Kid-Thing (2012)

kid-thing-posterBy: Henry J. Fromage (Six Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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I have a running list of movies that I hear interesting things about by hook or crook.  It expands at a faster rate than I can keep up with, so invariably there’s some titles on there that I forgot about.  And that’s how I end up watching something like The Oregonian.

theoregonian_web

I’m not very good at vetting, is what I’m saying

I honestly have no idea where I heard about Kid-Thing.  Probably Sundance?  Anyway, it’s as low-rent as they come, about a young tomboy who basically roams around doing juvenile delinquent things.  One day she encounters a suspiciously tidy well in the middle of nowhere, from which emits a disembodied old lady voice asking her to go for help.  And that’s about it for plot.

A Toast

Well, somebody watched The 400 Blows in their Intro to Film class.  I like that the film-makers were going for a Truffaut meets David Gordon Green sort of thing, and I have to admit they capture some gorgeous magic hour shots.

Beer Two

Unfortunately, it seems like any schlub with access to a good HD camera and a sunset is doing that these days, and the corresponding amount of oversaturated and just plain washed out daytime shots show the cinematographer’s inexperience.

Beer Three

The film-makers also make the rookie indie blunder of mistaking quirk for depth.  Her two authority figures? Dad & uncle/friend (?) are the worst offenders by far, roughly equating to Karl Childers and Boomhauer respectively.

boomhauer

At least Boomhauer is unintelligible with style

Beer Four

Besides being some sort of halfwit, Sling Blade Dad also gets fed a lot of Philosophy 101 “deep thoughts” lines that are randomly sprinkled in without cohering into anything resembling a message.  The whole film comes off as something a bunch of college freshmen threw together, an impression buttressed by the fact that most of the supporting characters didn’t bother to take off their hipster hats or shave.  It’s like those Oregonian folks made a coming-of-age film.

Beer Five

The one actual theme to the film, that the main character is a “bad girl” faced with a moral dilemma, is underlined in five colors of highlighter and circled twice.  Of course she shoplifts, of course she throws things at passing cars, of course she smashes bugs, and of course she randomly wanders into crippled children’s backyards during their birthday parties which no one else attends, smashes their cakes with a baseball bat, and steals their presents… wait, are you fucking kidding me?

Soldier-Medals-Lots

Captain Obvious just got a promotion to Grand Marshall of Time and Space Obvious

Beer Six

Spoilers, Like Anyone Cares

Aww… it just took basically murdering someone to make her a good girl… oh, wait, make her a kiddie suicide.  Fuck you too, movie.

Verdict

Six Pack

This pretty much sums it up.

 

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever the girl does a “bad kid” thing

Take a Drink: for every static shot lasting more than five seconds (start the countdown!)

Do a Shot: chicken hypnotism!

Do a Shot: whenever Boomhauer talks

About Henry J. Fromage

Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

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