Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: each time Ana bites her lip or Christian doesn’t let her touch him.

Take a Sip: whenever Ana gets naked and/or pants like Seabiscuit.

Take a Shot: anytime Christian pops up unexpectedly where Ana is.

Take a Drink: whenever Ana orally fixates (hint: Grey pencil) and Christian penetrates a lock… Literally.

Take a Drink: for every time Ana and Christian argue about romance, dating, or trust.

Take a Shot: for every shot of Christian staring at Ana without speaking.

Shotgun a Beer: when shit gets “Fifty Shades of Fucked Up.”

Community Review

How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Movie Review

She Said: Welcome back to a very special The Felix-Ripjaw Debate Presents: Fifty Shades of Grey. Once in a blue moon, or whenever we can talk our editor into yet another bad decision, we get the green light to Debate a movie. But not any movie. No, not just ANY movie will do. We look for the same qualities in a Debate movie as we would in a one-night-stand. Can we mock it? Check. Will it make us die inside? Check. Will we need to get hammered to make it through the night? Check. We jumped on this grenade so that you, our dearest readery readers, wouldn’t have to. Also we were promised our body weight in nachos. Cheers, motherfuckers.

WE VOLUNTEER (KIND OF) AS TRIBUTE.
WE VOLUNTEER (KIND OF) AS TRIBUTE.

He Said: My conversation at the box office started the night off on a roll:

Box Office Girl: Hey! What would you like to see?

Me: God help me… Fifty Shades.

Box Office Girl: One ticket or two?

Me: … One.

Box Office Girl: I like your style.

She Said: That’s on par with the woman who violated the one-seat-buffer rule and sat down next to me, reeking of gasoline, and had her phone on stabbing my eyes with light throughout every preview before I leaned over and whispered “put your goddamned phone away or I’ll fucking light you on fire.” Her charred corpse is still in my trunk and I’m gonna need an alibi, bro.

-Me, after every decision I’ve ever made.

He Said: Fifty Shades of Grey follows Bella Swan Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) as a college student and English Literature major commissioned by her sick roommate, and journalism major, Kate (Eloise Mumford) to take her place in interviewing reclusive vampire billionaire Edward Cullen Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). Because women in their 50’s don’t give a shit about actual character development and romance, Grey takes an immediate liking to Ana, but tells her to stay away… Then buys her first editions of classic literature because that’s what guys do now apparently. Then I think they bang. After taking her virginity, Grey reveals to Ana that he’s into being a dominant, which involves controlling every aspect of a girl’s life and is pretty much a classy adult version of a high-school boyfriend. Ana is skeptical but Christian is way hot and super rich so they do it.

She Said: That sounds about right. Then following the bang-watched-’round-the-globe Christian and Ana immediately turn into self-centered douchebees starving the world of oxygen that could be spent on Nobel Laureates and push and pull each other to their mental, physical, and emotional limits in the pursuit of an inexplicable and incomprehensible love that may or may not destroy them both (not to mention our failing livers and fragile psyches).

Let me sum it up:

Christian: DON’T TOUCH ME I’M SENSITIVE AND WOUNDED.

Ana: *bites lip*

Fuck this movie. Fuck this movie so much.

A Toast

He Said: Um… It wasn’t as bad as being in an actual relationship? Also, the cinematography was occasionally not very boring.

She Said: Uhhh a couple of the trailers before the film were kind of cool. The soundtrack didn’t totally suck. I definitely didn’t get stabbed in the parking lot.

Still a better time than 50 Shades.
Still a better time than Fifty Shades.

Beer Two

He Said: Ah, sex. Such a magical thing, so full of passion, sometimes anger and regret, and occasionally love.

She Said: You’ve just described the exact relationship I have with my pizza delivery guy.

He Said: What sex is NOT is two panting, dead-eyed adults crudely mashing themselves together like some kid trying to make his Boba Fett and Green Ranger action figures do the Special Daddy and Mommy Hug. Fifty Shades of Grey features the worst, most un-arousing sex scenes I’ve ever watched, onscreen OR in real life.

She Said: Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan were like two roofied mannequins banging all the right parts together in all the wrong ways. I’ve seen sedated hamsters have sex with more enthusiasm (what happens in Mexico, stays in Mexico).

He Said: And HOLY ERECT NIPPLES BATMAN.

She Said: My own nips cringed in sympathy pain.

He Said: Ana’s nips are indeed harder than those of George Clooney in Batman & Robin, thrusting out of the screen in an aggressive fashion. It’s impossible to look away from those nipples. I don’t even like nipples and I couldn’t close my eyes.

She Said: Those nipples haunt my dreams. Wait. Nightmares. Nightmares are dreams you don’t want.

He Said: If this movie was in 3D, people would have died. 

Fifty Shades: Killing dreams and boners since 2015.

Beer Three

He Said: Director Sam Taylor-Johnson knows that the dialogue is bad in the film. She knows that the lines have no drive whatsoever, and you can see it in how the scenes are blocked, particularly in the excruciating office interview scene, in which Grey awkwardly walks around his desk and sits in different chairs several times. The whole mystery surrounding the reason why he’s a dominant (“I’m Fifty Shades of Fucked Up”) is danced around in a way that might be compelling if someone actually competent was writing the dialogue.

She Said: I started writing down the worst dialogue to reference later and when I ran out of paper I realized I was basically transcribing the whole movie. When Fifty Shades wasn’t dropping monochromatic melodrama on your ass, it was ramping up the tension to a tepid temperature with lines so underwhelming it practically didn’t blow your mind.

Here are a few that made the Hall Of Dishonor:

“I don’t make love… I fuck. Hard.” -Christian

Also

“I’d like to fuck you into the middle of next week.” -Christian

Sidenote: whenever Jamie Dornan said the word “fuck” it was toddler-swearing-for-the-first-time believable.

