Double Dragon (1994) Movie Review: “Better Than You Imagined” Can Still Be Pretty Bad

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every time you hear “Double Dragon” or “medallion”

Take a Drink: “butthead”

Take a Drink: for video game “references”

Take a Drink: for future, err 2007, tech

Take a Drink: whenever Billy does something stupid

Do a Shot: Andy Dick would be in this

Community Review

How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

Loading...

Movie Review

By: Henry J. Fromage (Five Beers) –

When you hear “video game movie” your mind almost certainly goes to some dark places: cheesy special effects, stilted dialogue, ham-handed appeals to youth culture, outrageous overacting of the Raul Julia variety, whatever the fuck was going on in Super Mario Bros… It almost makes you wonder if it’s even possible to make a good videogame movie.

edge

Rest assured, it totally is.

Double Dragon is one of the most notorious failures in the generally sordid history of video games.  An origin story of sorts for the blue guy and red guy who karate-kick bad guys in the games, the plot is a bunch of convoluted nonsense revolving around a magical two-piece medallion, brotherly love, the dystopian 90s fashion-crazy nightmare of 2007 L.A., and Robert Patrick’s bitchin’ highlights.

A Toast

To Robert Patrick’s highlights.

patrick

Goddam, they’re glorious.

He attempts to, but cannot match their brilliance with his acting hamminess, but it’s fun to watch him try.  Nils Allen Stewart’s beefy idiot henchman is fun and kinda sad, and they blow up some things real good.  No CGI flames bullshit here.

Beer Two

The dialogue, especially coming out of obligatory hot-headed cool kid brother Billy, is wretched.  When it’s not giving exposition (the only way this is revealed), it’s full of what the early 90s thought all the cool kids sounded like.  “Eat fist, buttheads!”, indeed.

Beer Three

Now, this is clearly marketed at kids, and makes great pains to keep things light, several traumatic deaths notwithstanding, but it’s not enough of an excuse.  Let’s face it, 90s kids had fuckin’ awful taste.

90sjeans

What a tragic time to be nostalgic for.

This movie plays like a laundry list of things the early 90s thought were cool, and turned out to be the opposite- raprock, graffiti, brutal “digital effects” plastered everywhere, karate, mohawks, skateboards, Andy Dick…

Beer Four

The humor is also of a piece with what kids thought was cool at the time, i.e. tone-deaf and groan-inducing.  It’s replete with puns, fart jokes, bad slapstick, and the kind of grotesquerie that made Garbage Pail Kids a thing that exists.

Garbage-Pail-Kids-Main-Review

This should never be a think that exists.

Beer Five

I’m not even going to start on the special needs goons, the brothers’ steam-powered (?!) car, or the melding of totally rad, instantly outdated “computer graphics” and a future aesthetic stolen from The Warriors and Escape from New York.  Nope, this final beer goes to some of the limpest-wristed, widest-thrown stage punches and kicks you’ve ever seen, which is particularly sad in a movie supposedly about karate.

Verdict

I didn’t go full six pack on this because, honestly, Double Dragon‘s exactly the same high camp/cheap execution drivel as the TMNT movies, and plenty of people still claim to like those.  If you do, and are honest with yourselves, then you’ll probably like this, too.

a5Beers

About Henry J. Fromage

Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.