Take a Drink: whenever Kirk Cameron smugly smirks at the camera
Drink Two Beers: during the dance sequence. Seriously, you’ll have enough time.
Do a Shot: anytime the actors start improvising, terribly
By: Frank Cerros (Six Pack) –
Terror. Drugs. Poverty. Women. We are constantly at war with one thing or another. Some philosophers even say that the natural state of man is at war. And while you may hear about all of our various wars in the news on a daily basis, there is another war going on that you may not know or even care about: the War on Christmas. Yes, forget about all of those wars, or even the actual conflict in the Middle East, because this is the most important war you should be focusing on. In fact, this war is being fought right in your own home. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Well, sit down, buckle up, and let Kirk Cameron tell you a story that will blow your mind.
To the awesome story! Just kidding. The only thing that will blow your mind is how they have the cojones to charge the same ticket price for this as a real movie like Interstellar. You see kids, according to Kirk Cameron, “stories are tricky things.” So tricky, in fact, the he couldn’t even be bothered to come up with much of one for this movie.
Thinking is hard, guys.
Here’s the skinny on what actually happens during this spoken essay video slide show: Kirk Cameron’s grumpy brother-in-law, Christian, is ruining his own Christmas party by hiding in his car. When Kirk Cameron confronts him, Christian says he is having trouble believing that the opulence and garishness of the Christmas party he is throwing inside the house is truly in the spirit of Christianity. Kirk Cameron condescendingly explains away all of Christian’s hesitations and complaints by telling him stories and biblical interpretations that he pulls out of his butt. Christian sees the light and immediately goes back inside the party. Everyone is happy and a hip-hop dance crew dances for an excruciatingly long time. That’s all that really happens in this 80 minute PowerPoint presentation.
But let’s rewind a bit. Before the movie begins in earnest, Kirk Cameron graciously invites the audience into his home to sit around his hearth and marvel at splendor and magnificence that is a Kirk Cameron Christmas. The tree! The presents! The cookies! The beard! Kirk Cameron loves it all and is proud to love it all! That’s when this heart-warming scene turns dark as Kirk Cameron presents the thesis of his essay and tells us about the conspiracy to bring it all down. That’s right, there are nameless “wet blankets” out there that would have you keep your Christmas celebrations inside your home and also tone it down. Even worse? There are some who want it all to go away completely. All the joy and love and laughter and sweaters. Gone. Who are these people? Let’s find out together…
Christians! Well, one Christian in particular: Christian (see what he did there?). In a somewhat ironic twist, Christian the Christian is the “wet blanket” and antagonist to Kirk Cameron’s heroic Christ-like freedom fighter/story-teller/Bible re-interpreter/Christmas symbologist. Christian, the grumpy, party-ruining jerk who is having an existential crisis in his car in the driveway is the villain of this piece. Who is he to question Christmas? Who is he to say that all the symbols and traditions we associate with Christmas aren’t really Christian? Who is he to say that perhaps all the money spent on buying spoiled children even more presents and things they don’t need wouldn’t be better off spend on feeding hungry children and digging wells for villages that don’t have water? He actually asks these questions in the movie. Kirk Cameron’s response? “You’re all wrong.”
I think I would remember if there was something in the Bible about helping the poor…
Kirk Cameron never bothers to address why Christian is wrong about wanting to help those less fortunate, but he does have some answers that oughta finally shut up the atheists and all their talk about co-opting Pagan traditions. The majority of the movie takes place with these two men in the front seat of a car mostly facing forward toward the camera, interspersed with incompetently filmed vignettes visualizing the stories Kirk Cameron tells to justify Christmas traditions. Talk about dynamic! And these vignettes are almost completely without dialogue, reminding the viewer that this movie is 90% Kirk Cameron voiceover and long, lingering shots of people barely moving so Kirk Cameron can get his long-winded point in before moving onto the next shot.
And what about these reinterpretations that are the pillars of Kirk Cameron’s visual essay that you paid non-matinee movie theater ticket prices to see? Well, the Nativity scene should be an integral part of your Christmas display, but so should the nutcrackers which can represent King Herod’s soldiers that were going around murdering babies. The Christmas tree? That’s not a pagan symbol representing fertility, but rather the tree of knowledge of good and evil that Adam stole the fruit from, and also the cross that Jesus was crucified on. The presents under the tree? They represent the buildings in the skyline of New Jerusalem with the glorious tree in the middle. Santa Claus? He was a badass saint that was a warrior for Christianity and murdered the unarmed heretic Arius violently and heroically. So maybe next time you will treat Santa with a little goddamned reverence when you sit on his lap and tell him you want a PS4. Given a longer running time, Kirk Cameron would likely have justified kissing under the mistletoe, roasting chestnuts on a fire, and maybe even the Easter bunny.
See? It says right here that Jesus asked for cookies and milk at the Last Dessert.
This is a terrible movie. The truth is that it’s barely a movie at all. Only two characters even have names: Christian the Christian and Deandre the token black friend. This movie could have been summed up in a blog post and saved everyone a lot of time and money.
But Kirk Cameron isn’t interested in saving anyone money. In fact, he’s a big proponent of spending money. “Sure,” he says, “don’t max out your credit cards” but definitely spend as much as you can on buying the fattest ham at the store, or spoiling your kids with presents, or getting gallons of egg nog. And those poor children and villages Christian was struggling with? Don’t worry about it! This is a time to focus on being materialistic because your materialism represents God taking on a material form in Jesus. I swear to Cthulhu, Kirk Cameron actually says this. Much like Gordon Gekko, Kirk Cameron seems to believe that greed is “Good”; maybe that’s because it’s only one letter off from “God.” In his conspiracy-addled mind, I wouldn’t put it past him.