Frozen (2013)

Frozen (2013)
Frozen (2013)

By: Felix Felicis (Two Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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This may be the euphoria talking, considering I just face-fucked the shit out of a pint of Rocky Road and I’m riding the sweet crack-pony of chocolate-induced endorphins… But Disney is motherfucking BACK. After a depressingly long run of soul-suckingly bland cinematic cash-cow hand-jobs, they’ve finally turned out an adorably charming, effortlessly amusing holiday flick the whole family can enjoy. Even your weird kid will like it; you know, the one who lip syncs to Lady Gaga in the nude (which is definitely NOT what I caught my roommate doing last night… SCOTT). But I digress.

THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE DAVID CARUSO FOLLOWS ME ON TWITTER… YEAH I DON’T KNOW WHY EITHER.
THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE DAVID CARUSO FOLLOWS ME ON TWITTER… YEAH I DON’T KNOW WHY EITHER.

Frozen follows two Princesses, Elsa and Anna, who live in the Kingdom of Arendelle, as one hides an icy secret and the other must stop her from inadvertently setting off an eternal winter that will hold the Kingdom captive for all time and timeness. Up against enemies both within and without, the sisters set off, each in their own way, on a journey that will define who they are and who they will become. Will Elsa and Anna re-discover their bond of sistery-sisterhood? Will Arendelle be forever trapped in a winter colder than Ann Coulter’s vagina? Will Kanye West ever be in love with anyone other than Kanye West?

No, the answer to that last one is no.
No, the answer to that last one is no.

A Toast

The voice talent in Frozen was nipple-flickin’ good, puckered up with icy wonder; from the spoken to the singing, the badassery onscreen was, much like my favorite vodka, absolute. Special shout-out to Josh Gad, who voiced Olaf the Snowman, with sheer brilliance and magnificent heartwarming-ery (fuck you guys, I’ll make up words and YOU’LL GODDAMN LIKE IT). The strength of this showed in that the lamest of songs (hit-and-miss to adult ears) were, at the very least, enjoyable to listen to; even if some of the lyrics made me wanna take an ice-pick to the cerebellum.

Your judgment tastes like spray cheese and regret.
Your judgment tastes like spray cheese and regret.

Also of note, even though the 3D was highly unnecessary (save your money and splurge on that festive leather holiday onesie you’ve been eyeballing), the visuals in Frozen were superbly crafted and executed with pinpoint precision and purpose. Don’t forget to look for the “Hidden Mickeys” as you enjoy the Betty White of animated kid flicks (kickass and shockingly cool).

Betty White is my spirit animal.
Betty White is my spirit animal.

And best of all? The throwback vibe to the classic Disney of whore, I mean yore, I mean whore. Frozen was suspenseful, at times even dark, and had moments of villany that took me by surprise. Then again, my sister used to make me shit a brick by lurking around corners and doorways to pop out and scare me so, you know, not that hard to do. Also, unrelated, my sister is kind of a dick. With echoes of betrayal, alongside tongue-in-cheek urbane humor, Frozen is the perftit, I mean perfect, I mean perftit, movie to park yourself and those broken condoms in front of this holiday season.

Condoms… Because children are harder to throw away.
Condoms… Because children are harder to throw away.

Beer Two

For what it was, a family-oriented, holiday fuckfest of  animated song-and-dancery, Frozen was almost flawless… Almost. Looking at this through the extra-special “try-and-give-a-fuck-o-scope” I use with children’s movies bumped it up from a Three Beer film to a Two Beer movie (but failed to push it all the way up to A Toast). The whack-a-mole plot holes in Frozen were impossible to ignore, even considering the target audience; no, no, look over there for a minute, kids… AND NOW IT’S THREE YEARS LATER! Hahaha, no don’t worry about those main characters! Leaving an audience of children to piece together plot holes on their powers of deduction alone is totally legit. Have you seen toddler’s powers of deduction? They rival those of Courtney Love.

I can count to potato!
I can count to potato!

And when Frozen wasn’t leaving you to piece together gaping plot holes on your own, it was shoving a “love can conquer all” theme down your throat. My gag reflex is almost non-existent (get at this, gentlemen) but I still felt the vomit welling up in my soul at a few of these gems. I may have sprained both my eyeballs rolling them at one point (my dog evolved thumbs and is typing this for me as we speak). Here are a few of the breast, I mean best, I mean breast, examples of what I managed to remember despite heavy intoxication and snorting bleach:

“Only an act of true love can thaw a frozen heart.” – Pabbie/Grandpa

“Perhaps true love’s kiss?” -Olaf

“Some people are worth melting for.”-Olaf

I’m not saying it isn’t an entirely appropriate theme, even an expected one in Disney films; just maybe give it a subtle wank instead of a jackhammer tug next time, eh? Yeah, because what children’s film review is “complete” without at least two hand-job references… First class ticket to hell? Don’t mind if I do.

You sure can! At least that’s what my Professor told me behind the Wendy’s Dumpster.
You sure can! At least that’s what my Professor told me behind the Wendy’s Dumpster.

Last Call: Stay all the way through the post-film credits for an extra special treat! Sadly, no, not surprise blowjobs from the cast of Magic Mike, but still worth it.

Verdict

2beers

Much like a one-night-stand charming enough to weasel breakfast out of you, you could do worse than throwing this bitch a bone.

One-Night-Stands… THEY CAN GO EITHER WAY.
One-night-stands… THEY CAN GO EITHER WAY.

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever motherfuckers burst into song and/or dance.

Do a Shot: every time the trolls show up/you see or hear about carrots.

Take a Drink: whenever Elsa can’t control blowing her magical load. Bonus Sip: anytime Elsa uses her powers.

Do a Shot: for each Hidden Mickey you spot. Take Two: if you’re the last one to see it.

Take a Drink: every time Anna goes full-spaz.

Shotgun a Beer: for when a frigid bitch unthaws… Literally.

About Felix Felicis

Filled with smart-assed sass and armed with the expletives to prove it, Felix Felicis is a critic adrift in a sea of dirty thoughts and tawdry humor. If you see her float by, toss Felix some beef jerky and a taser. She'll take it from there.

6 comments

  1. Seriously, somebody either teach this POS to actually write, OR make it just go AWAY. Stop giving it any sort of forum to be heard. To paraphrase… “fucking idiot.”

    • You’re absolutely right, sir, I cede to you the cinematic
      arena as your wit and charm will surely put mine to shame. Warmest regards.

    • Sir, your vagina is showing. Grow some balls… Some of us enjoy her sparkling euphemisms and charismatic tone behind her witty sexual nature.

      *yahtzee jerk off motion.

    • Hey friend, did you miss the turn on the way to Entertainment Weekly? If you’re looking for bland, humorless reviews I suggest you go there. Now go pop a Midol.

  2. The fuck did I just read? This review is insane but genius. I’m still seething over the terrible wolf of Wall Street review. This review appeared full of itself but it is backed with loads of substance. Wicked great review. More please!

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