Eldorado (2012)

eldoradoposterBy: Henry J. Fromage (Six Pack) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Can a movie be bad enough to land the director in prison?  Just ask Richard Driscoll.  Oh, to be fair, there was a hearty dose of embezzlement and tax fraud involved, but if I was the prosecutor I sure as hell would’ve introduced Eldorado into evidence.

eldorado-dvd-cover-001

Hang him!  Hang him high!

Eldorado is a “musical” “parody” about a singing act called The Jews Brothers (I shit you not) who are booked with a stripper who just kind of disappears from the movie with no explanation (apparently Driscoll’s girlfriend who broke up with him mid-filming) to play a gig in Eldorado, which is “basically” the town from 10,000 Maniacs, or Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets Sweeney Todd’s London… whatever, cannibals.  Lots of joylessly lip-synced musical numbers, mind-numbingly atrocious “comedy”, and out of nowhere scenes of Darryl Hannah reading from her 8th grade poetry diary over recycled David Carradine clips ensue.

A Toast

This movie is incredibly entertaining.  To be honest, I’d watch this again over The King’s Speech or The English Patient any fucking day.  Also, there’s lots of boobies.

flajacks

Of varying joyousness

Beer Two

The fact that this is one of Peter O’Toole’s final appearances, and David Carradine’s de facto last bow, is just wrong.  The plot is so fucktarded that O’Toole was hired to read clarifying narration directly from the paper in what looks like his living room and literally pop in from time to time through a CGI “tear” in the screen.

Somehow even sadder than this, though, is Carradine, who gets this as his last credit even though he never shot anything for the film.  Instead, it uses footage from a 2008 miniseries and grafts it into Darryl Hannah’s green screen poetry readings using the best video editing technology 1983 had to offer.  At one point Carradine is yammering some new-agey bullshit while being reflected in a vulture’s eye while Hannah hums or somefuckingthing in the background.  It’s basically a painfully earnest, entirely un-self-aware Tim & Eric sketch.

Beer Three

The CGI and green screening is thankfully much more advanced- say 1997 or so.  And there’s SO MUCH OF IT.  The Asylum usually knows to only show its horribly rendered hydrocephalicporcusharkasaurus or whatever the monster of the week is for like 5 minutes, and that’s why nothing they’ll ever make will be so gleefully, memorably shitty as Eldorado.

Beer Four

It’s not often that the sentence “Brigitte Nielsen is too good for this” applies, but… The cast appears to be a bizarre mix of community theaterites and paycheck-seeking B-listers tired of waiting for Quentin Tarantino to answer their phone calls*.  I’ll let you guess who drags who down to who’s level.

Eldorado-Guttenberg

Hint: I’ve seen far better community theater productions than whatever the fuck Steve Guttenberg is doing here

*Yes, Michael Madsen’s in it.

Beer Five

Most embarrassingly, all of these faded stars are asked to do musical numbers, mostly stolen, *ahem*, “parodied” from The Blues Brothers.  Rather, they’re called on to do the Devil’s Karaoke while apparently being berated with directions like “HACKIER!” “NO, LESS CHARISMA, YOU BASTARD!” and “IF YOUR LIPS MATCH THE MUSIC EVEN ONCE I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR MOTHER’S THROAT WITH MY EXTREMELY BRITISH TEETH!”  Richard Driscoll must be Stanley Kubrick’s evil doppelganger judging by the anti-performances he coaxes out of this once talented cast.

Beer Six

Holy hell, I could go on and on about the non-stop Hawking-level lameness of the references, the shrill nattering nightmare that is whatever the fuck Mick Barber is supposed to be, or the leveraging of the world’s finest (only?) Johnny Depp impersonator to tell the utterly fucking nonsensical, Captain “Jake” (Finch? Titmouse?)- led origin story of the town of Eldorado, but I want to talk about Jeff Fahey’s Batman Voice.

bale-batman

Yes, that Batman Voice

I couldn’t figure out why he was talking like that until some other characters followed suit.  Considering there were earlier scenes where Driscoll & Co. apparently misplaced the audio and had to cover with music and fucking Morning Radio DJ sound effects while the characters mouthed sweet nothings into the void, I figured it out.  Driscoll had to redub more scenes, didn’t he?  And the best way he could figure out to mask this was using Christan Bale’s fucking Batman voice for everybody?  That tidbit pretty much sums up this entire production.

Verdict

Six Pack

In every objective and subjective sense of the term, Eldorado is bad.  Horribly, unbelievably, transcendentally bad.  If this is ever actually released in theaters (in glorious 3D!) I will be there Opening Night.

 

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever something’s painfully dubbed or poorly synced

Take a Drink: for every film “reference”… basically from The Blues Brothers, Tarantino, or a famous musical or slasher flick

Do a Shot: whenever a screen legend debases him or herself (sure, Darryl Hannah counts…)

Do a Shot: for every goddam musical number

 

Last Call: If you dare, stick around after the credits.

About Henry J. Fromage

Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

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