The Fifth Element (1997)

The Fifth Element (1997)
The Fifth Element (1997) DVD/Blu-Ray

By: Felix Felicis (A Toast) –
 How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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This is.

My favorite movie.

Of all time.

OF. ALL. TIME.

Oh hey, guys, did I tell you that The Fifth Element is my favorite movie of all time? Yes? Good. We can proceed with the shameless pandering to the brilliance that is this SciFi gem. Sixteen years after this movie was made, it’s still not only relevant but breaking ground for what SciFi should aspire toward. From the tiniest moments of humor to the largest scenery-scape, this 127 minute cinematic orgasm will blow your hair back, even by today’s standards. Put your reading pants on, Boozers, because this Toast might take awhile.

The pinnacle of lounge-wear… I MUST HAVE ONE.
The pinnacle of lounge-wear… I MUST HAVE ONE.

The Fifth Element follows retired ex-soldier, Korben Dallas, as he goes through the motions of a fairly shitty life before the perfect woman with the most epic emotional baggage falls into his lap… Literally. They join forces to save the galaxy against an evil planet with a bad attitude hell-bent on destroying all existence. With barely any time for hugs and cuddles (and only one musical number) the duo, a couple of priests, and an intergalactic disc jockey race to assemble the perfect weapon in time to save the world… and the weapon itself.

A Toast

Filled with stunning visuals, rich imagery, and action galore, this movie manages to capture an irrepressible sense of fun, along with enough seriousness to balance everything out without dragging the film down. The costuming was sublime in this cinematic juggernaut because the master of couture himself, Jean Paul Gaultier, was responsible for the entire wardrobe. Gaultier was so far ahead of the times THEN that the film manages to convey a futuristic air even now, so many years after it was made. Sleek, sexy, and literally out-of-this-world, Gaultier created a visual tapestry stitch-by-stitch that vaulted this film into a stratosphere of style that we’d be lucky to reach today.

Bet she’s no stranger to flying a BO(E)IIINNNG!!
Bet she’s no stranger to flying a BO(E)IIINNNG!!

The musical score in The Fifth Element takes you from portentous to ominous to humorous without missing a beat (forgive me, I know not what I pun) and manages to capture the mood onscreen perfectly, without distracting from the experience as a whole. The superb juxtaposition between Plava Laguna’s aria and an action sequence made it one of the most enjoyable scenes in the film to watch.

The characters in this movie were also dead-on, from the ancillary to the major players, each had depth and breadth enough to make them both believable and entirely engaging. In particular, Milla Jovovich, in one of her first feature films (before becoming the global poster girl for badass action heroines) was a dynamic force onscreen. From The Ultimate Being in The Fifth Element, to Zombie Slayer Extraordinaire in the Resident Evil franchise, to Vampire Vixen Mercenary in Ultraviolet, this buxom babe has made a career out of being perfect. Jovovich exudes otherworldly beauty in this movie, and brings innocence, humor, despair and hope into her character… All wrapped up in tits and ass that can KICK your ass. Not only would I pitch-hit for this bitch in a hot minute, I’d do unspeakable things just for the chance at it.

fifth scenery
Bondage Troll Barbie… Helping inspire erections since 1997.

Kudos also to Bruce Willis (for his gritty anti-hero-with-a-heart) and Chris Tucker (the bastard child of Prince and RuPaul-for sweating sheer hilarity every second he had onscreen). This movie is what happens nine months after Die Hard and Independence Day get super wasted and have unprotected sex (and is a masterful example of a fun SciFi romp where, just like Goldilocks, it’s not too light, not too dark, and will always hit the spot because it’s juuuuuust right).

Verdict

AToast-150x150

The Fifth Element is the perfect date movie, action extravaganza, and/or guys night in. With something for everyone, this magnificent motherfucker doesn’t disappoint. On any level.

majestic

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every squished sonofabitch hiding in Korben’s apartment.

Take a Sip: anytime you hear the words “perfect”, “paradise”, “boom”, “big”, “fifth element” and/or “supreme being”.

Do a Shot: every time someone pops a brain bleed.

Take a Drink: whenever Ruby Rhod screams like a little bitch, freaks out, sobs and/or shoos someone away.

Take a Drink: each time Korben’s mother calls to guilt trip the shit out of him.

Shotgun a Beer: when evil is defeated using the most kickass Care Bear Stare ever.

Bonus Irish Car Bomb: when saving the world finally gets Space Cowboy some ass.

About Felix Felicis

Filled with smart-assed sass and armed with the expletives to prove it, Felix Felicis is a critic adrift in a sea of dirty thoughts and tawdry humor. If you see her float by, toss Felix some beef jerky and a taser. She'll take it from there.

3 comments

  1. Thank you! It’s quite nice to get such lurverly feedback! 🙂

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