The Perfect Match (2016) Movie Review: If the Birdemic Director and E.L. James Adapted an R&B Video Starring Tommy Wiseau

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time you are reminded that Charlie is likable.

Take a Drink: for each music vid… sex scene.

Do a Shot: when that Halloween Madea trailer BEFORE the movie was actually equal to the movie itself.

Community Review

How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Movie Review

By: Bill Arceneaux (Six Pack) –

Have you ever been so embarrassed for someone that you cover your face with your hand? This is how I experienced The Perfect Match – through the cracks of my fingers or from behind my palm. And it was out of sheer inability to tune out what I was hearing and seeing. Not music, but dialogue. Not imagery, but editing. Not attitude, but unchecked bravado.

The Perfect Match hearkens back to the wondrous midnight movies of the past decade. Films like The Room and Birdemic. It also reminds me of “popular” books, like the aces Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James. If you combined those three and added a generic R&B soundtrack, you’d have The (and A) Perfect Match.

image001

Ok. Maybe not THAT perfect of a match.

A Toast

Charlie Mac is a decent guy. He’s got a good job, good friends, a good house and a good hobby. He’s also a (p)layboy, sleeping with as many women as possible, with no strings attached, as per his infamous rules. When his friends offer him a bet to commit, he immediately meets a woman to which he would like to “tear dat ass up” upon. They sex, he falls for her, gets heartbroken, downward spirals, then comes back up with a lesson learned.

For all its genericness and hip schmaltz, a strong philosophy towards maturity and progressiveness is obvious. And is handled well, surprisingly. Charlie does in fact grow, despite and in spite of the movie, and even strengthens. At its bittersweet then sweet The Shape of Things-esque ending, the proceedings finally connect to make you feel… something.

Beer Two

The proceedings up until that point, however, are a bear to behold. Now, bears are pretty cool to look at and all, but depending on your proximity, can be daunting and dangerous.

Example 1: Quirkiness.

Characters exist in this universe just for Charlie to smile and shake his head at. Like his new age therapist sister, or his hoverboard riding colleague at work. How about clients of his that require spiritual advisors, or the guy that makes juices for him?

image004

Juice from a juicer.

The movie pulls double duty in an effort to emphasize just how good/grounded Charlie is. Hey audience – he’s a relatable protagonist, cause he has wacky friends! You know, like you, probably!

Beer Three

Example 2: Ensemble.

While Charlie is the lead, his close group of friends share enough of the screen time to constitute the movie being theirs as well. Think The Wood but not nearly as good.

Out of his crew, Donald Faison is really the only one giving a performance that makes you smirk. Everyone else are, more or less, just reading terribly overwritten dialogue, and poorly. There’s a wedding happening, a pregnancy being tried, and neither really helps Charlie in his plight. The marriage a little, but only so he can develop a Best Man speech.

His friends? A distraction.

Beers Four, Five and Six

Example 3: Joey Pants and awkward sayings.

Why is Joe Pantoliano here? As Charlie’s boss? Because he looks like an old, white guy. He looks like a hip guy’s boss. Nuff said.

It’s hard for me to recall the lines and line readings, as when I put my hand in front of my face, I burned them out of my memory. But, allow me to try a brief script:

image005

Charlie and Eva, after some lovin’, go to sit on a couch.

Eva

You have any wine?

Charlie

Yes, I do.

Charlie grabs a bottle off screen. He opens it.

Charlie

I got this because it’s used on House of Cards.

Eva’s eyes light up.

Eva

This is what Claire Underwood drinks?

Charlie is surprised.

Charlie

Don’t do this. Nah. Don’t do that thing where you try and connect with me through House of Cards. That’s my jam.

Eva

No, I love it too. I thought it was MY jam!

Charlie

Really?

Charlie smiles greatly. They share a laugh.

That wasn’t TOO bad, but things go and get worse.

Verdict

If I hadn’t been picked to watch it, I wouldn’t have. However, having done so, I can say that being so bad it’s actually kinda entertaining. For being so bad, of course. If you watch with friends, be careful about putting your hand in front of your face – they may try to slap it.

Six Pack

About Bill Arceneaux

Independent film critic from New Orleans and member of the Southeastern Film Critics Association (SEFCA).

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