The Bourne Identity (2002)

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever Matt Damon is on the phone.

Take a Drink: whenever someone says the word “BOURNE”.

Take a Drink: whenever you think of Ben Affleck. 

Do a Shot: whenever you see three pairs of black shoes at once. 

Community Review

How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Movie Review

By: MovieBoozer –

Favorite Quote: “Great police work, really brilliant! Why don’t they just put up a sign that says “Don’t come back!”

For a long time I’ve been attacking Matt Damon and saying how much I think he sucks and has changed. I don’t often give any reasons, though, and friends get frustrated and disagree with me saying things like “that’s ridiculous, it’s Affleck who sucks” or “What about The Bourne series, you have to admit those movies are awesome!

I have to admit… those movies suck. It’s time to talk about why.

A Toast

Those movies have a few fun things, like about four minutes of choreographed fighting, but mostly they just ate my brain cells. I re-watched one this week, since it had definitely been about seven years since I watched it in utter sadness, hoping my boy Matt would rebound and not make two terrible remakes.

The Bourne Identity tells the story of amnesia-ridden assassin Jason Bourne (Damon). He is rescued from drowning after being shot twice in the back, and has no memory of who he is or where he came from. Slowly but surely he realizes he has tremendous abilities. As the film moves along, he realizes (before the halfway mark) that he was an assassin for the United States government, and now they are after him. Add in car chases, that short choreographed fight scene, an escape from the U.S. Embassy, and several more instances of hand-to-hand combat, and that’s the movie.

I won’t even say I was bored, I was just angry, because of how good it could have been.

Beer Two

Brian Cox – Now this is a guy who killed it in Braveheart, entertained me thoroughly in fun movies like X-2 and Troy, portrayed Melvin Belli to a T in Zodiac, and was the first actor to ever portray Dr. Hannibal Lector, which he did masterfully in 1986’s Manhunter.

Chris Cooper – Likewise an incredible talent. Notably for A Time to Kill, American Beauty, and his Oscar-winning role in Adaptation.

Having covered both extraordinary talents of the silver screen, my complaint is very easy to recognize: they looked like they didn’t have a heartbeat. I’m telling you, these two are supposed to play the higher-ups in the government agency responsible for Jason Bourne and all the other assassins in this off-the-books department that handled politically powered assassinations. By the end of this film, I wished someone would assassinate the DVD. Unfortunately it belongs to my library and thus, had to be returned. I could honestly almost justify breaking it, paying the fine, and begging my boss not to replace it, but instead use the money on something better, like A Very Brady Sequel.

Matt 3

Beer Three

The premise was god-awful too. Sorry. This is the part of the movie that I just really hate. This post really could have been a spotlight on Matt Damon, but the guy turns in a good role now and again, so at the end of the day I ruled out the idea of just ripping him up. I know he has the ability to act well, I just wish he would do it more often. The premise of this movie (and all the Bourne movies thus far to be honest) is stupid.

Bourne spends the entire movie trying to remember who he is, where he came from, and why he has such cool skills. There is no arc.

Beer Four

The men after him are all “you are an assassin, Jason, and we don’t really care about you, so we are gonna kill you” and he is all “nuh uh.” That’s seriously it. Then they made TWO MORE movies about the same guy and the same story: Let’s get him/Who am I?/You’re an assassin/Oh, yeah. Bad movies I can stomach; what I can’t is when people LOVE them so hard. This piece of crap managed to wow everyone, but I have no idea why. It never made me invest in it. I didn’t care about Jason Bourne, and at the end of the movie, the reveal is tiny and stupid.

Matt 2

Beer Five

At the end of the day, Matt Damon just seemed like a whiny baby in this flick. He was scared and upset and cried and moaned the whole time. For about eight minutes, he was kicking people and running around the woods, maybe another eight minutes driving fast cars around Paris, but most of the time he was just like an angry kid on Christmas morning. I can’t imagine having amnesia, so too bad, he gets no sympathy from me. He just didn’t sell it for me. I thought his acting was lousy.

It pained me to do it then, and it pains me to tell you about it now, but I had to draw a line in the sand for Matt Damon. I can admit that I was once a big fan. He did a lot of movies I really loved. It all ended with The Bourne Identity, though. He shined early in movies like Good Will Hunting, Rounders, and Saving Private Ryan. At this point though, I think the guy has some chops, but he basically needs to be surrounded by the best of the best to pull out any kind of real performance.

He’s good in The Oceans films, The Departed, and I liked him in True Grit, but again, these are all roles where he is surrounded by better actors than himself. You can put Brad Pitt in a movie with a bunch of nobodies (Moneyball), and he’ll still bring down the house, you follow?

Matt 1

Verdict

The worst part to date is easy for me to identify. It’s not the fact that Damon reprises this bad role twice, it’s not the fact that it made him loads of money. It’s not even the fact that after all this people still like him more than Affleck (which is a real travesty).

The worst part about The Bourne Identity being so terrible is that I’m the only one who thinks so.

5Beers1

About MovieBoozer Staff

International Network of Volunteers, Movie Buffs, and Lushes. Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

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