Take a Drink: whenever Charles Dance gets paycheck stuck in his teeth
Take a Drink: for CGI monstrosities
Take a Drink: for buffoonery
Take a Drink: for historical name-dropping
Take a Drink: whenever somebody flies through the air
Take a Drink: for semi-religious gibberish
Do a Shot: whenever you realize this film was built for (terrible) 3D
Bonus Blackout Round: choose one of: wigs, chalk, didgeridoo (?), or gold coins
By: Henry J. Fromage (Two Beers) –
There are movies I watch because I hope that they are genuinely good movies, and there are movies I watch because they are genuinely bad movies. Take a gander at this trailer and guess which of these applies to Forbidden Empire.
I’ll keep the plot description simple. An English scientist guy ends up somewhere Eastern European in a town terrorized by real, errr… not real, errr… real? monsters. A bunch of dodgy CGI ensues.
Director Oleg Stepchenko is able to create a couple impressively hellish tableaus, and I dug the Slavic fairytale angle. There’s some awesome facial hair. Lastly, even James Gunn would be impressed by the nasty grotesqueries.
Aww, I want one.
Uggh… steampunk. What an overly complicated way to announce you want to be punched in the teeth. Also, the CGI is dodgier than Vince Vaughn’s career. That, unfortunately, works on two levels now.
Uggh… dubbing. I get and am even happy that nearly everyone but the shoehorned in, blatantly vacation home-shopping Charles Dance and “star” Jason Flemyng is Russian, but Google Translate is not capable of translating your script, guys. On the flip side, all the expository dialogue is pretty handy, because I have no idea what the hell is going on in this plot.
This either really happened or was an ethyl alcohol hallucination. Not even the movie is sure.
Give it a rest before you break something, score.
The humor… it hurts. It’s broad as the River Nile, and deep as the Aral Sea.
There’s water there… somewhere.
Much funnier is how this was clearly shot with 3D in mind. That was a tad optimistic…
The women in this story are either pure evil (one character actually says “All women are witches”) or unbelievably stupid, except for one exception. Of course, for most of the movie we assume she can’t talk, until the plot lets her in a cheesily climactic moment, of course.
Pirates of the Caribbean has caused so much pain and suffering… Anyway, Forbidden Empire lived down to my expectations, which is precisely why I recommend you watch it… with a six pack or two.