North (1994)

North (1994)
North (1994) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Henry J. Fromage (Six Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Roger Ebert said about North, in perhaps his most famous review, “I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it.”  So, of course, I had to see it.

North just wants to be Big (which isn’t all that good itself).  Basically, a kid is so good at everything that he’s become a way for parents to keep kids in line decides that he’s just not getting enough attention, so he hires a lawyer and gets himself declared a free agent child.  For some reason, families around the world want this brat in their family, and he has some amount of time I don’t care enough to look up to choose new parents.  Oh, the kid’s name is North.

pregnant-kim-kardashian-kanye-west

Irritating? Check. Entitled?  Check. That really was a great name choice!

A Toast

Scarlett Johansson’s in it for ten seconds.  George and Elaine are the stunt-casted parents.  Oh, and I have to admit little Winchell (Matthew McCurley)’s megalomaniacal rise to power is pretty entertaining.

north_stl_1_h_CR

He out-Geckos Gecko… at least the Wall Street 2 version, anyway

Beer Two

In the very first scene in which North shrieks his way through a pretend coronary heart attack, I learned that yes, I absolutely could punch a ten year old in the face, and feel good about it.  It took me awhile to realize this kid was Elijah Wood, and I wish I never had.

eye_of_sauron

Makes Sauron look like not such a bad guy after all

Beer Three

Holy Fuck, Bruce Willis.  Just how many zeroes does it take to get John McClane to put on a Pink Easter Bunny suit?  That racist sign from Die Hard With a Vengeance was a less reprehensible thing to wear.

northwillis

They couldn’t even prosecute if you murdered your agent for this

Beer Four

When the giant cow-shaped airport cart showed up when North arrives in Texas, a little piece of me died.  Yes, this tour would be provided courtesy of Stereotypes ‘R Us and Pun-Mart.  What a way to rub the fact you have nothing to fucking say in your script right in our faces.

Beer Five

After all of the lighthearted “comedy” now you’re going to turn North into The Fugitive?  I mean, I entirely understand the impulse to murder this kid, but wasn’t this supposed to be a family movie?

Beer Six

And now we get to the factor that separates this film from the gigantic mess of milquetoast family film dreck out there.  What a noxious premise.  This movie was made entirely by and for high-income happy families who couldn’t imagine any other situation.  What product of a broken home or single-parent household could watch this without screaming a resounding “Fuck You!” at the screen?

whitepeopleproblems

White People Problems: The Movie

Verdict

a6packbeer

I only just hated North.  One’s enough.

 

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time North makes a noise that makes you give up the idea of ever having children

Take a Drink: every time creepy 30s paperman kid shows up

Do a Shot: whenever fucking Bruce Willis appears

About Henry J. Fromage

Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

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