Take a Drink: for every shot of someone holding a loved one’s clothes and crying.
Take a Drink: for every instance of looting.
Do a Shot: every time Martin Klebba does something funny. Aren’t little people ridiculous?!?
Take a Drink: every time someone talks shit about God.
Do a Shot: every time it’s pointed out that Buck Williams is an “investigative journalist.”
By: Hawk Ripjaw (Six Pack) –
Nicolas Cage stars as Captain Rayford Steele, a flight captain with disappointingly normal-looking hair, who decided that as soon as his wife Irene (Lea Thompson) became Jesus he’d stick his dick in the sexy stewardess because Christian girls are crazy, apparently. His hot daughter Chloe (Cassi Thompson), a proud Super Atheist, has come home to celebrate her dad’s birthday, but Cage is more concerned about bending the stewardess over the snack cart halfway to London and seeing U2 in concert. Chloe is bummed but at least she gets to see her little brother, a spoiled little prick with a good heart that overstays his welcome so hard in the first 10 seconds of meeting him I was counting the minutes until the Rapture happened and praying hard that he would be one of the first to win a trip to Heaven.
Investigative journalist/voice of reason Buck Williams (Chad Michael Murray) is also a character.
The plane which Steele is flying to London is a dumping ground for clichéd characters. There’s a hilariously senile old couple (that seriously could have been picked up out of Airplane! and dropped into this movie), a Muslim that might be a terrorist, a conspiracy theorist that believes in aliens, a Southern-drawling businessman, a drug addict, a crazy black lady that pulls a gun out of nowhere at one point, and an obese guy with headphones and jogging clothes that eats constantly.
There’s also a dwarf played by Martin Klebba. At one point I thought it was Verne Troyer, which would have been an odd career move because a few years ago Troyer was in a movie in which he got raped by monkeys, but it looks like this is not the case. Klebba does, however, serve as the plane’s comic relief because he’s different from the rest of us and therefore subject to ridicule, so we get at least half a dozen jokes (usually from him) involving how short he is.
Over 30 soul-crushing minutes later, the event finally happens, as Chloe is holding little bro in a tight loving bear hug and suddenly finds herself holding just clothes, as if she squeezed too tightly and accidentally deflated him. The world is plunged into panic as people frantically look for their lost loved ones, and everyone else starts to loot and fight.
Questions are raised: What’s going on? Where has everyone gone? Why has every single child disappeared? Is it happening all over the world? Did U2 disappear as well?
Wow, those new trailers for Exodus: Gods and Kings and Interstellar are really good!
Also, points for not showing an unraptured gay couple, which is frankly amazing that they were able to display that level of restraint.
The movie features aggressively—aggressively—awful dialogue. From the uproariously bad “If she’s going to run away to another man, it might as well be Jesus” to “I don’t know if this… event is isolated to our aircraft or if it’s happening elsewhere,” this movie is packed with shockingly banal lines. It’s not helped by the acting, with the biggest disappointment being Cage’s profound lack of any sort of batshit craziness. However, there is some humor to be had from some of the extremely dry line readings (Buck enters the cabin and says “We’re on fire” as nonchalantly as someone mentioning the weather). That aforementioned senile couple have a back-and-forth that makes fun of not only dementia, but trouble with hearing.
*seatbelt sign ding*
“Oh! Sweetheart, we’re home!”
“Darling, we haven’t left the runway yet.”
*sigh* “He gets confused sometimes.”
The tenuous logic is at times hilariously threadbare, with the apex being Nic Cage’s revelation (hey!) at what exactly is going on. As he digs through his Raptured copilot’s stuff, the thing that makes him realize everyone was whisked up to Heaven is that his buddy’s wristwatch has “John 3:16” printed on it. That, and somebody’s notebook that mentions Bible study are the things that make him realize what happened and break down in some of the most hilariously fake crying since Vampire’s Kiss.
(Okay maybe not that bad)
I’m digging through the Internet trying to find some evidence that director Vic Armstrong spent several years doing that “ball underneath the cup” street trick to raise the money to make this movie, because those special effects have that sheen of someone who had to beg, borrow, and steal for their budget. There are plenty of exterior shots of the plane, and all of them are ridiculously bargain basement to the point where you have to step outside and make sure SyFy didn’t randomly start screening Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, and you half expect the massive shark to leap out of the water.
What the fresh hell is going on with that soundtrack? The music for this movie is a bizarre amalgamation of different styles ranging from prog rock to licensed songs and, best of all, in the scene where we first meet the adulterous couple, a saxophone. It’s just another way how the movie has the bizarre feel of a 90’s TV movie.
Last but not least, it’s really just kind of offensive in a way. It’s a high-and-mighty preachy flick that shakes its finger and scolds the rest of us by treating every single unraptured character as a God-hating piece of shit. In fact, it strongly suggests that the people who aren’t Christians are more or less just terrible people, as it takes exactly .0058 seconds after the Rapture begins for everyone left to start looting the hell out of everything.
A LOT OF BEERS. This movie almost broke the MovieBoozer scale. I had to condense and edit because in its original draft, this was a nine beer movie. I’m not sure why all of the preachy religious movies have to always be so poorly made, because they don’t have to be. The preachiness of the movie is the least of its problems: it’s just a really, really bad movie.