Take a Drink: every time Robin Thicke creepily says “Abby.”
Take a Drink: every time Jaime Pressly makes a funny face.
Take a Drink: every time Abby’s hippy-dippy mother says “higher self.”
Take a Drink: at every lingering shot of an inanimate object. Take Two: if it’s a major appliance.
Take a Drink: every time the characters go to a restaurant.
Take a Drink: whenever there is a House-esque close-up of A MAJOR MEDICAL ISSUE!
Take a Drink (of Coffee): every time you start to doze off.
By: BabyRuth (Six Beers) –
Poor Robin Thicke. What a difference a year makes. Right around this time last summer he was on top of the world. There was no escaping “Blurred Lines.” It was everywhere. On every damn radio station. In every damn store. Everywhere!
Then he dressed up like Beetlejuice and twerked with Miley at the VMAs and things started taking a turn for the worse. People started getting sick of his song, many even calling it misogynistic and “rapey.”
Soon after that he took an unfortunate photo in front of a mirror while model-bowling and his wife left him. His star continued to fall faster than Lindsay Lohan’s breasts after she takes her bra off at the end of the day.
Now in the “the A&R man said ‘I don’t hear a single’ ” stage of his musical career as narrated by a Tom Petty song, he pathetically released an entire album of creepy stalker songs called Paula in a desperate attempt to win back his wife. The album has sold a dismal 30,000 copies (by comparison, Blurred Lines has sold 700,000) in the United States and totals are in the double digits in other countries.
So it’s kind of mean to keep kicking him when he’s down. Yeah, he totally deserves it for unleashing that awful song on the world (though some good did come out of it ) and being a douchebag, but enough is enough right? The problem is that he just keeps making it too easy. First there was the Twitter PR-disaster #AskThicke and now the world has been gifted with his acting debut in an indie romantic drama with Jaime Pressly called Making the Rules.
A real movie.
Filmed in 2012, shelved for two years, and then quietly released straight to DVD/streaming services, I’m sure everyone involved hoped it would slip by unnoticed. They even gave it more generic title than its original (Abby in the Summer). Of course, it was only a matter of time…
This supercut does a very nice job of summing the entire movie up but of course I had to see just how bad the entire thing was.
Here’s the plot: Abby (Jaime Pressly) is a workaholic chef in line for a big promotion. One day she cuts her hand bad enough that she is no longer able to work (at least for the summer, hence the original title) so she’s stuck with nothing to do but hang out at home and with her best friend who kinda looks like Joey Lauren Adams—oh wait, that is Joey Lauren Adams.
Abby is married to a perfectly nice guy who loves her, but according to the movie he is terrible because he doesn’t like to run the air conditioner. She happens to run into her ex (Robin Thicke) twice in a couple days after not seeing him for a long time and before you can think of something that rhymes with “hug me” the old flame is rekindled. Then she learns she’s pregnant. She tells the husband it’s his (even though it might not be) and also tells Robin Thicke, who wants her to divorce her husband and marry him. But a minute later, she’s grabbing her stomach, hunched over in pain, as troubling music plays so you know what that means. Then she dumps Robin Thicke and stays with her husband.
That’s it. That’s the entire movie. Yes, I spoiled it. Because it’s stupid and no one should ever watch it.
Robin Thicke’s scenes are fun to watch to goof on… for a while. Then it starts to feel icky. You know, if his character was supposed to be a homicidal stalker, I’d say he did a passable job. But he’s not even the worst thing in this movie, so congrats Robin Thicke!
Pressly deserves a toast for doing the best she can with what she’s given-which is a terrible script, amateurish direction, and a bland co-star.
“I need something stronger than wine please!”
The movie is written and directed by some guy named Jimbo Lee. No really, that’s his name. Surprisingly this is his first feature film! He’s done a couple of shorts, one called “The Donkey.” Here is the IMDB description:
It’s too bad Lee didn’t make a full-length version of “The Donkey” (starring Thicke as the donkey, of course) instead because it sounds a hell of a lot more interesting than this tedious piece of shit.
I’m puzzled as how this movie even came to be. It apparently had a 4.5 million dollar budget and has some respectable actors in it, even an Emmy winner (Pressly). Some movie executive actually read this script and thought “Yes, this sounds great! I’ll invest millions of dollars into it!” I could see someone greenlighting it during the whole “Blurred Lines” thing for a quick cash-in, but this was filmed a whole year before that. I just don’t get it.
