Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973)

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for philosophical ramblings

Take a Drink: for references to any of the other films

Take a Drink: whenever gorillas are assholes

Take a Continuous Drink: “Ape Kill Ape!”

Do a Shot: for coups

Do a Shot: “No!”

Community Review

How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Movie Review

By: Henry J. Fromage (Five Beers) –

After what felt like a logical and emotional close to one of the darkest blockbuster franchises in history with Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, J. Lee Thompson and its producers decided to eke out one last entry in the series, logic, critics, and the audience be damned.

old-skool-3d-cinema-audience

Like the dirty apes that they are.

Battle for the Planet of the Apes jumps ten, twenty… something years into the future once more, as Caesar’s revolt has succeeded and he now rules a peaceful ape society that lives in begrudging harmony with some human survivors.  A trip to the ruined remains of… Los Angeles?  New York like the first film?… anyway, some city, and discover that there are more humans left than they suspected, and they’re not as friendly… Neither are the gorillas, the perpetual assholes of apedom.

A Toast

Whoaa… John Huston?  Sure, his intro and outro are almost completely unnecessary, but we all can agree that the existence of Orangutan Huston makes the world a better place.

john-huston-planetoftheapes

I have two Oscars!

Also, Thompson and his production designers create some cool environments on what is clearly a reduced budget, and Roddy McDowall is as good as ever, tired, more pessimistic, but bent on creating a new, better society.

Beer Two

About that budget…. much has been made of how disappointingly small in scope the final titular battle for the future of ape and humankind is, but really it is, and is portrayed as, more of a skirmish between two survivor’s groups, neither of which were all that big to begin with.  Worse is the once-lauded makeup.  Caesar’s is still good, but I can’t imagine how bad his mask has started to smell, and a new group of warlike gorillas are basically given Halloween masks, with eyeholes so big you can see the white dude underneath practically every one.

gorilla

Trick or Treat!

Beer Three

The obviousness of the dialogue is at its series-worst here, especially the typical villain speech before he kills the protagonist, which ends exactly the same way they all do.

Beer Four

Honestly, the entire setup of the film is nonsense.  After the tremendously bleak and polarizing ending of the last one, why are the apes and humans coexisting all happy-like in a big ‘ol hippy commune?  How long has it been since then anyway?  How the fuck are all the apes talking now when only Caesar could before, and breeding is the only way to make more of them?  Is there any reason besides dollar signs that this sequel exists at all?

Beer Five

Perhaps the cardinal sin of the film is how it fails to deliver the one thing you can rely on from a Planet of the Apes film no matter how uninspired the rest of it is- a nice, dark, thought-provoking ending. Instead, we get a statue crying because… symbolism?

Caesar_tear

Wait, is Caesar trapped in there?  Are there Medusas in this universe?

Verdict

The final film of the original Planet of the Apes series often feels like it’s trying to squeeze blood (or, more accurately, money) from a stone to justify one last pass, but is not without a few small pleasures.

a5Beers

About Henry J. Fromage

Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

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