Take a Drink: if you’d rather be playing an Epi-pen injecting game right about now.
Take a Drink: when someone says “cookie”, “cookies”, or a cookie is on screen
Down a 32 oz: when J. Lo heads to Noah’s basement. Just chug it, fill up again, and repeat.
Drink a Shot: anytime the Old Man shows up and is old
By: Oberst Von Berauscht, Hawk Ripjaw, Bill Leon, Bill Arceneaux, Jake Turner (Six Pack) –
Welcome to Movieboozer’s first Gangbang review. (Thanks to Felix Felicis for the name). Gangbang Reviews are written by multiple contributors all weighing in on the film.
Jennifer Lopez is a classical Literature Teacher
Jennifer Lopez is a classical Literature Teacher. After a one-night stand with her next-door neighbor Noah (Ryan Guzman), J. Lo abruptly calls for an end to the affair, dismissing her attraction as a moment of weakness. As it turns out, Noah doesn’t see things this way, and begins inserting himself into every part of her life. First, he befriends her son Kevin, and begins turning him against his dad (owing to his infidelities). Next, he hacks into J. Lo’s computer and forges an email in order be placed in her literature class. Oh, did we forget to say that Noah is 19 years old?
Events escalate violently as Noah’s psychopathic nature is revealed.
Hawk: For all we know, Paul Verhoeven could have ghost directed this movie and no one would have known the difference.
Bill A.: And, for all we know, teenage boys will have fun pumping out “ghost loads” into their popcorn bags.
Bill L.: This was a drunken barrel of laughs for me. Have you ever seen that Lifetime movie where Zach Morris date rapes chicks in college? This was like that.
Jake: Dying to Belong
Bill L.: No it was *googles* She Cried N0, but it wasn’t for Lifetime it was for NBC.
Jake: In the 90’s. NBC had great ratings on a few nights but Monday. When Dateline NBC wasn’t on, they would throw on these cheap teen dramas where teen stars were hanging on to their fame. This was their key to survive.
Oberst: There’s a definite Verhoeven vibe to this, but bad Verhoeven… as if Verhoeven left this story on the shelf because he thought Showgirls was a more promising subject.
Hawk: The crazy old-school erotica vibe had me more giddy than…
Jake: Than a kid rushing home to watch Saved by the Bell on TBS?
Bill A: … than a school boy wanking it in a movie theate- man, do I have a one track mind today?
Oberst: This was like Skinemax, but 20 years after those movies were relevant.
Oberst: The famed director of Alex Cross… you just don’t cross him, now do you?
Bill A: I’ve been making this “movie” seem like a jerk off fest (which it kinda is), but worse than that, it’s a Rob Cohen directed film.
Bill L: We get tonal shifts and about three different genres fighting to see which one this movie actually falls under.
Jake: He’s a Master of destructio
Bill A: Gentlemen, what’s the difference between one of those public jerk-off fests and Rob Cohen as a filmmaker?
Hawk: Rob Cohen is like a Michael Bay half chub.
Bill A: I don’t think that Cohen is even in Bay’s league – where Bay is certainly exploitative of young people’s bodies, Cohen (at least here) is straight up soft-core porno. So… Bay is on the moral high ground. Like Obi Wan Kenobi.
Bill L: Wasn’t this based on a Twilight fan fiction they retooled to sell as a series of borderline pornographic novels? No? That’s Fifty Shades of Gray? What is the difference! *rimshot*
Hawk: Bill, please. I don’t want to be thinking about #50Shades right now
Hawk: What do you get when a former esteemed lawyer hits a midlife crisis?
Oberst: A half chub?
Bill A: Either a gun… and some whiskey for that “rainy day” or Ryan Guzman’s smooth behind?
Jake: Barbara Curry’s screenplay is filled with laughable one-liners dashed with Cohen’s audition to be the next great soft-core filmmaker. It was incredibly heavy-handed.