The movie plays out like something a film-school student would create. The story is predictable. The dialogue is awful (“You guys don’t have a laundry machine at your place?” Who the fuck calls it a laundry machine?!). The direction is laughable. I don’t know if Jimbo Lee is trying to be artsy or is just plain clueless (most likely both) but there are long, static shots of inanimate objects like buildings, a clothes dryer, and an air conditioner. And those are the most exciting scenes!
At one point in the movie Abby says “I am such an asshole.” I don’t think truer words have ever been spoken by a character. Because she is a horrible, despicable, awful person. I don’t understand if the audience is expected to relate to her or sympathize with her but it’s impossible to do either. She’s just the worst. Her husband makes her dinner and she criticizes it. After she loses her job, her mother offers her one and she laughs at the thought. She tells a guy who could possibly be the father of her child that she wants nothing to do with him because she doesn’t want to fuck up her marriage after she went and did just that.
I held out and watched this damn thing to the end hoping she’d get some kind of comeuppance and both the men in her life would ditch her rotten, jerk ass but nope, everything works out just great for Abby. She just learned an important lesson.
For a romantic drama, there sure isn’t a lot of romance. Not that I was itching to see a sex scene involving Robin Thicke (we pretty much already got that at last year’s Video Music Awards and I shudder just thinking about that), but damn, there isn’t a shred of chemistry between him and Pressly. (There is a kiss – and it’s hilariously painful to watch.) Maybe that’s why Lee decided to imply coitus by showing clothes being spun around in a dryer instead of an actual sex scene between the two. I will say that the clothes dryer acted its little heart out.
Its hot, sexy, heart.
The one love scene we do get is between Abby and her husband, which baffles me because it only tells the audience that things seem to be okay between them. It’s not like Abby is neglected at home and driven into the arms of a former lover – not that that would make her cheating okay- but it makes it even harder to sympathize with the already very unlikeable character. Oh wait, I forgot, her husband doesn’t like air conditioning. Bastard.
Throughout nearly the entire movie, Abby has the stupidest hair style. This sounds nit-picky, but it’s so annoying and it was obviously a conscious decision which makes it even more annoying. It’s basically a ponytail that doesn’t get pulled all the way through all the way so half of it is a poof on top of a ponytail and it’s so STUPID.
Seriously, look at it!
Her friend (who looks sort of like Joey Lauren Adams but actually is Joey Lauren Adams) keeps telling her to change her hair. This is because Robin Thicke’s character is a big successful stylist/salon owner and it builds to a scene where he gives her a new fancy hair-do: bangs! Um, she didn’t need bangs, she just needed to pull her damn ponytail the rest of the way through! Or just not put her hair in a ponytail! And then after she gets the bangs, she still does the stupid poof-ponytail thing. God I hate this movie!
And Robin Thicke’s hair is stupid too. It looks like he has that poop emoji on top of his head.
Quick! Spot the difference! It’s hard, isn’t it?
Have I mentioned how excruciatingly painful this thing is to watch? It drags and drags and then it’s just over. There are long takes of characters doing everyday, mundane things like crossing the street, walking up stairs, ordering food at restaurants, getting appliances fixed (seriously, what is it with this movie and freaking appliances?), and having long conversations about the appliances getting fixed.
I think it’s Jimbo’s attempt to make it feel real. It’s very similar to the way Tommy Wiseau tried to make The Room feel real by having us listen to every customer’s order at the place with the cheesecake.
This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Not “worst” in the fun, so-bad-it’s-great, way, worst in the I regret spending 78 minutes of my life watching this when I could have been doing more fun things like going to the DMV or getting a Pap smear.
Don’t be tempted to watch this out of curiosity. Watch any other movie with “rules” in the title. Here are some suggestions: 1992’s Breaking the Rules starring Jason Bateman, C. Thomas Howell, and Annie Potts. Or maybe 2012’s Bending the Rules starring Jamie Kennedy and former WWE Superstar Edge. Hell, I’d even recommend Georgia Rule over this stinkbomb. Better yet, just watch Robin’s father in the greatest performance of his life: