Take a Drink: whenever Wings Hauser does
Take a Drink: champagne
Take a Drink: random gratuitous nudity
Take a Drink: stock footage
Take a Drink: bill shooting
Take a Drink: bleach drinking
Take a Drink: whenever a person begs Rick to display one of his many talents (singing, Shakespeare, jokes)
Take a Drink: whenever anyone says “Normad” (Fun Fact: this character’s name is literally the result of a typo)
Chug: during the “Shimmy Slide”
Chug: during the love scenes
Just Keep Chugging: as needed
By: BabyRuth & Henry J. Fromage
There are good movies. There are great movies. There are bad movies. There are great bad movies.
And then there are movies that render you speechless except for repeatedly exclaiming “HOLY SHIT” to no one in particular. When you finally regain the ability to speak, all you can use it for is to force everyone you know to witness what you just have.
“GETEVEN” aka Road to Revenge aka Champagne and Bullets is one such movie. For its one hour, twenty-nine minute and thirty second entirety, I sat transfixed, eyes bugged out, mouth agape, in stunned silence at what I was beholding. I’m no stranger to films that surpass bad and come full-circle as works of art in their own right. I’ve seen all the classics – Troll 2, The Room, Birdemic, etc… I thought I was prepared.
Let’s start with the movie’s poster.
Now let me ask you. Does that look like an action hero to you or what?
Most of you probably answered “or what.” And you would be correct. That man, John De Hart, is not an action hero. At least, he wasn’t before “GETEVEN.” He’s a trial lawyer, specializing in All Types of Court Appearances.
But deep down he had a dream.
He wanted to be the star of a kick-ass, action-packed crime drama. After numerous unsuccessful auditions (I’m guessing), De Hart decided to take matters into his own hands and in 1993 he wrote, directed, produced, scored, and starred in his own very own movie. And the end result is sure something.
Here is where I would get into the plot synopsis, but I really feel this film is best viewed with little to no prior knowledge. There’s a pretty amazing and out of nowhere reveal about halfway through that sure threw me for a loop and I would not want to spoil that for anyone.
Because this movie is extremely easily accessible, I had an idea to do this review a little differently than usual. I implore you, I urge you, I ORDER YOU to take 90 minutes out of your day and press play below to experience “GETEVEN” and all of its wonderful surprises for yourself. Be sure to grab a beverage and as many people in close proximity as you can tie to chairs and play the drinking game.
Then, please join me and my fellow Movieboozer Henry J. Fromage, to discuss and dissect all the wonderful aspects of this important piece of cinematic history.
Stop thinking about it. Just do it. You will not be sorry.
A big Toast goes out to YouTube user Michael Danton for posting this and changing lives forever.
BabyRuth: We must start with the man without whom “GETEVEN” would not exist, Mr. John De Hart. Writer. Director. Shakespearean thespian. Master joke teller. Mustache grower. I mean, many people fantasize about being a movie star but they keep it in their imagination. Not De Hart garsh-darnit! He saw his fantasy through to fruition. He even managed get some established B movie actors including a former Playboy Playmate to costar.
Henry J. Fromage: I’ll start with the fact that I learned about this when you sent me an email saying, and this is verbatim:
Ho lee shit[Neil] Breen has some competition
Stop what you are doing and watch this right now.”
And my life changed forever, and I’ll forever be in your debt. As you can tell from the extreme adoration already on display from BabyRuth and I, Dear Public, this shit is B-A-N-A-N-A-S, and my cup runneth over with joy even writing about it now. I might just watch it again this afternoon.
BabyRuth: You’re very welcome. You can repay me by never assigning me another Paul Blart movie to review ever again.
BabyRuth: The 12:43 mark is the moment this film cements itself into shitcinema history. Rick (De Hart) is hanging out at the local bar (which is very obviously not an actual bar, but like someone’s finished basement) and getting reacquainted with his ex-love Cindy (Bryant) when he is prodded by his buddies to get up on stage and perform his signature song, “The Shimmy Slide.” He says no at first but they continue to beg and plead for him to grace them with his incredible pipes and dance moves and he reluctantly agrees.
If you didn’t take my advice and watch the entire movie above, at least watch this part.
Henry J. Fromage: What BabyRuth meant to say is, “watch this part, then go watch the rest of this movie, or you’ll forever be the chump you suspect you are, deep down inside.” But, as for this scene, De Hart adds “Country Music Star” to his list of Hyphenates, and I’ll have to admit this is probably the most enjoyable Country song I’ve heard since probably Shania Twain. Do you remember Shania Twain? Is Shania Twain still a thing? I’m old.
BabyRuth: Pass the Geritol and Werther’s Original hard candies, because I was thinking Billy Ray Cyrus. (That’s Miley’s dad for you youngins.) I’m pretty sure “Achy Breaky Heart” was the inspiration for the “The Shimmy Slide.” I love how the Shimmy Slide is an actual line dance that people at the bar know and just get up and start doing. And then there’s the one lady who loves the Shimmy Slide so much, she just can’t stop herself from stripping off all her clothes. (“Hello, I’d like to report public nudity,” is my favorite line from this movie.)
