Pompeii (2014)

pompeii posterBy: Felix Felicis (Four Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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You win some. You lose some. And others you get blackout drunk and escorted from the premises… From. I’ve made some pretty bad decisions in my life: thinking I could fly after winning Edward Forty Hands, ending up in the ER, dating that guy who asked me out after being concussed, accidentally sleeping with his brother at his dad’s retirement party, thinking I could pull off “jeggings”… I think you know where I’m going with this; watching Pompeii falls somewhere in-between having broccoli in your teeth on a date to buying a ticket on that new cruise ship, Titanic.

Jeggings are why we can't have nice things.
Jeggings are why we can’t have nice things.

Pompeii follows slave and gladiator, Milo, as he fights to save his star-crossed love, Cassia, from an unwanted betrothal to a corrupt Roman senator and total D-Bag, Corvus, in the looming shadow of a super pissy volcano. Will he ever win his freedom from the arena? Will Milo save Cassia from the biggest bitch-slap Mother Nature’s ever handed out? Will parachute pants ever make a comeback?

God I hope so.
God I hope so.

A Toast

In a blatant 3D disaster movie cash-grab box-office BJ, there were a few gems studding this mélange of mediocrity. Kit. Fucking. Harington. That beautiful son of a bitch serves up piping hot abs with a side of dat ass like it’s going out of style (AND VAGINAS OF AMERICA THANK YOUR FOR IT). Harington’s Milo was engaging and, even slogging through the clouds of ash and dialogue dumbassery he was handed, managed to carry the film with depth and gritty charm. Honorable mention to the spectacular Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (and his bromance with Harington) as fellow slave and stoic baddass Atticus; more of that and less of the insipid romantical shartfest and Pompeii might’ve been more than a flash in the disaster pan.

You know bitch has fins for daaaaaays.
You know bitch got fins for daaaaaays.

The fight sequences were choreographed well and absolutely entertaining to watch, not to mention creative PG-13 magic helped slaughter in the arena seem fun and easy! Stab your friend, kids, and he just falls over to take a nap, no blood, no muss, no fuss! It was the shit in between the battle sequences that got this period piece in Justin Bieber, I mean Charlie Sheen, I mean Robin Thicke, I mean trouble.

Are we all in agreement letting Robin Thicke happen was a mistake? Cool.
Are we all in agreement letting Robin Thicke happen was a mistake? Cool.

Beer Two

There was about as much character development in Pompeii as there was in the last porno I watched. No, I take that back, that pizza delivery driver really had a compelling story arc involving too much sausage and where to put it. I laughed, I cried, I rubbed one out and then I ordered pizza (dare to dream). Pompeii was a shallow 3D disaster flick cash grab that glossed over character development, leaving actors to follow the most obvious arcs for no other reason than “just because”. Things that had more depth than Pompeii include: Kim Kardashian, hipsters, colonoscopies, Twinkies, Paris Hilton, watching paint dry, kiddie pools, interpretive mime, Courtney Love, ad infinitum. Save your money and splurge on those assless chaps you’ve been eyeballing.

Don't forget the tip... I'll see myself out.
Don’t forget the tip… I’ll see myself out.

Also of note was the dialogue dumbassery and accent asshattery that took Pompeii from watchable to tolerable. Cards on the table I was  “Am I wearing pants right now?” wasted when viewing this so my recollection of exact quotes is about as accurate as a dollar store pregnancy test, but here we go:

“I have to find Cassia!”-Milo

“I’ll go with you, brother.”-Atticus

“No! You have your freedom, brother, she is mine.”-Milo

And

“For those of us about to die… We salute you!”-Atticus

And

“I’m scared.”-Cassia

“Don’t look at it, look at me, only me.”-Milo

Now imagine these lines delivered by half-stoned Bratz dolls on steroids and you’ll be most of the way to what I had to sit through.

Dawson’s Creek makes so much more sense now.

Beer Three

*look at the volcano*

*fight scene*

*love story*

*look at the volcano*

*fight scene*

*talk about the volcano*

*look at the volcano*

*love story*

*fight scene*

*look at the volcano*

As far as the eye can zzzzzzzzzz...
As far as the eye can zzzzzzzzzz…

Congrats. I just saved you two hours of your life. Much like the Titanic, the results of Pompeii are historical fact. If I know the end of something, you’d better goddamn make sure I enjoy the ride along the way. The pacing in Pompeii was jerky and uneven, bouncing you between disparate storylines like that dead hobo in the back of your trunk on the way to a shallow grave you dug in the desert at dawn. I’ve taken more enjoyable shits.

Tomato/Tohipster
Tomato/Tohipster

Beer Four

This is the first disaster movie where I actually rooted for the disaster. The volcano in Pompeii smoldered at all the right moments, rumbled on cue and blew its load right in your face, spraying you with awesome for a solid finish to a lackluster film. This last beer is for a soundtrack that shoved pomp and circumstance down your throat at every opportunity without backing it up with a foundation of talent. Most notably by casting Kiefer Sutherland as the villain… Kiefer Sutherland is a ruiner. His Senator Corvus was laughably bad, so terrible that shit circled back around to hilarious. But like a sad clown crysturbating to Katy Perry, you just kinda wanted to look away whenever he was onscreen… But, also like a sad clown crysturbating to Katy Perry, you couldn’t take your eyes off that trainwreck of badly accented hissy fittery.

Kiefer Sutherland... Because we were all assholes in a past life and this is our hell.
Kiefer Sutherland… Because we were all assholes in a past life and this is our hell.

Producer 1: 3D, its so hot right now, 3D.

Producer 2: Go on.

Producer 1: Volcanos! Gladiators! Starcrossed Lovers!

Producer 2: You have my attention…

Producer 1: We’ll make so much money you’ll fart hundos in your sleep!

Producer 2: SOLD.

How Pompeii was born.
How Pompeii was born.

Verdict

zzz4beers

Pompeii… Where Romeo and Juliet meets 300 then takes a sharp turn towards Titanic. Mix with a dash of Twilight and shart out results. Two historical nipples moderately entertained.

Something something witty pun.
Something something witty pun.

Drinking Game

Take a Sip: for each scene with a horse in it. Seriously.

Take a Drink: whenever you see or hear about the volcano.

Do a Shot: for every battle scene.

Take a Sip: every time you see a motherfucker get shanked.

Take a Drink: whenever Cassia and Miles eye-fuck the shit out of each other.

Shotgun a Beer: for the largest “Fuck You” by Mother Nature ever… Trust me, you’ll know when.

About Felix Felicis

Filled with smart-assed sass and armed with the expletives to prove it, Felix Felicis is a critic adrift in a sea of dirty thoughts and tawdry humor. If you see her float by, toss Felix some beef jerky and a taser. She'll take it from there.

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