The House Bunny (2008)

housebunnyposter

By: Felix Felicis (Two Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Imagine if Barbie were real… And that bitch was straight dumb. But sweet… But really, really dumb. But hot… But super, duper dumb. Now imagine you were a pervy old dude with a billion dollars and could stock your cock, I mean pond, I mean house, I mean cock, with hundreds of those girls… And thus, The House Bunny was born.

SHIT JUST GOT REAL… LITERALLY.
SHIT JUST GOT REAL… LITERALLY.

The House Bunny follows Shelly (Anna Faris) who begins life as little-orphan-no-tits, “blows” through puberty, and ends up in the creepy-ancient-Hugh-Hefner-boner-filled-lap-of-luxury before being kicked to the curb the morning after her 27th birthday. Through a series of unf(wh)oretunate events, Shelly ends up the House Mother of a rag-tag-seven-dwarves-meets-revenge-of-the-nerds group of sorority girls, the Zeta Alpha Zetas, two steps (and a couple pity-bangs) away from losing their house and last hopes of popping those social (and not-so-social) cherries. Will Shelly teach those Zetas the magical magicalness of sistery sisterhood? Will the Zetas teach Shelly that being true to yourself is the REAL magic? Will people ever stop making Nicolas Cage memes that FREAK ME THE FUCK OUT?!?

NO, THE ANSWER TO THAT LAST ONE IS NO.
NO, THE ANSWER TO THAT LAST ONE IS NO.

A Toast

The beauty in The House Bunny lies in the magic of a film that not only jumps the stereotypical shark with wild and joyous abandon, it throws that motherfucker on a bed and makes sweet love to it, Lionel-Richie-style… ALL NIGHT LONG. Never taking itself too seriously, The House Bunny is the epitome of self-depreciating humor and sardonic wit, embracing absurdity with the slutty enthusiasm of college girls gone wild on spring break; though not Harmony Korine’s Spring Break, because that shit was TERRIFYING(ly fascinating). But I digress.

I may or may not be lifetime-banned from Florida. Don’t ask.
I may or may not be lifetime-banned from Florida. Don’t ask.

Amidst a stellar supporting cast of solid actors like the ever-delectably nerdy Emma Stone, and her sorority sisters of ZAZ, Anna Faris broke away from the pack like a cruise missile of comedic gold, grabbing this flick by the balls and running away with the lead like a goddamned champ; she had my cinematic nips in their full and upright positions the entire time. Delivering, hands down, the funniest lines in the entire movie, Faris was a revelation of wit, tit, and deadpan delivery. Here are some of the gems I remember falling out of her trouty pout through the haze of tequila and Doritos dust wafting around my living room:

“The eyes are the nipples of the face”- Shelley.

“Instead of the Mahi Mahi, may I just get the Mahi? Because I’m not that hungry.” -Shelley

“Manhole… I like that word… Manhole.” – Shelley

If your labia didn’t run away to cry in the corner after watching this, you’re probably not me, and less drunk.
If your labia didn’t run away to cry in the corner after watching this, you’re probably not me, and less drunk.

Also of note in The House Bunny aka Drop Your Famous Kids Off For A Playmate Playdate was the stellar performance of Tom Hank’s son, Colin Hanks, taking on the lead love interest with depth, charm, and charisma enough to get those lady engines revving on all cylinders (not to mention it was probably why they got away with such an iconic Forrest Gump reference). Bruce Willis’s daughter, Rumor Willis, bouncing back from that unfortunately masculine paternal jawline with a stellar rack and an adorably quirky portrayal of Joanne, knocked her knockout transformation out the park like Miley Cyrus knocks back quaaludes and bad-decision juice on the regular. Turns out SOME famous kids can actually act… Who fucking knew? Yeah, I’m looking at you, Jaden Smith.

Word, bitch, word.
Word, bitch, word.

Beer Two

Hugh Hefner, while a bonafide hottie in his youth, has morphed into a certified lady-boner-killer cum Crypt-Keeper-body-double, today. What passed for “acting” from him and real-life bunnies (and then-girlfriends) Holly Madison, Bridget Marquardt, and Kendra Wilkinson, was what I imagine wooden meat puppets duct-taped to a boom mike and swung around set would look like. They were distracting, terrible, and odds-on favorites for the “You’ll Never Be The Same After Watching It, I Mean Tit, I Mean It” Award.

All twerk and no play make this STILL REALLY FUCKING DISTURBING.
All twerk and no play make this STILL REALLY FUCKING DISTURBING.

Add to that a predictable storyline, and an ending that ABC Family would jack off to, The House Bunny (even with plentitty of laughs) fell just short of comedic perfection.

Daddy issues are why I fuck older guys. Hey, I don’t make the rules.
Daddy issues are why I fuck older guys. Hey, I don’t make the rules.

Verdict

2beers

The House Bunny is what happens nine months after Legally Blonde anger-bangs Snow White And The Seven Dwarves. Two puckered comedic nipples way, way up.

Fucks Hugh Hefner… Gets complimentary smoking jacket.
Fucks Hugh Hefner… Gets complimentary smoking jacket.

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: anytime you’re in the Zeta house and think “I could catch the Hep from that”.

Take a Drink: for every celebrity cameo.

Take a Drink: whenever you hear a pep talk/see a prank played on the Zetas/makeover montage.

Take a Sip: each time a vapid Barbie Doll gem falls out of Shelly’s mouth.

Do a Shot: for every purple nurple/titty punch/mispronunciation of “philanthropy”.

All The Beer: White. Girls. RAPPING.

About Felix Felicis

Filled with smart-assed sass and armed with the expletives to prove it, Felix Felicis is a critic adrift in a sea of dirty thoughts and tawdry humor. If you see her float by, toss Felix some beef jerky and a taser. She’ll take it from there.

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