The Blue Lagoon (1980)

The Blue LagoonBy: Julio De Francisco (Five Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Today I was talking to my girlfriend about her over the top jealousy and somehow the conversation ended with us watching The Blue Lagoon.  To say the least I had mentioned that we should probably just move to an small island so she can have me all to herself.  My objective was to point out that she can’t share me with anyone, not even the doorman.  Instead, I inadvertently fueled a fantasy that I’ll probably pay for with a cruise to the Bahamas or the Galapagos in the future.

The Blue Lagoon is about two shipwrecked children (Emmeline and Richard, and first cousins) who grow up on an island with a sailor who through a self-inflicted drunk escapade leaves the children on their own without any guidance into puberty.

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“That was awkward.”

A Toast

I raise a glass to Nestor Almendros, the cinematographer of The Blue Lagoon, as well as the film’s contribution to science with the discovery of the Fiji Crested Iguana, a previously unknown species to scientists until it was revealed in the film. Filmed in Jamaica and a private island in Fiji, the locations provided a whole host of beautiful silhouetted pacific sunsets and naked bodies in the water in addition to the flora and fauna and coral reefs.  I’d also like to nod to the “body doubles” used for the topless Emmeline scenes. Daaaamn!

Beer Two

The acting.  I couldn’t help but notice Emmeline’s (Brooke Shields) emotionless face.

Brook Shields Young

Director: “Give us your best, I’m about to have sex, nervous face!”

Beer Three

Puberty and the birth.  I couldn’t help but cringe while watching two teenagers suffer through the throes of puberty.  It was enough for me in my lifetime but watching two people not understand why they bleed once a month or have feelings in their stomach when they see each other naked… I cringed.

It gets worse when Emmeline gets preggers and pretty much shits a baby 9 months later.

Beer Four

The Natives.  OOGA BOOGA!  Dance around a flame!  Sacrifice!  OOGA BOOGA! Over the top stereotypical native islander scene… When you see it, you’ll want to finish this beer.

Beer Five

The rescue.  It is utter bullshit.

Verdict

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This movie won’t help your significant other get over their jealousy, but it will distract them for an hour and forty minutes.  It starts out as a beautiful afternoon special for kids and after a few silhouetted underwater nude shots turns into an after-hours special on Cinemax and a movie you’ll need to drink to get through.

 

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever a fish appears on screen.

Take a Drink: whenever Emmeline is just staring emotionless.

Take a Drink: whenever blood appears.

Take a Drink: whenever you see breasts.

Take a Drink: whenever you see a silhouetted penis.

Take a Shot: when a baby is born.

Chug a Beer: when Richard is caught masturbating.

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