The Karate Dog (2005) Movie Review: At Least Tommy Wiseau Isn’t This Damn Lazy

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever Chevy Chase’s line delivery makes your heart sink

Take a Drink: when your soul groans at a pun

Take a Drink: for every hackneyed “comic” contrivance you’ve seen 10,000 times

Take a Drink: for every mention of cats

Take a Drink: whenever Simon Rex demonstrates his inability to act across from a tennis ball

Do a Shot: for the fucking fight scenes

Community Review

How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Movie Review

By: Henry J. Fromage (Six Pack) –

I’m a bit of a connoisseur of truly, spectacularly bad films, so when I caught a clip of Jon Voight karate fighting a woefully CGI’d Briard (?) dog on The Soup, I knew The Karate Dog was in my future.

karate-dog

I make bad decisions.

The Karate Dog is kind of The Karate Kid, starring for reasons never explained a dog voiced by Chevy Chase.  Jon Voight is the bad guy.  Fuck the rest of the plot.

A Toast

Nope.

Beer Two

This movie originally aired on ABC Family, proving that ABC has a very low opinion of your family.  Somehow, though, they had the budget for Voight, Chase, Jamie Pressley, the sweetly retarded fat kid from Remember the Titans, and Pat Morita, because this movie’s so monumentally lazy that they could not conceive of not casting Pat Morita.  Of course he’s Karate Dog’s mentor.

karate-dog-2

Also the shopowner from Gremlins, for some reason.

Much more depressing is the presence in the director’s chair of the late Bob Clark of A Christmas Story, first slasher flick Black Christmas, and… Baby Geniuses 2.

baby-geniuses-2

Nevermind, makes sense.

Beer Three

The lead actor, however, is Simon Rex, who looks like Andy Samberg’s family disappointment of a brother and acts as well as he raps. Yep, that’s Dirt Nasty.

The guy in this video that isn’t the human cartoon from Spring Breakers or Andy Milonakis

Beer Four

Only the cheesiest public domain tracks were chosen for the soundtrack.  They’re so generic that Imdb couldn’t even be bothered to list them.  The movie ends with a band of cheaply, obviously looped CGI animals resurrected from the Uncanny Valley Pet Sematary singing “Chantily Lace”.  The cup of my disgust runneth over.

Beer Five

Bob Clark, multiple times, makes me wonder if he’s seen a computer in the last 30 years.

weird-science-computer

This is the literal epitome of technology

That would explain the CGI.  Holy fuck, the CGI.  If you took the animators of those Taiwanese news segments and mercilessly beat all of the joy and humor out of them, this is what you’d get.

Beer Six

As unimaginatively minuscule of an amount of effort everyone else is putting into this, you have use a fucking Large Hadron Collider to locate the faint whiff of a shit that writers Steven Paul and Gregory Poppen give about their script.  There’s no way those are their real names.  Poppen’s name is even all red and unlinked on Wikipedia.  It’s a barely stitched together spiderweb of tropes so hoary you should probably wear a condom while you watch.

Verdict

One suspects that the producers of this film grievously insulted Bob Clark’s mother.  This is how he repaid them.

Six Pack

About Henry J. Fromage

Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

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