By: Henry J. Fromage (Six Pack) –
Poor, poor HalleBerry. Some folks chase the EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony) in their career, but the true exclusive Hollywood club is those chosen few who have been nominated for both an Oscar and a Razzie. And HalleBerry is one of the hallowed few who have had the indigstinction (shamecomplishment?) of winning both. Catwoman was the film responsible for one of those.
I’ll let you guess which
Catwoman is about a mild-mannered fashion designer/artiste who gets mixed up in a Scooby-Doo mystery and toilet flushed to death. No worries, though, as magical cats resurrect her so she can alternate saving people, stealing shiny things cause that’s totally a cat habit, and taking down the Avon lady from hell.
Halle got her Razzie, but you can’t say she didn’t commit to the role. He earnestness is almost sad to see, but at least she’s not De Niro-ing it. Also, I have to admit I liked Alex Borstein’s comic relief performance for the most part.
Man, that voice sounds familiar…
So many questions! Why does the cat lady/Halle Berry’s mentor live in the house from Up? Is that really what the director thinks a gay person acts like? Is that Bud Lite alleyway product placement the saddest ever (Yes). And how can you not afford real water or real cats, or why else would you choose to render them in shitty CGI? Actually, I hear that last one’s because you can’t get real cats to stay in the same room as Berry. They all run howling away or attempt to claw her for some reason.
This is not going to end well…
About that CGI… fuck it’s bad. The way CGI Catwoman leaps around all unnatural and possessed-like is pure nightmare fuel. And you know while you’re trapped in the throes of night terrors that painful wanna-be Destiny’s Child you-go-girl soundtrack will be playing in the background.
“What a purrrfect idea…” there are more cat puns in this than the entire run of Heathcliff, and forcing Hally Berry to do all that degrading cat “comedy” is more abusive than a ‘roided up David Justice.
You just know Chris Brown is a Yankees fan
What’s a strong female character without a man in her life to save her occasionally and/or have an extremely bland, chemistry-less romance with? Fun Fact: Benjamin Bratt turned to stone halfway through the filming of Catwoman. They shot the rest of his scenes, but he hasn’t been cast in a moment since (although his agent totally blew it when he ignored Summit’s incessant calls about Twilight).
This is what happens when you tell a French debut director to put something “urban” in his movie.
This is what Ronald Reagan’s nightmares looked like
Honestly, this probably doesn’t deserve to be in the conversation of worst movies ever, but it’s nonetheless terrible.
Take a Drink: for every cat you see. Pay attention during the opening credits- they’ll blow your mind
Take a Drink: whenever Halle Berry uses CGI powers to do something retarded-looking
Do a Shot: whenever Berry does a cat thing. Oh, the hilarity.