Ghost Shark (2013)

Ghost SharkBy: Mother Clicker (Five Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

Loading...

I don’t know if it was the high quality graphics that Syfy movies are known for or the exhaustion from my Zumba routine, but when I saw the preview for Ghost Shark I was pumped. This was a must watch for me…a shark that’s a ghost? And even better it can get you from ANY water source! Just think of the possibilities.  I was keeping my fingers crossed for a toilet scene.

A Toast

I learned about sharks that day. Not due to the movie, but I was researching shark brains for this review. I thought the idea of a shark seeking revenge was absurd, but apparently sharks (Great Whites in particular) are pretty damn smart. Revenge is pushing it still, because of that being an emotion..yada yada, but I expanded my shark knowledge a tad this day due to Ghost Shark and Syfy.

Beer Two

Right off the bat I recognized this big guy.
RichardMoll1
The beloved Bull Shannon, from Night Court (actually Richard Moll is his name), was in this film…woo hoo! However, he played the cranky half-crazy light house keeper with a skeleton in his closet.

This one took me a bit. Her voice was more familiar than her face.
MackenzieRosman
I probably would’ve known quicker if it had been this one.
o-MACKENZIE-ROSEMAN-MAXIM-570
In any case I finally figured out our little Nancy Drew of this tale was Mackenzie Rosman, who played Ruthie Camden on 7th Heaven. Her character is trying to stop the Ghost Shark that killed her Dad (innocent victim).

That was pretty much it for the cast…

Beer Three

It seemed to drag on and on… We had the unrequited teen love story + Nancy Drew mystery with a touch of Scooby Doo bad guy… bring me the shark!! I watched this purely for carnage. After the Sharknado hoopla of  Ian Ziering jumping in a shark with a chainsaw, AND cutting his way out I was expecting blood and guts from the get go!
sharknado
Adding in the commercials it took this thing about 4o minutes to start really killing people.

Beer Four

First it was a ghost story. The shark was killed in a cruel manner, and then came back for vengeance. Now we have a curse. The ghost story wasn’t enough for this film. We had to have more “substance”. Add a Spanish province wiped out, but there is this mysterious cave (oooohhhh). A memoir has it written, ” Anyone who dies in the cave violently will rise again”. There is always a way to break a curse, right? Sure..it’s in the Grimoire (Spell book). Now where on Earth do you find a Grimoire? Duh, at the local museum of course!

Beer Five

It doesn’t stick with the story. I am all for the “back from the dead like The Crow (love!) and seeking revenge/justice”, but this shark was not like that! It just killed anyone and anywhere! Uncool, Shark, real uncool.

Verdict

5Beers1

I’m stopping at five beers. I could probably squeeze out another, but I’m giving props for creativity in deaths. A little nod to my love of Celebrity Death Match and its creative finishes.

The best Ghost Shark death (hands down) goes to “Drink a shark, get your ass split in half”, plus the total non-responsive looks from the dudes in the office watching this shit go down.
sharkdrink

Honorable mention to the “bikini carwash massacre”,  and “Slip and Slide Shark”.
bikinicarwashslipandslideshark
I did get my “toilet shark”, but it wasn’t what I had hoped for. It more just sucked the dude down the bowl. I had such high expectations for that one. Kinda like this, but with cool jumping shark.
ghoulies

In general the blood and guts were pretty low. Usually Syfy adds lots of blood in exchange for high quality graphics. That was a little of a downer.

One pearl of wisdom from the stereotypical “bitchy, mean girl who bites it right off the bat” was: “Don’t listen to him. Horny boys will say anything.”

Drinking Game

(Easiest Rules Ever)

Take a Drink: for every victim

(That should get you good and toasted by the end of this one; you won’t even care how it ends!)

About Mother Clicker

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.