Take a Drink: for “hot” or “unhot”
Take a Drink: for each stereotype
Take a Drink: for every variation of “vagina”
Take a Drink: “baby dick”
Take a Drink: for… Japanese?
Take a Drink: for every second Geoffrey Arend is on screen
Take a Drink: every time the camera rapes somebody
Take a Drink: for every slow-motion walk-up
Do a Shot: for every Frankenboob
Do a Shot: for the dog blowjob
Do a Shot: when Carmen Electra shows up for the tiredest cameo ever
By: Henry J. Fromage (Six Pack) –
Way back in university I decided to watch all of Imdb’s Top 250. While I’ve mostly completed and enjoyed it, it’s a rather pedestrian accomplishment these days. No, the true test of cinephile might is to consume Imb’s Bottom 100.
Also known as The House That Paris Hilton Built
Pledge This! has yoyo’d up and down the rankings a bit, but has never fallen out of the bottom 20. Paris Hilton stars as the president of the fabbest sorority at South Beach University, whose dream is to win “The FHM Hottest Sorority in the Country” contest. Turns out the theme this year is “Diversity”, and unfortunately having a brunette doesn’t count, so she concocts a plan to temporarily induct some “geeks, nerds, and scientists”… uggoes like a beautiful Latina, a beautiful Indian woman, a beautiful black girl, two hicks (?), and Trudy from Reno 911. Oh Noes!
Okay, Kerri Kenney (Trudy) is a not unwelcome face at least. I would also praise the merciful 75 minute runtime, but this fucking thing felt like three hours.
On second thought… this just makes me sad.
It takes less than five minutes for things to get sexist (both ways), racist, and homophobic. That’s no exaggeration… literally five minutes. It’s kind of impressive, really.
Pledge This! clearly only exists to provide 5 dollar bin lottertitty tickets (lottery tittets?) for Walmart, and it certainly obliges with plenty of pointless, indifferently-shot mammaries, sometimes even after the main characters have left the scene. Why this is a beer (besides sexism) is that Pledge This! must have been made by either aliens or virgins. No sex scene even remotely resembles real human sex to an almost (but clearly unintentionally) comic degree.
Speaking of comedy… it’s the lowest, crassest, crudest, most unimaginative you could possibly ask for. This is the kind of movie where a dog blows a guy to completion, then emerges from under the covers with sticky fur while two guys are watching and ecstatically commenting on the action. Pledge This! makes Two and a Half Men look like Peter Sellers and Richard Pryor risen from the dead and delivering a script by Douglas Adams.
That was almost recognizable as a joke. High five!
The production values are as lazy as the comedy. There’s no way this isn’t a film of single takes. It’s lifeless and lazy as hell, from the “who gives a fuck?” camerawork to the Casio soundtrack peppered with the cheapest public domain pop cuts available. Oh yeah, and there’s more shitty sound effects than in an hour-long Crazy Ira and the Douche taping.
Originally intended as her debut, this movie sucks up to Paris Hilton’s bizarre self image to a truly ridiculous extent. In the end, when her character would traditionally get her comeuppance, another sorority girl is revealed to idolize her so much that she dresses up as her, and receives Hilton’s pie to the face. Like literal King Joffrey-style royalty, she literally has a whipping girl to take her punishment… because Paris Hilton doesn’t take pies to the face, she gets the triumphant freeze frame instead.
To show how sexy she is, she teaches a “lecture” on controlling the opposite sex, by delivering a striptease of the professor that is hilariously unsexy. Her moves are significantly more spastic and just a hair sexier than Michael J. Fox in a blonde wig.
Correction: not as sexy.
So… this is where National Lampoon has sunk to. Somewhere John Belushi is crying.