Diamonds are Forever (1971) Movie Review: Connery Cashes In, His Wig Cashes Out

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for shameless product placement

Take a Drink: every time diamonds are mentioned

Do a Shot: for puns and/or double entendre

Do a Shot: whenever Mr. Wint & Mr. Kidd say each other’s name

Community Review

How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Movie Review

By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Four Beers) –

Freshly returned from a successful revenge mission to kill his nemesis Blofeld, British secret agent James Bond (Sean Connery) is assigned to investigate and uncover the source of a diamond smuggling ring.  Large amounts of diamonds have disappeared, and are being stockpiled by an unknown organization, as they have not been re-entering the markets anywhere.  Bond’s fact-finding takes him from Amsterdam to Las Vegas, Nevada where he discovers yet another nefarious world-domination plot, headed by none other than Blofeld.

"No, not that Blofeld..."
No, not that Blofeld…
"Nope, not that Blofeld either..."
Nope, not that Blofeld either…
Blofeld2
Why can’t they just pick one and stick with it goddamn it!

A Toast

Following the relative box office disappointment of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, in which George Lazenby replaced Sean Connery as James Bond, Producer Albert R. “Cubby” Broccoli decided to go back to the well.  Whereas OHMSS attempted to inject more human drama and character building into the franchise, Broccoli resolved to bring Sean Connery back to the series, and to return the films to the campy tone which brought it so much success financially.

On the plus side of things, Sean Connery has returned with aplomb, and while his wig is more obvious with each passing minute, his performance is as solid as ever.  The chief flaw of OHMSS was George Lazenby’s somewhat directionless performance, which was a solid in dramatic moments, but lacked the fiery flair and cultured cool that Connery brought to the mix.

Diamonds are Forever also features perhaps my favorite evil henchman characters of the Bond franchise; Mr. Wint & Mr. Kidd (Played by Donald Glover and Putter Smith, respectively). Mr. Wint & Mr. Kidd are an inseparable couple of assassins (and implied lovers) who take cynical pleasure in their work.

MrWintKidd

No-one could accuse these characters of being realistic or grounded, but they are a hell of a lot of fun to watch. A bit of trivia for movie geeks out there; Donald Glover is actor Crispin Glover’s father

MrWint
Mr. Wint…
Crispin
Mr. Willard…

And suddenly the unsettled feeling you got from Mr. Wint’s creepy gaze makes total sense, doesn’t it?

Beer Two

A strange mix of high and low points, Diamonds are Forever divides Bond movie fans sharply (as one look at the comments section of IMDB quickly reveals). After the dour OHMSS, the decision to bring humor back to the series is certainly relieving, though this decision feels cynical, and ultimately feels like all the dramatic accomplishments of the prior film were being dismissed by its creators.

It doesn’t help that the camp level was put into overdrive.  Among the film’s campy moments is an inference to faking the moon-landing, followed by an outrageous chase in which Bond rides in a shittiest-looking moon buggy.

MoonBuggyBond
Are you f&#$ing kidding me?

Beer Three

The film bogs down horribly in the 2nd act, which feels like an increasingly inane and unconnected series of scenes without any payoff.  While Las Vegas would seemingly be the ideal place for James Bond to shine, the film steers him away from the card tables, and towards various family-friendly tourist attractions, such as in the extended Circus-Circus Casino sequence (which feels more like an advertisement than a plot device).

Beer Four

Actress Lana Wood plays Bond Girl “Plenty O’Toole”, who might be the single worst performance in a Bond film until Denise Richards’ “Christmas Jones” performance in The World is not Enough almost 30 years later. It is thankfully a short sequence, but the stilted dialogue delivery and totally dispensable nature of the film leaves an indelible impression.

Not even some glorious side-boob can save this one...
Not even some glorious side-boob can save this one…

Verdict

A more suitable title would be Diamonds are forever: or, how I learned to Stop worrying and love the Camp. Recommended for Die-Hard Bond fans only.

4Beers-300x128

Oh yes, and Jimmy Dean, the Sausage King is in this movie, playing a Howard Hughesque character…

No shit, that is in fact the Jimmy Dean
No shit, that is in fact the Jimmy Dean

About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they’re confused about something) at least a few times a week. I’ve gotten way off track here… The point is, Oberst is one of the website’s founders, so… yeah

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