“Where have you been?” -Christian

“Waiting.” -Ana

JUST FUCKING KILL ME.

“I’m not what you want.” -Christian

“You’re everything I want. I’ve fallen in love with you.” -Ana

“No, you can’t love me.” -Christian

-Kelly Marcel, screenplay writer to Fifty Shades.

Beer Four

He Said: Have you ever taken a bath with someone you hated?

She Said: It was the 90’s. A lot of shit went down back in the day.

He Said: Could I have possibly worded that question more poorly?

She Said: Words hard sentence not structure much happy ferrets?

He Said: The bathtub scene in Fifty Shades of Grey is a hilarious example of what fans have been worried about since the start of the promotional campaign for the movie: Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson hate each other. They’ve done an awful thing and they know it.

If you look in the dictionary under the word “awkward” there’s just a link to this .gif

He Said: In the book, Ana passionately sucks Grey’s dick in the bathtub. In the movie, Ana uncomfortably leans back against Grey and they just sorta sit there for a minute.

She Said: And by sit there you mean looked like someone had a gun trained on them, forcing the pair to complete the sce- hey I just figured out how they got the movie finished.

He Said: In the book, Grey whips Ana in a poorly-written yet mildly amusing scene. In the movie, Grey has a dead look in his eyes that makes Eric Bana in Hulk look like he won the lottery, and the fact that the lottery, sexual tension/chemistry, and a giant muscular green man that smashes stuff can all exist in the same thought is an instantly more fascinating idea than anything here. I mean, even fucking Winter’s Tale had some chemistry between the lead actors.

She Said: I never finished Winter’s Tale due to epic shittiness but Eric Bana, worst of all the Hulks, blew this disastrous duo out of the water in all of the above. There wasn’t just a lack of authentic chemistry, there was a negative space that sucked so hard in Fifty Shades where the chemistry should have been that it ripped a hole in the space/time continuum and Fifty Shades Darker fell out. It’s an all-but-open-secret that the sequel’s already been greenlit. Fifty Shades of Grey is why Skynet happens and I’m not even mad about it.

Looks like the Terminators learned how to talk from 50 Shades.
Looks like the Terminators learned how to talk from Fifty Shades.

Beer Five

He Said: I’m not sure why exactly I was surprised that a movie based on a repurposed Twilight erotic fan fiction ended up being laboriously paced.

She Said: Were you high? I have trouble thinking when I’m-LOOK A PUPPY AND GORILLA ARE FRIENDS ON YOUTUBE.

He Said: The pacing for Fifty Shades was indeed painful, and not in the sexy way.

She Said: What’s sexy painful? Who taught you the sex? Bro, we need to talk.

He Said: Eurgh… Anyway… It just drags on, lazing from one scene to another like the dozens of dejected men filing into the theater with their wives and girlfriends.

She Said: Fifty Shades was slower and more painful to watch than Kim Kardashian trying to do math, or talk, or breathe. I just sat there hoping for early-onset dementia to kick in and take these memories first.

That works too.

Beer Six

He Said: The novel Fifty Shades of Grey attempts to be lightly comedic here and there, but is mostly a heavy erotic drama. The film Fifty Shades of Grey spends its first hour toying conspicuously with outrageous self-parody, and its second hour being relentlessly dark and dramatic, again to the point of melodrama. And with Ana cracking a joke every five minutes, you’d think that the film would have a good sense of humor about her dating a sadist that throws a pity party almost as often as he stalks her across the country, but instead it tries to paint Grey as a deep, wounded hopeless romantic who doesn’t know it. This movie has a worse identity crisis than an Alzheimer’s patient with Dissociative Identity Disorder in the witness protection program that used to be a sleeper agent.

She Said: Dude, I would watch that show. But no joke the tone was more spastic than a herd of gerbils hopped up on crystal meth flipping from dark drama to more light-hearted comedic fare and back again (not to mention stalking is the new black; all the cool billionaire sadists are doing it). Even die-hard fans were laughing along with me at some of the more melodramatic fails in the film and the mother-daughter duo to my right (because nothing says family bonding than bondage porn) were less-than-blown-away saying to each other after the credits rolled “well it wasn’t that bad” and “it kind of grew on you.”

Still a better idea than watching Fifty Shades.

Verdict

He Said: An insufferably stupid erotic film. Any author or screenwriter at the end of their rope because they know that they’ll never be good enough to be published or produced, can use Fifty Shades of Grey to know they are good enough. You are good enough, writer! Even if you suck, which you might if your self-esteem is that low, you can know that since something like this has been released to the masses, you have hope. And even if you do get rejected by everyone, at least you can know that your boo probably loves you. And if your relationship is even creepier than the one portrayed here, at least one of you probably has some sort of personality. And if you’re single, at least you have alcohol.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

She Said: Literally one of the stupidest films I’ve ever watched and hands-down the worst Lifetime movie ever made. Not porny enough to be porn, not romantic enough to be a romance, not dramatic enough to be a drama, Fifty Shades of Grey is the female infant abandoned on a hilltop in China of cinema. I’ve seen more authentic chemistry in YouPorn gangbangs (hey-some of those donkey punch you right in the feels) and, like the worst game of telephone ever, from the Twilight Saga to the Fifty Shades novel to the film adaptation, each (de)evolution of the material gets us one step closer to Idiocracy actually happening. Easily already on my Top Ten Worst Films Of 2015.

a6packbeer

About Hawk Ripjaw

4 comments

  1. So this was worse than The Host. Congrats to filmmakers (I use that term loosely) for doing the impossible.

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