Take a Drink: for internet pandering
Take a Drink: whenever the fucking dog talks (y’all know which one)
Take a Drink: whenever the villains “sing”
Take a Drink: for damn grumpy cat pop-ups onscreen
Take a Drink: for fourth wall breaking and “meta” comedy
Do a Shot: when they mention a sequel
Do a Shot: whenever a “joke” makes you
By: Henry J. Fromage (Six Pack) –
I’m not the kind of guy who says that “you should never make a movie about X”. I mean, who thought a middle of the road children’s book adaptation about weather made of food could be so touching, or a comedy remake of a 25 year old cop show could be as hilarious as 21 Jump Street, or that a shamelessly commercial animation of an 80 year old children’s toy would be, well, awesome? Okay, maybe what I’m trying to say is Phil Miller and Chris Lord can make a good movie out of anything.
That 9/11 Truther Musical is going to be a challenge, though…
Anyway, let’s not make films about Internet Memes anymore, mmkay? Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever is very basically an attempt to wring a few more bucks out of Tardar Sauce, the ubiquitous cute little grumpy-visaged cat who’s plastered all over teh internets. It turns out she can talk with the voice of Aubrey Plaza, and a little girl makes a Christmas wish and suddenly can hear her, and they foil a pet shop robbery… really, who the fuck cares?
This movie has turned me into a grumpy human.
Grumpy Cat’s in it, and she’s exactly as enthusiastic about it as she is about anything, which feels like a welcome fresh breeze of sincerity.
If anybody could voice the female personification of grumpiness, you’d think it’d be a real-life April Ludgate. She clearly gives about as much of a shit about this movie as Tardar Sauce does, though, and honestly I’d always imagined some old curmudgeon’s voice paired with that face, like Walter Matthau or Elaine Stritch. Too bad both of them sensed this in the wind and bailed on this plane of existence.
Magical Christmas coins, million dollar dog heists, old Paul Blarts (namechecked, of course), talking animals, a kid who can hear talking animals, divorced parents finding love, saving the local pet shop… there’s so much fucking plot shoehorned into this thing, and every second of it is insipid TV holiday family film boilerplate.
Where’d they get these poor F-list actors? Weren’t there Furniture Store commercials to make? Even shilling boner pills or adult diapers would be more dignified than this, but I guess even those are out of reach for thespians overacting to this teeth-grinding degree. Worse, though, is the fact that the other animals in the pet shop can also talk, and only the most grating voice actors from the very worst Dollar Store bargain bin children’s movies were hired for them.
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
(Just the dog, or everybody, really)
Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever is totally in on the joke, you guys. It knows it’s a shitty Lifetime movie, but it’s, like, shitty on purpose. Ironic self-hate is what the kids are into these days, right? Live Tweet us like those Sharknadoes you like so much, and don’t forget to buy some of the Grumpy Cat merch we “ironically” flash on screen… several times. Don’t forget about our fine sponsors we slather a thick word of product placement over this film for, too! What’s a commercial break, haha?
We’re like, totally edgy, too! Please don’t change the channel- here’s a dream sequence where Grumpy Cat gets euthanized! Please love, err hate, err throw money at us! How about a self-referential Flowers in the Attic child-molestation joke?
Maybe Drew Peterson can show up and murder everybody, hehe, hoho!