Bill A: I’d rather watch Tim Curry’s The Boy Next Door.
Bill L: … It’s STIMULATIN
Oberst: To give Ms. Curry credit, though, we all learned something from this film. Four years of law school apparently don’t include creative writing classes.
Jake: Can we please talk about how awful Guzman was as the villain?
Bill L: … Luis Guzman is in this picture???
Oberst: Luis Guzman playing a 19 year old kid who bangs J. Lo? OSCAR GOLD.
Hawk: LUIS GUZMAN EL MOVIE HELPER?
Bill A: … that casting would’ve made this a Spanish Novella of sorts. But we’re talking about Ryan Guzman here. Ryan is a knock off Dave Franco – not something you want to be.
Hawk: Someday, someone close to his 30s will accurately play a 19-year old. Alas, this is not that case.
Jake: After you see this movie, you will believe that Step Up: All In is his best film and Pretty Little Liars was his best performanc
Oberst: Ryan Guzman was discovered based on his audition for the upcoming 50 Shades of Grey movie. So you know this is quality.
Bill A: A B-Movie Taylor Lautner. Wait, let me rephrase – Taylor Lautner period.
Oberst: As anyone who has read my review of Lautner’s magnum opus Abduction knows, Taylor Lautner is my favorite subject to Taylor Lautner about.
Bill A: The set design was something else. Remember the crunchy yellow pillow in Guzman’s basement, among the many pics of J-Lo?
Hawk: What was the deal with the secret cot in the basement anyway? There weren’t even any mirrors for him to stare at his own dick.
Bill A: Uh… do you know something that we don’t know, Chris?
Hawk: And yet, he can’t secure his shit on a MacBook.
Jake: How was it so remarkably easy to find the evil plan of this child, when all of his actions were blatantly on the desktop for J. Lo to “discover” everything
Bill A: He’s the masturbato
Oberst: He may as well have had a program on his desktop titled “My Rapey Master Plan”.
Hawk: I know. It’s because the charger for the MacBook was in the secret basement room. Sometimes you gotta make decisions.
Bill A: Rob Cohen and the screenwrit
Hawk: On top of everything else, the movie also features plot holes so large you could drive Guzman’s presumably huge cock through them.
Oberst: You seem deeply focused on the male anatomy Hawk.
Hawk: You’re not?
Oberst: Only on Sundays. That’s the Lord’s Day. (The Lord is my nickname for my-)
Bill A: Um.. So… Teachers have police jurisdicti
Bill L: Somebody made Jerri Blank principal of a high school? Inconceiva
Oberst: What kind of school district in the 2010’s doesn’t call the cops when a student beats another kid’s skull in?
Jake: Where were the parents of that kid? He almost died? Forget expulsion, he should have been put on trial for attempted murder! He was 19, so he’s not even a minor.
Hawk: Leading off with an epic Spartan kick into the lockers?
Oberst: We… are… GUUUUZMAAA
Oberst: Also… after that incident, how come J. Lo didn’t tell her kid to stay away from Noah right there and then? What kind of dumb-ass kid was J. Lo’s son that he wasn’t immediately scared off by Noah’s clear psychopathy?
Hawk: Well, he can’t work a fucking garage door so maybe we’re giving him too much credit.
Oberst: This was a trainwreck of a film. But like the best trainwrecks, infinitely watchable. That is if you are like me; a horrible sociopath who enjoys watching thousands of tons of metallic death leap from the rails, off the bridge, and into a populated area.
Jake: The unintentional, genre-bending comedy of 2015.
Hawk: If this sort of silliness is Blumhouse’s next round of films, we have a pretty good few years ahead
Bill L: The Boy Next Door is either an utter failure at trying to be topical and convey thrills, horror, and drama… or it’s a masterpiece that knows it’s total schlock.
Bill A: Do they hand out awards for eye gouging? Rob Cohen can at least be counted on for consistently one upping himself in the “why do I still have a job?” department.