Microwave Massacre (1983) Movie Review: This One Comes With Severe Indigestion

By: Frankie B. (Six Pack)-

You know when you say things can’t get worse, but they actually do? That seems to happen to me pretty consistently when blindly volunteering for movies. I should have known better when I saw the title to this movie. Microwave Massacre, what was I thinking? I really should have gone into this one already wasted.

Microwave Massacre follows the rather mundane existence of a construction worker, Donald (Jackie Vernon). He yearns for just a tasty lunch and dinner, which he has been deprived of for years by his overbearing wife, May. They have a microwave that is about the size of a Mini Cooper, that May cooks every meal in. One night, Donald gets shitfaced drunk, strangles his wife to death, cuts up his wife Dexter-style, and then accidentally eats his wife’s dismembered arm. You know, normal drunk behavior. He then becomes a full blown cannibal and goes on one of the most anticlimactic killing sprees in the history of the world.

A Toast

In the first minute and a half of the movie a girl goes tits out. That is the most redeeming thing about this movie. Onto Beer Two.

This photo is the only redeeming quality of this review.
This photo is the only redeeming quality of this review.

Beer Two

Dicks Out For Harambe. Had to put something for beer two. Plus, RIP Harambe.

No Caption needed

Beer Three

Jackie Vernon is actually pretty funny, but you really need to be into dry humor for it to hit at all. I love dry humor, and some of the jokes went completely over my head. Or it might have been that they were awful jokes. I also noticed that his expression almost never changed throughout the entire movie. Just a dead inside stare most of the time. So bad.

The expression of a man who is dead inside.
The expression of a man who has given up on life.

Beer Four

There were more boobs in the movie if that entices you.

zlxiht

Beer Five

Keep in mind while watching this flick that there is really no one to root for. The main character is a serial killer cannibal and all of the supporting characters are either unknowingly cannibals or the dumbest characters ever written.

King of the Cannibals
King of the Cannibals

Beer Six

I can say that my next door neighbor’s annual Halloween display has better production value and creativity than the gore and kill scenes in Microwave Massacre. All of the props in the movie boil down to styrofoam, plastic Halloween decorations, and tinfoil. Pitiful for a horror movie that is not a Troma production.

Quality Props
Quality Props

Verdict

I saw this one so you don’t have to. Avoid Microwave Massacre at all costs. Check out some cat videos or just go to sleep.

6beers

Microwave Massacre (1983) Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time a new person is consumed.

Take a Drink: every time Donald comes up with a new “recipe”.

Do a Shot: every time boobs make an appearance.

Take a Drink: every time Donald yells at his wife.

Do a Shot: to get drunk faster while watching this.

About Frankie B.

A kid from New York that fell in love with the magic of movies. Fascinated by every facet of the movie industry. Really love B-quality horror movies and psychological thrillers. Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

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