Addicted (2014)

Drinking Game

Do a Shot: once Zoe asks for Round 3

Do a Body Shot: during the shower scene. It’s awkward enough so do something fun.

Shotgun a Beer: when the film steers into Fatal Attraction territory.

Down a 32 oz and a shot of Jack: when Zoe goes crazy in a club.

Community Review

How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Movie Review

By: Jake Turner (Six Beers) –

I have my share of “So Bad, it’s Good” films. From Over the Top to Shoot Em’ Up to the greatest bad movie of all time, Tango & Cash.

Addicted was on the way to that list until the final 20 minutes that just shattered any chance of joining that club and instead head to the top of a more deserving list of dishonor.

A Toast

To the inspiration of the lunacy and words from Zane’s novel. Seriously, it felt like the kitchen sink philosophy took on the erotic thriller genre and it was working to a point but… yeah. I will also give an honorable mention to Boris Kodjoe as Jason, the husband who does NOTHING to propel the premise of this film. Kodjoe had the kindness, compassion, and hard-working ethic of a good husband and father.

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This is what I get for being a good guy?

Beer Two

Let’s start off with the incredible rip off ability of better erotic thrillers. Tell me if you heard this one before.

A wife who has become frustrated with the lack of sexual release with her husband finds it in the arms of another. I will give you 30 sec (Jeopardy theme).

Your answer should have been.

What is Unfaithful?

Yes, that’s right. Disrespectfully ripped it from a Oscar-winning film by Adrian Lyne.

Sharon Leal is Zoe Reynard, a successful businesswoman/mother who has a serious problem. She is never satisfied with the normal healthy sex life she has with Jason. Even when he has become tired. Right away after it is over she asks for Round 3.

Let the man breathe!

Meanwhile, she counters with meeting with a new client, artist Quinton Canosa (William Levy). Ironically, her all-time favorite artist of all-time. What? Picasso is too outside-the-box for you? Jackson Pollack is too abstract? Of course, the guy is a sculpted hunk of beef (rolls eyes) that must force Zoe even though she has a wedding ring on. Seduced to all ends just by the slippery charm of this Spanish casanova. Let the hardcore affair begin with soap opera level acting!

Addicted2Addicted

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I let this one go, isn’t that enough?

Beer Three

I am shocked that a respectful actress like Leal sank this low. Leal can sing, dance, and act with class in films like Dreamgirls and television like Suits and Boston Public, in which she had the luck to work with David E. Kelley’s terrific writing as teacher Marilyn Sudor. Leal is directed by Billie Woodruff (Honey) to act as weak, desperate, and deceitful as possible even though her husband, once again, did NOTHING to bring this up. Do not worry, I am getting to that part soon.

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I miss those days.

Beer Four

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good erotic thriller. However, in order to make an effective one, you must follow this rule. When filming sex scenes, you have to make sure they’re steamy, deceitful, and sexy. Not shot like a soft-core porn film on Cinemax late night. Woodruff films these scenes as awkwardly as Sylvester Stallone/Sharon Stone’s shower scene in the 1994 turkey, The Specialist. I found myself laughing out loud at times during this film along with the couple to my left.

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Oh, please no. My eyes.

Beer Five

As the film journeys into inane territory. One thing that was really getting on my nerves was Zoe’s sessions with her psychiatrist, Dr. Marcella Spencer (Tasha Smith). Every time these two met up Spencer was giving her advice so absurd that I thought I was on an episode of BET’s Real Husbands of Hollywood and Kevin Hart was about to pop up for a cameo. She is telling her to pursue this tryst with Casanova because she never had anyone else because she married her high school sweetheart. Why don’t you just tell her to sow her royal oats? Except in Coming to America, that was played for COMEDY!

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All right, Kevin. Joke is over. Hello?

Beer Six

This beer should constitute a new beer rating system. Because this deserves to be a 12-pack. I mentiond before that this ripped off better erotic thrillers. It dove from Unfaithful to Fatal Attraction to Basic Instinct and finished with a lesson on her “addiction” that was trying to be the alcoholism from When a Man Loves a Woman.

The kitchen sink philosophy was tossed away for super-duper seriousness on SEX addiction, Hollywood’s idea of being ran over by a car, with a five second grainy scene that felt shoehorned and downright offensive. Clue: It is a problem with the NFL right now.

I am not kidding, but the audience of ebony that I was joined by all said these exact words. “She is still alive?!”

It led me to say loudly.

“I’m done.”

I got out of my seat and watched the final five minutes in the hallway.

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Verdict

Addicted disrespectfully borrows from better films of the erotic genre it is trying to be part of. The kitchen sink philosophy is swapped in the final minutes for hardcore drama about sex addiction and the TRUE story to why Zoe was amazingly and morally deplorable in her adventure. The most shocking thing was, how in the world was this greenlit?

Oh, I know.

To be the worst film of 2014.

Mission: accomplished.

Six Pack

About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they’re confused about something) at least a few times a week. I’ve gotten way off track here… The point is, Oberst is one of the website’s founders, so… yeah

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