Fuck my life.
That Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2 trailer is pretty damn funny. And I saw Pacific Rim later the same evening after this. So it was an all right day after all.
I guess Taylor Lautner is mildly amusing as an aggressive frat boy, the “villain” of the movie. In the same way that getting your junk stuck in a bear trap is mildly amusing. Haha, junk.
The Justin Bieber 3D concert movie had more plot than this. Here’s what happens in Grown Ups 2. The guys wake up with their respective wacky families, fuck around for a day, and then throw a party. That’s it. There are things that happen, and they’re strung along so lazily that it makes a Larry the Cable Guy stand-up special seem like a harrowing thriller by comparison. A scene with David Spade in a tire is a thing that happens, for literally no reason. Nothing happens in the movie, at all. There’s an extremely awkward and half-assed attempt at the pains of growing up shoehorned in the final act, but after an eternity of idiotic antics, the sentiments are more flaccid than my dick during Spring Breakers (thank God it was, but still).
If it comes out of the body in any way, shape or form, there is a joke or three about it in Grown Ups 2. A deer pees on Adam Sandler’s face within two minutes of the movie starting, then pees on someone else a mere ten seconds later–and things only continue from there. Chocolate ice cream is made to look like someone is pooping. Beer is made to look like two guys are peeing. At least three people vomit. Pee stains, boogers, more pooping, a re-use of the “peeing in the pool” gag from the first movie, MORE POOPING, full diapers, eating food out of a belly button, and still more pooping comprise most (but not all) of the steady, deeply unpleasant tidal wave of nasty humor. I know that poop comes out of a butt. I’ve been there. I don’t need to be constantly reminded of what a butt does.
Think of the progress Hollywood has made in recent years with somewhat-significant steps taken towards respect for people that Republicans hate. Now throw all of that out the window. Think of a group that gets discriminated against it real life. I fucking dare you. Guaranteed, that group is made fun of in Grown Ups 2. Homosexuals, bisexuals, transgenders, transvestites—the list goes on. A female bodybuilder is insulted multiple times and said to have a penis. It serves no purpose. Racism, sexism, ageism, and just about any other –ism you can imagine also rear their heads. It’s not cute, it’s not funny, and it just makes everyone in the movie look like an asshole.
The rest of the… content of Grown Ups 2 fails to be even remotely amusing (I almost called it “humor” but I don’t want to add insult to injury by writing a funnier joke than Adam Sandler can). The movie goes to extreme lengths to set itself up for jokes that aren’t even funny, or recycles most of them ad nauseum (literally). There’s a whole scene in a gym that exists only to end with the gym teacher to climb a rope in tight short shorts. A minor character with a lazy eye that works at Kmart accidentally sprays himself in the eye with pepper spray. Tim Meadows plays a character that exists solely to exclaim “Whaaaaaaat?!?” every time someone says something to him. Nick Swardson is a bisexual bus driver so hopped up on medications he spends the entirety of the movie either unconscious, getting hit in the face or just being gross.
This gets its very own beer. The guys in the movie have something called a Burpsnart, where they successfully burp, sneeze, and fart simultaneously. This joke is reused at least six times. That is six or more instances of a full-grown male attempting to burp, sneeze and fart at the same time. Presumably, this is supposed to equal three times the hilarity. In reality, it’s three times the fewer years I now have due to dangerously high blood pressure after being forcibly subjected to this “joke.”
Grown Ups 2 is the Frankenstein’s Monster of everything wrong with movies. It’s the cinematic equivalent of placing your mouth over a fire hose blasting a jet stream of shit. I wanted desperately to walk out after half an hour, which actually felt like three hours. I’d rather lick a taint than watch another second. This was one of the most miserable experiences of my life, even worse than the time I was chopping onions and accidentally cut my hand open. Yes, drunkenly cutting open my hand and seeing what was inside was more entertaining, interesting, and fun than seeing this cinematic catastrophe. It really is that bad.
It’s a ferociously horrible film of the absolute highest order.
And I paid money to watch it.
Take a Drink: for each joke that is reused more than three times (this one is really gonna fuck you up).
Take a Drink: whenever Nick Swardson does something that makes you want to scream.
Do a Shot: each time the characters laugh at their own jokes when you didn’t.
Take a Drink: for every reference to a bodily function (yes, a burpsnart counts as three).
Drink an Entire Bottle of Whiskey: for each joke that’s actually funny (Not that that could actually happen. Can you imagine?).