Catwoman (2004)

Catwoman (2004)
Catwoman (2004) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Henry J. Fromage (Six Pack) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Poor, poor HalleBerry.  Some folks chase the EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony) in their career, but the true exclusive Hollywood club is those chosen few who have been nominated for both an Oscar and a Razzie.  And HalleBerry is one of the hallowed few who have had the indigstinction (shamecomplishment?) of winning both.  Catwoman was the film responsible for one of those.

catwoman1

I’ll let you guess which

Catwoman is about a mild-mannered fashion designer/artiste who gets mixed up in a Scooby-Doo mystery and toilet flushed to death.  No worries, though, as magical cats resurrect her so she can alternate saving people, stealing shiny things cause that’s totally a cat habit, and taking down the Avon lady from hell.

A Toast

Halle got her Razzie, but you can’t say she didn’t commit to the role.  He earnestness is almost sad to see, but at least she’s not De Niro-ing it.  Also, I have to admit I liked Alex Borstein’s comic relief performance for the most part.

FamilyGuy

Man, that voice sounds familiar…

Beer Two

So many questions!  Why does the cat lady/Halle Berry’s mentor live in the house from Up?  Is that really what the director thinks a gay person acts like?  Is that Bud Lite alleyway product placement the saddest ever (Yes).  And how can you not afford real water or real cats, or why else would you choose to render them in shitty CGI?  Actually, I hear that last one’s because you can’t get real cats to stay in the same room as Berry.  They all run howling away or attempt to claw her for some reason.

Catwoman2

This is not going to end well…

Beer Three

About that CGI… fuck it’s bad.  The way CGI Catwoman leaps around all unnatural and possessed-like is pure nightmare fuel.  And you know while you’re trapped in the throes of night terrors that painful wanna-be Destiny’s Child you-go-girl soundtrack will be playing in the background.

Beer Four

“What a purrrfect idea…” there are more cat puns in this than the entire run of Heathcliff, and forcing Hally Berry to do all that degrading cat “comedy” is more abusive than a ‘roided up David Justice.

15837_Justice-David-Christopher

You just know Chris Brown is a Yankees fan

Beer Five

What’s a strong female character without a man in her life to save her occasionally and/or have an extremely bland, chemistry-less romance with?  Fun Fact: Benjamin Bratt turned to stone halfway through the filming of Catwoman.  They shot the rest of his scenes, but he hasn’t been cast in a moment since (although his agent totally blew it when he ignored Summit’s incessant calls about Twilight).

Beer Six

This is what happens when you tell a French debut director to put something “urban” in his movie.

This is what Ronald Reagan’s nightmares looked like

Verdict

Six Pack

Honestly, this probably doesn’t deserve to be in the conversation of worst movies ever, but it’s nonetheless terrible.

 

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every cat you see.  Pay attention during the opening credits- they’ll blow your mind

Take a Drink: whenever Halle Berry uses CGI powers to do something retarded-looking

Do a Shot: whenever Berry does a cat thing.  Oh, the hilarity.

About Henry J. Fromage

Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

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