Marvel’s Iron Man & Hulk: Heroes United (2013)

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By: Kyle Daley (Five Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Well, this is overdue.  I was originally going to do a review of the Lego Marvel movie that’s on Netflix, but I liked it so much that I couldn’t find anything to make fun of.  However, this direct to home release had enough for me to tackle.  Bottom line: after 5 months I’M BACK BOOZERS!!!

At any rate, Heroes United teams up Iron Man and Hulk as they fight off Abomination for about 3 minutes and Zzzax for the rest of it.  For those of you who don’t know about Zzzax (because you were all probably going to parties back in highschool), he is a being composed of living electricity that must consume energy in order to survive.  That means he’s trying to take away all the electricity in the world so you can’t watch a movie that would be far more entertaining than this starring Bree Olson, Jayden Jaymes, or Asa Akira.  (If you don’t know who those actresses are then I suggest you look them up in the privacy of your own home.  If you already do, then it is clear you and I need to get out more often).

A Toast

Um… hold on… Give me a minute.  Ugh… Oh, I got it.  Iron Man’s armor is actually really well detailed and looks almost as cool as it does in the movies.  That can be a toast right?

Beer Two

Everything about the animation in this movie is awful!  The lips are more out of sync than the bad dubbing of a Godzilla movie, the characters have about as much range of motion as the Venus di Milo*, and the colors… who the hell am I kidding?  Aside from the hot rod red in Iron Man’s armor and Hulk’s green skin there are no colors!  It’s just all greys and blacks with a hint of white every now and again.  The album cover to Smell the Glove was more vibrant than this movie.  The action is also so slow it makes the fight scenes on Robot Chicken look like a Hollywood blockbuster.  Kind of a waste of superheroes when all the flash of a badass fight isn’t really all that badass or flashy.

"How much more black could this be? And the answer is 'none.'"
“How much more black could this be? And the answer is ‘none.'”

Beer Three

The dialogue is corny.  I mean, even for an animated movie based on comic books it’s pretty corny.  The worst part is they changed Stark’s now famous line about being a “Genius, billionaire, PLAYBOY, philanthropist,” to being a “Ladies Man.”  Ok, look, I know there isn’t much difference and you want to make sure parents don’t get upset… but they shouldn’t have even included that line at all.  It just makes my inner nerd angry when they change lines like that, and you wouldn’t like me when my inner nerd is angry!

None of it is funny either.  Usually in these kind of movies you get a line or two that makes for a good chuckle , but this one fails to deliver on even a good pun.  Above all, I do like the fact that the Hulk is now able to make reasonable decisions based on fact instead of emotion.  Also that he can speak in actual sentences.  But seriously, I’m sick of him saying “I need to smash this,” or “I need to smash that,” every ten seconds.  All these movies/shows need is just one big “HULK SMASH!” at the climax and that’s it.

Beers Four & Five

Just because I feel like driving home the point that this movie is not very good.  Mainly because the pacing sucks.  It’s just lame action sequence after lame action sequence.  Usually I wouldn’t complain about something like that, but when the fights are more boring to watch then grandma at a knitting convention it kind of makes you want to do something else.  Like have grandma teach you how to knit.

Michael Bay, eat your heart out.
Michael Bay, eat your heart out.

Oh yeah, this movie also is bad because of its lack of Deadpool.  Had to say it.  Ya’ll know how funny I find that little murdering psychopath.

The look on your face while watching this movie
This is the look on your face while watching this movie.

Verdict

5Beers1-300x102

This movie is a waste of an hour.  Between the bad animation, lame dialogue, and poor action sequences this movie SHOULD have been better.  Right now I’d go on a rant about how DC does a better job with their straight to DVD releases (because they do), but all their movies are based right off the pages of popular comic book stories.  Marvel is at least trying to come up with stories that are somewhat original, yet they can’t get the execution right.

The bottom line is this cartoon is just boring and despite the fact that the stakes are kind of high the movie really doesn’t deliver on anything and you can’t get invested.  You’re better off just watching something else.  Namely a film starring Briana Banks, Eva Angelina, Sasha Grey, Jenna Jameson, Eve Lawrence, Tory Lane… holy shit I watch too much porn.

 

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time someone says the word “smash.”  Trust me, that’s it.  You hear it more times than anything else.  You’ll be wasted in 5 minutes.  But if you want to make sure you blackout and forget this movie…

Do a Shot: every time someone says the word “smash.”  Seriously, other than poor action sequences this is the only thing that repeats.  You have been warned, people.  I am not to be held responsible for what happens to any of you should you participate in this drinking game.

*This is the Venus di Milo by the way, for those of you who had no idea what I was referencing.
*This is the Venus di Milo by the way, for those of you who had no idea what I was referencing.  “You uncultured swine!”-Mr. Potato Head

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