Dangerous Men (2005) Movie Review: Dangerous Men are Dangerous

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every attempted sexual assault

Take a Drink: for every murder of an attempted rapist

Drink a Shot: every time the same awful synth score kicks in

Drink a Shot: for the Ass knife

Community Review

How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Movie Review

By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Six Pack) –

Dangerous Men tells the story of Mina, whose life is turned upside down when bikers murder her fiancé and attempt to rape her.  Something snaps in Mina, and she soon begins actively searching the streets for sleaze-bags that she can tempt into an attempted assault, only to murder them brutally.

Screen Shot 2015-12-20 at 4.43.30 PM
Her weapon of choice? Ass-knife

The Police investigate the murders and are hot on the trail of Mina, as well as gang leader Black Pepper, who may have had some association with Mina’s fiancé’s death.

Editor’s Note: “may”

A Toast

Allegedly 26 years in the making, Dangerous Men was created by Iranian filmmaker John S. Rad, whose goal was to create the ultimate experience in action and suspense filmmaking, a film that would be infinitely re-watchable. In this regard he succeeds, as Dangerous Men is something to behold… Perhaps not in the way you might expect.

Beer Two

For starters, the editing is completely erratic, scenes flash in and out with little regard for coherence, and music cues rarely have any resemblance to screen logic. As an example, the film’s focus seems to be on Mina and her murderous rampage, but roughly halfway through begins to focus on a police investigation of gang leader “Black Pepper”, who is not referenced beforehand in any way whatsoever.

Black Pepper: Albino night stalker
Black Pepper: Albino night stalker

Beer Three

The second victim of Mina’s rage is Not John Cleese, a British man who she hitchhikes with. Mina falls asleep in the car, and Not John Cleese wastes no time deciding that she’s gotta be raped.  This is because in the world of Dangerous Men all men are likely rapists…

Screen Shot 2015-12-20 at 4.44.26 PM
Not John Cleese: pictured above attempting to prove his parrot is only resting..

And when Mina gets the best of Not John Cleese, she makes him strip down, and sends him walking aimlessly through the desert in a sequence played for comedic effect, and which eventually gets the better of Not John Cleese’s sanity.

Screen Shot 2015-12-20 at 4.45.59 PM
This has no relevance to the plot… if there is a plot…

Beer Four

It is bad enough that the prop guns in Dangerous Men are mostly black-painted water pistols.  But did the director have to cut to an extreme close-up of this?

Call the Police Cops!
Call the Police Cops!

Beer Five

We are then introduced to Black Pepper, the Biker gang leader who hires gypsies to dance for him and his girlfriend at his house, to put him in the mood.

Screen Shot 2015-12-20 at 4.48.21 PM
This goes on for about 2 unbroken, awkward minutes…

Following an incredibly lengthy belly-dancing session, Black Pepper and his girl begin the world’s most fascinating dry-humping session.  I say this from a purely clinical perspective, as the sex scene is nothing if not a study in how not to perform in bed…

Albino Chewbacca is sexier than I remember
Chewbacca is whiter than I remember…

Beer Six

As leader of a biker gang of rape-thugs, you’d think that Black Pepper would be able to hold his own in a fight, but when Police Chief Not-Stan Lee is on the case, no criminal mastermind is too cunning…

Police Chief Not-Stan Lee
Police Chief Not-Stan Lee

Upon being cornered by the police, Black Pepper wanders into the home of a blind woman, who manages to hold him off with a gun long enough for police to arrive, arrest him, and freeze-frame for the closing credits.

Verdict

With a plot that is nearly incomprehensible, performances which border on the absurd, and editing/direction that is absolutely incoherent, you’d think Dangerous Men would be a hard movie to watch.  In truth, the results are something magical, the kind of failure that has to be seen to be believed, and will have you laughing for ages.

Six Pack

About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they’re confused about something) at least a few times a week. I’ve gotten way off track here… The point is, Oberst is one of the website’s founders, so… yeah

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