netflix to find some images to truly show the crap I had to endure for the love of my children, and I don’t find Primates of the Caribbean like I got at my local Family Video, but instead I find Primates of the Seven Seas.

PrimatesCollage

If that isn’t enough, I start rewatching this damn thing called Primates of the Sevens Seas and see this. Seriously, this should be two beers just for the confusion and headache I feel coming on.TwoNames
Beer Two

I may be a nitpicker, but I hate when the mouth movements don’t match the words. It drives me nuts! I hate dubbing. I will take subtitles any day. This beer may not be completely the fault of the video I watched. While looking on IMDb I saw that this was originally called  “Marco Macaco” and from Denmark so is this dubbing I’m experiencing instead of poor animation? I don’t know, but since they didn’t tell me it’s another beer! Besides, when I searched IMDb I got this. How many names can one crappy little movie have?
MarcoMacaco
Beer Three

You would think an island full of monkeys would be funny. I mean, come on, the potential for slips on banana peels alone is through the roof. There really wasn’t much that I found funny other than the guard at the President’s house who body searches Marco every single time he shows up.

Beer Four

There is something about this Carlo monkey that creeps me out.

Carlo

The others, like Marco and Lulu, aren’t nearly as creepy as this thing.

MarcoLulu
Beer Five

Besides the funny part I assumed this was a pirate movie. I guess the whole title sounding just like “Pirates of the Caribbean” will do that. They did show up about half way through, and probably would’ve helped this movie if they had been in it from the beginning. Don’t even ask me what you get when you put a monkey with a pig!

pirates
Beer Six

So this Carlo dude starts to laser people’s eyes so they will stay at his casino… okay, fine, but did it have to become some kind of crazy acid trip?

LaserEyesCollage Whatthehell
Verdict

Six Pack

This baby is an easy Six Pack movie event. Between a predictable love story, the bad guy, acid trips, and some pirates it was hodgepodged mess.

 

Drinking Game

Drink a Whole Beer: to prepare for mismatching mouths and speaking.

Take a Drink: each time Marco gets wanded.

Do a Shot: if you wonder where these primates got such a huge arsenal.

Take a Drink: for each primate that goes “tripping”.

Do a Shot: because you’re glad to see the closing credits.

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