BabyRuth: Wings Hauser plays Rick’s best friend Henry “Huck” Finney. If you’re a fan of B-movies, you’ve most likely seen him before. The only other thing I’ve ever seen him is Beverly Hills 90210, but even so, I am fairly certain that this is his greatest performance. Now, I don’t know if he was method acting as the character of Huck is a raging alcoholic or if after agreeing to appear in this film, he realized just what he was getting into and decided to have some fun with it and go full-on bonkers. Whatever it is, it’s beautiful.
Henry J. Fromage: Forecasting current state Michael Madsen by 20 years, Hauser demonstrates that same skill for taking the paycheck to be in a an epic turd, winkingly acknowledging he knows this fact through his overacting, and yet still somehow being terrible enough even at that to demonstrate why his career’s at the level that he’s starring in an epic turd. Meta circles within meta circles, bro.
BabyRuth: The multiple, unnecessary, and drawn-out way too long love scenes rival those of the Tommy Wiseau’s masterpiece, The Room. But you know what was missing from the love scenes in The Room? Musical accompaniment featuring the leading man on vocals. Now, no disrespect to “You Are My Rose,” but that has nothing on “I’ll Be With You,” sung by DeHart himself, containing lines such as “I’ll be with you when you’re feeling blue/I’ll be with you when you’re happy too.” Poetry.
Henry J. Fromage: The sex scenes make Tommy Wiseau look like Adrian Lyne. It probably doesn’t help that De Hart looks like the stepdad from the Paradise Lost documentaries, peeling off layers of Jeff Foxworthy’s Qualitee Duds for Country Gentlemen fashion line as he oogles the decades younger actress he’s about to bump and grind with while conflicting looks of “I can’t believe this actually worked” and “I’m really intimidated and a little confused about what’s about to happen” play across his face. Also, I’m pretty sure a burnt sienna-tanned heavyset middle aged woman from earlier in the film (in the police station?) whose line delivery suggests a personal favor being repaid via casting is his real wife, so that adds a layer right there for ya.
BabyRuth: Hang on! I know the answer to this one. Now, I’m not sure of the background of the plastic surgery cautionary tale, but John De Hart did cast his real-life girlfriend in the movie. She played the nun! So he cast himself in multiple sex scenes with a much younger, busty, blonde while covering up his actual girlfriend in a freaking nun’s habit! This guy… Shockingly, she dumped him shortly after completion. I learned this in a fascinating interview Cinefamily did with De Hart at a screening a couple years ago (watch here) because I have devoted dozens of hours of my life to digging up every possible nugget of “GETEVEN” knowledge. (I regret nothing.)
Which brings me to a bit of a bummer:
We also need to give a toast (and sadly, also pour one out) for Pamela Jean Bryant and her commitment to her role as DeHart’s much younger love interest. Though the relief on her face in every scene that does not involve her naked and grinding on De Hart’s semi-comatose body is visible, she’s a true pro.
Henry J. Fromage: Wait, she died? Considering every time another top button loosened in this film I leaped to my feet and yelled “Oh no, honey, don’t take your shirt off! Not for this movie!” just in case messages indeed can be conveyed through time and space via streaming media if one just tries hard enough, Frequency-style, that’s extra sad.
BabyRuth: Yeah, she died of an asthma attack in 2010. Considering that is when “GETEVEN” was released, I am choosing to believe that she faked her death, changed her name, and moved to Lancaster, PA (“Amish Country”).
BabyRuth: “GETEVEN” was filmed back in 1993, but was shelved and later recut and released in 2010 with some added footage. It’s pretty easy to identify the additional content as it is not only seventeen years newer, but also shot on tape (or possibly an iPhone). But it was a super smart decision to include these shots because they add so much to the story. The opening credits tour of downtown Los Angeles that feels so real, you will most definitely feel carsick, De Hart in full Daniel-san mode hitting and kicking a heavy bag, and most importantly:
Yes, this is a poodle wearing a black belt and eating ice cream from a spoon.
Henry J. Fromage: I mean, if you were a director and had access to a poodle that could do that you know you would put it in every film you make. Kind of like Sam Raimi’s brother, but more recognizable/welcome. As for the rest of it, further commentary on the shoddiness of the production values is moot. Just adds to the charm.
Henry J. Fromage: For our final, triumphant beer, I feel as if the plot warrants a mention. As above, I won’t give you any concrete details, but I will let loose some deliciously late 80s/early 90s teasers. More softcore sex scenes! Martial arts! Corrupt Cops/Judges/Stacy Keach Impersonators! That three minute, thankfully fade in & out monotonously delivered Shakespeare monologue! Hilariously slow Jeep peel-outs! Satanism! Oh yes, it’s all Satan’s fault… I think.
BabyRuth: This one is special folks. Show it to your family, friends, and strangers on the street right now. Spread the word. It’s your duty.
Henry J. Fromage: You may do no finer deed in all your days. Creepy Uncle: The Movie (yeah, I’m giving it another title) deserves to be passed down through generations, bringing joy to all who witness it until the end of time.